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Is it ever ok to just be "done?"
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687810" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Use whatever image that works for you.</p><p></p><p>They are ambivalent about growing up, for whatever reason. They want to and yet do not want to. They try to push us away (make us do the separating) by treating us bad. Lying. Manipulating. Insulting. Mocking. Fill in the blanks. While at the same time they seek us out.</p><p></p><p>They feel if they exert power over us, they are actually powerful. You know and I know it is not true. For as long as we let them get away with this they have contempt for us, and contempt for themselves. There may be the illusion of power by them, but it really is just a childish game. They fool themselves. And at the same time they are hedging their bets. About growing up. It reinforces an incorrect view about the world and life...if we let them get away with it.</p><p></p><p>The only way this will work for them is if they decide, really decide they will change in specific and concrete ways. For them. For real.</p><p></p><p>M believes that we have to be near him in order to propel the change. Like sitting on him. I agree to a point, but only to a point. There has to be motivation on my son's part, too.</p><p></p><p>Having nowhere to live was very motivating. For a time. He needs to be reminded he is motivated to be off the street. Unfortunately for me, it hurts me as much or more, as him, to throw him out.</p><p></p><p>Right now we are in a game with my son. He thinks he can fool us and manipulate us. Pull the wool over our eyes. I told him: you leave (the rental house) tomorrow.</p><p></p><p>I had told him: No marijuana. We arrived, he was stoned. He had not followed through on multiple things he had agreed upon.</p><p></p><p>We tried to live with the marijuana but it undermined too many other things (he has a medical marijuana permit.) What do I care what kind of permit he has? This is not a landlord-tenant relationship. I am his mother. I do not have to be fair. If he plays hardball with me, watch how fast I turn on him.</p><p></p><p>I do not see another way through this. He has to decide what he wants. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. However close I want him, I cannot accept him close if he is fooling himself. Right now he thinks he is fooling me. He is fooling himself.</p><p></p><p>As I left he said: We can find a solution to all of this tomorrow.</p><p></p><p>I doubt it. I will listen to what he comes up with but I doubt it will be convincing. Sad.</p><p></p><p>The door will be open. If he wants to change. Really change. Not just change enough to get a place to stay out of the cold and then impose his rules.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687810, member: 18958"] Use whatever image that works for you. They are ambivalent about growing up, for whatever reason. They want to and yet do not want to. They try to push us away (make us do the separating) by treating us bad. Lying. Manipulating. Insulting. Mocking. Fill in the blanks. While at the same time they seek us out. They feel if they exert power over us, they are actually powerful. You know and I know it is not true. For as long as we let them get away with this they have contempt for us, and contempt for themselves. There may be the illusion of power by them, but it really is just a childish game. They fool themselves. And at the same time they are hedging their bets. About growing up. It reinforces an incorrect view about the world and life...if we let them get away with it. The only way this will work for them is if they decide, really decide they will change in specific and concrete ways. For them. For real. M believes that we have to be near him in order to propel the change. Like sitting on him. I agree to a point, but only to a point. There has to be motivation on my son's part, too. Having nowhere to live was very motivating. For a time. He needs to be reminded he is motivated to be off the street. Unfortunately for me, it hurts me as much or more, as him, to throw him out. Right now we are in a game with my son. He thinks he can fool us and manipulate us. Pull the wool over our eyes. I told him: you leave (the rental house) tomorrow. I had told him: No marijuana. We arrived, he was stoned. He had not followed through on multiple things he had agreed upon. We tried to live with the marijuana but it undermined too many other things (he has a medical marijuana permit.) What do I care what kind of permit he has? This is not a landlord-tenant relationship. I am his mother. I do not have to be fair. If he plays hardball with me, watch how fast I turn on him. I do not see another way through this. He has to decide what he wants. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. However close I want him, I cannot accept him close if he is fooling himself. Right now he thinks he is fooling me. He is fooling himself. As I left he said: We can find a solution to all of this tomorrow. I doubt it. I will listen to what he comes up with but I doubt it will be convincing. Sad. The door will be open. If he wants to change. Really change. Not just change enough to get a place to stay out of the cold and then impose his rules. [/QUOTE]
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