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Is he just being a "Pre-teen"?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 168498" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>WHat you describe sounds very normal for an Aspie. Especially what he said to his uncle - for Aspies, everybody is an equal, so he is simply saying to his uncle what other people (probably other adults) will say to him (difficult child) in similar circumstances. And if you chide him for it, he will claim it's unfair, because from his point of view it IS unfair. There are different standards of behaviour for him, and for others. That is the definition of unfair.</p><p></p><p>He's not being rude (not by his definition) when he talks to people like that. And it's one of the most difficult lessons to try to teach them, to discriminate in how they talk to people. It's much better to encourage polite responses from him to everybody, but this requires everybody to use the same polite responses to him even when frustrated. Not easy, and it is galling to have to do so.</p><p></p><p>But it works.</p><p></p><p>You describe the problems as power struggles - that is not good. The older he gets the more likely you are to lose such a power struggle. It's best to learn to deflect, or deviate, than to clash head on.</p><p></p><p>There are other ways. Again, referring to "The Explosive Child" can help such a great deal, especially in understanding how to get what you want from the kid, while not asking him to do anything he isn't capable of.</p><p></p><p>A lot of what you describe was difficult child testing boundaries (that's also pre-teen). He says, "I'm not doing anything," and yet he clearly is. And he knows it. What he was doing was tormenting a frog; jumping on the bed and risking damage; taking a risk with his bike and your car. Pushing boundaries, testing limits, trying to see how you would handle it. I'm also wondering if he was bored - if he's possible Aspie, chances are he's bright and was looking for mental stimulation. If he was doing something he enjoyed at your sister's and you made him come home, he might have been a bit resentful at having to stop.</p><p></p><p>With the frog incident, I would have sat him down and asked him what the frog thought of his game. Explain to him how frogs around the world are dying out and that we need frogs because they eat the insects that would otherwise really annoy us during summer. A good thing to do for frogs is to build a small pond for them so they have somewhere to live and to breed. Maybe difficult child could do some research into what he would need to build a frog habitat, and then set one up.</p><p></p><p>About the bed - it's NOT his bed, it's yours. I would take him under the bed and make him look at how it is constructed. Show him the weak points, where it can break. Discuss with him what he would do if his bed broke - where would he sleep that night? How long would he have to sleep with his mattress on the floor? What does it smell like, to be so close to the floor? What about cockroaches in the night, now within reach of his face if he's sleeping on the floor?</p><p></p><p>The car - I would get him a tin of polish and a cloth, and see if he could polish the scratch. Or get him to go with you to buy a tin of primer to spray the scratch before the rust gets in. Or maybe a touch-up spray - he would have to sit with you while you research the colour and where to buy it, then go with you while you buy it, then while the job is done.</p><p></p><p>None of this is unfair, even by Aspie standards. It is perfectly fair. Even if he really didn't expect his bike to scratch the car (and he DID tell you; he could have kept quiet about it) it doesn't matter - the car got scratched and that means SOMEONE has to repair it.</p><p>Natural consequences.</p><p></p><p>Aspies often need to really visualise all the options, all the reasons and all the possibilities, before they "get it".</p><p></p><p>He seems very insistent on his rights. He needs to really learn that rights come with responsibilities. Also, we don't always have the rights he seems to think. But this could be the key in for you, to get through to him. He needs logic, he needs calm discussion and explanation.</p><p></p><p>Where you will see typical pre-teen behaviour in him is a higher level of arousal and frustration, more aggression and raging and stronger emotional response. This is hormonal. Otherwise - a lot of this is Aspie and to handle it, you need to change your mind-set. Aspies are not typical and sometimes this can be a blessing. Find the right combination, and they take more time but can be a lot easier to handle.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 168498, member: 1991"] WHat you describe sounds very normal for an Aspie. Especially what he said to his uncle - for Aspies, everybody is an equal, so he is simply saying to his uncle what other people (probably other adults) will say to him (difficult child) in similar circumstances. And if you chide him for it, he will claim it's unfair, because from his point of view it IS unfair. There are different standards of behaviour for him, and for others. That is the definition of unfair. He's not being rude (not by his definition) when he talks to people like that. And it's one of the most difficult lessons to try to teach them, to discriminate in how they talk to people. It's much better to encourage polite responses from him to everybody, but this requires everybody to use the same polite responses to him even when frustrated. Not easy, and it is galling to have to do so. But it works. You describe the problems as power struggles - that is not good. The older he gets the more likely you are to lose such a power struggle. It's best to learn to deflect, or deviate, than to clash head on. There are other ways. Again, referring to "The Explosive Child" can help such a great deal, especially in understanding how to get what you want from the kid, while not asking him to do anything he isn't capable of. A lot of what you describe was difficult child testing boundaries (that's also pre-teen). He says, "I'm not doing anything," and yet he clearly is. And he knows it. What he was doing was tormenting a frog; jumping on the bed and risking damage; taking a risk with his bike and your car. Pushing boundaries, testing limits, trying to see how you would handle it. I'm also wondering if he was bored - if he's possible Aspie, chances are he's bright and was looking for mental stimulation. If he was doing something he enjoyed at your sister's and you made him come home, he might have been a bit resentful at having to stop. With the frog incident, I would have sat him down and asked him what the frog thought of his game. Explain to him how frogs around the world are dying out and that we need frogs because they eat the insects that would otherwise really annoy us during summer. A good thing to do for frogs is to build a small pond for them so they have somewhere to live and to breed. Maybe difficult child could do some research into what he would need to build a frog habitat, and then set one up. About the bed - it's NOT his bed, it's yours. I would take him under the bed and make him look at how it is constructed. Show him the weak points, where it can break. Discuss with him what he would do if his bed broke - where would he sleep that night? How long would he have to sleep with his mattress on the floor? What does it smell like, to be so close to the floor? What about cockroaches in the night, now within reach of his face if he's sleeping on the floor? The car - I would get him a tin of polish and a cloth, and see if he could polish the scratch. Or get him to go with you to buy a tin of primer to spray the scratch before the rust gets in. Or maybe a touch-up spray - he would have to sit with you while you research the colour and where to buy it, then go with you while you buy it, then while the job is done. None of this is unfair, even by Aspie standards. It is perfectly fair. Even if he really didn't expect his bike to scratch the car (and he DID tell you; he could have kept quiet about it) it doesn't matter - the car got scratched and that means SOMEONE has to repair it. Natural consequences. Aspies often need to really visualise all the options, all the reasons and all the possibilities, before they "get it". He seems very insistent on his rights. He needs to really learn that rights come with responsibilities. Also, we don't always have the rights he seems to think. But this could be the key in for you, to get through to him. He needs logic, he needs calm discussion and explanation. Where you will see typical pre-teen behaviour in him is a higher level of arousal and frustration, more aggression and raging and stronger emotional response. This is hormonal. Otherwise - a lot of this is Aspie and to handle it, you need to change your mind-set. Aspies are not typical and sometimes this can be a blessing. Find the right combination, and they take more time but can be a lot easier to handle. Marg [/QUOTE]
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