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Is he serious?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 370247" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>The PO is right. He's being manipulative and look what it's getting him - you're angry and hurt, trying to convince him you do care and are still prepared to make huge sacrifices just for him, just to show you love him to the ends of the earth and the last cent in your bank account. At which point you won't have anything left for him but the reproach he sees in your eyes. That hurts so he will then run away so he doesn't have to look at what he has done.</p><p></p><p>You are allowed to love your son. But you are also allowed to say, "I love you, but you have burned your bridges. I have done my best but you had your chances over and over, you WERE told, very firmly, and you went off and did what you wanted anyway. Well that was it. You have lost your chances NOT because I don't want to help you, but because I have no more resources for you. If you come home, I need to watch you and I can;t do that and still keep my job. I didn't ask you to stab me, I didn't ask you to steal, to break stuff. YOU CHOSE to do those things. As a result of YOUR choices, you ended up in here and I lost my job, and the house. What money I had, I spent on your defences and on repairing the damage. But it can never be enough. You say you have places to go, people you could stay with, you can look after yourself - if you could do that, you wouldn't be where you are now. You have ended up here because you cannot look after yourself. You proved that very well. And the only one who doesn't know that is you. But clearly, we can't tell you. You will have to work this out for yourself."</p><p></p><p>He needs to know what his choices are, spelled out simply. He needs to know the consequences of each choice, again spelled out simply. And there has to be follow-through. </p><p></p><p>"You can get a job, or go back to school, or both. If you do this, you will have money to pay y our way and you will have self-respect as well as a future. Or you can choose to 'live free' and go here or there according to what you want. If you do that you will run out of decent people prepared to help you, and end up with people whose only use for you will be what they can exploit out of you. You go that way ad you end up back inside."</p><p></p><p>He needs to know that group home has to be it, or he stays inside. Your offer to go there with him - very generous. And he threw it right back at you. So forget it. Make it clear - you made a generous offer, and he clearly didn't value it.</p><p></p><p>Until he does value your help and your input into his life, then back away. Because until he has to really do this on his own, he will continue to fail. He's been rescued or allowed to get away with stuff for too long.</p><p></p><p>As you said - the system went down the wrong track with him for too long. That is so frustrating. But don't you make the same mistake now, especially now the PO gets it.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 370247, member: 1991"] The PO is right. He's being manipulative and look what it's getting him - you're angry and hurt, trying to convince him you do care and are still prepared to make huge sacrifices just for him, just to show you love him to the ends of the earth and the last cent in your bank account. At which point you won't have anything left for him but the reproach he sees in your eyes. That hurts so he will then run away so he doesn't have to look at what he has done. You are allowed to love your son. But you are also allowed to say, "I love you, but you have burned your bridges. I have done my best but you had your chances over and over, you WERE told, very firmly, and you went off and did what you wanted anyway. Well that was it. You have lost your chances NOT because I don't want to help you, but because I have no more resources for you. If you come home, I need to watch you and I can;t do that and still keep my job. I didn't ask you to stab me, I didn't ask you to steal, to break stuff. YOU CHOSE to do those things. As a result of YOUR choices, you ended up in here and I lost my job, and the house. What money I had, I spent on your defences and on repairing the damage. But it can never be enough. You say you have places to go, people you could stay with, you can look after yourself - if you could do that, you wouldn't be where you are now. You have ended up here because you cannot look after yourself. You proved that very well. And the only one who doesn't know that is you. But clearly, we can't tell you. You will have to work this out for yourself." He needs to know what his choices are, spelled out simply. He needs to know the consequences of each choice, again spelled out simply. And there has to be follow-through. "You can get a job, or go back to school, or both. If you do this, you will have money to pay y our way and you will have self-respect as well as a future. Or you can choose to 'live free' and go here or there according to what you want. If you do that you will run out of decent people prepared to help you, and end up with people whose only use for you will be what they can exploit out of you. You go that way ad you end up back inside." He needs to know that group home has to be it, or he stays inside. Your offer to go there with him - very generous. And he threw it right back at you. So forget it. Make it clear - you made a generous offer, and he clearly didn't value it. Until he does value your help and your input into his life, then back away. Because until he has to really do this on his own, he will continue to fail. He's been rescued or allowed to get away with stuff for too long. As you said - the system went down the wrong track with him for too long. That is so frustrating. But don't you make the same mistake now, especially now the PO gets it. Marg [/QUOTE]
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