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Parent Emeritus
Is it ever ok to just be "done?"
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687722" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>About our situation, that of my son and myself, I came to believe that by tolerating his acting out, <em>I was hurting him. </em></p><p></p><p>By listening to it I was enabling him to continue doing this to himself.</p><p></p><p>I came to see that he needed me to stop tolerating it so that he could gain control over himself. That my listening to him without stopping the interaction was a form of consent.</p><p>He may be involving you, because he needs you to stop taking it. Not that it is a conscious test, but a test nonetheless.</p><p></p><p>As our children grow up they are needing to establish separate selves. They need it to be OK with us. These abusive contacts are some sort of way that they do this.</p><p></p><p>I very much believe that we need to put a stop to their abuse of us. In order for them to stop abusing themselves. (Of course the primary reason to stop it is to not participate in abuse. Period.)</p><p></p><p>The most remarkable changing began when I stopped accepting what felt like abuse from my son by curtailing contact with him, if he was abusive to me, and to not seek out contact at all.</p><p></p><p>It may have been a coincidence, but how can it hurt to stop accepting mistreatment? I would try to cut it off in the first few words.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687722, member: 18958"] About our situation, that of my son and myself, I came to believe that by tolerating his acting out, [I]I was hurting him. [/I] By listening to it I was enabling him to continue doing this to himself. I came to see that he needed me to stop tolerating it so that he could gain control over himself. That my listening to him without stopping the interaction was a form of consent. He may be involving you, because he needs you to stop taking it. Not that it is a conscious test, but a test nonetheless. As our children grow up they are needing to establish separate selves. They need it to be OK with us. These abusive contacts are some sort of way that they do this. I very much believe that we need to put a stop to their abuse of us. In order for them to stop abusing themselves. (Of course the primary reason to stop it is to not participate in abuse. Period.) The most remarkable changing began when I stopped accepting what felt like abuse from my son by curtailing contact with him, if he was abusive to me, and to not seek out contact at all. It may have been a coincidence, but how can it hurt to stop accepting mistreatment? I would try to cut it off in the first few words. [/QUOTE]
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Is it ever ok to just be "done?"
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