Is It Just Me?

[DaisyFace]

Things have been very tense over here the past couple of weeks...

After difficult child was busted for IM-ing twenty-somethings to set up dates, she was "grounded" for one week. We also told her that she would not be getting computer priviledges back for the foreseeable future.

So she's been extra moody and irritable.

Then report cards came out and she tried to explain away the grades - again.

Then she found out that the low grades made her ineligible for a program she wanted to join next year...and THAT made her mad.

Had a rage last weekend over whether or not it was "fair" for her to be expected to pick up a piece of paper from the floor if we could not prove that she was the one who dropped it.

Has been mouthing off to her Dad all week and calling him names.

TODAY - she wants to speak with us about a priviledge she feels she should have. Right now, DS has a tv and video game system in his bedroom. (The tv only gets a couple of local channels.) husband and I made certain rules about playing video games and DS has been very good about following the rules.

Well, difficult child feels that she should also have a tv and video game system - and if she can't have her own, then the one DS has should be moved into her bedroom and they can takes turns sharing it every-other-week.

And the fact that husband and I did not immediately jump up and make those changes seemed to irritate difficult child.

So - it is me?

Where does this kid get the gall to ask for priviledges right now?

AND feel justified in taking things away from her brother?

I guess husband and I really are the worst parents in the whole world because we just can't see how "reasonable" this request is.

I'm sure difficult child will mention this to the therapist this week. She likes to tell therapist about all of our many "abuses"...

--sigh--

 

[HaoZi]

Hmmm... maybe a nice big chart of what gives and takes away privileges to show who is following the rules and who isn't?

 

[DammitJanet]

I had very similar issues in my house with the boys complaining about what was fair and what was not. Whine whine whine.

I hated it when people suggested tokens or anything like that because it was hell to even try to set up with 3 kids. Even if I took Billy out of the whole equation because he was seldom involved in any of this craziness and just tried to put Jamie and Cory on the charts or economies, it became a madhouse.

I could make huge posters of what the rules were, who earned what point, privilege or whatever, what consequence was...and it never failed that one or the other would argue it anyway. If I gave tokens...they stole them from each other. If I gave each of them a different colored token or chip...they would just steal them and throw them away! If I kept a running tally in a book so they couldnt get to them...omg...I was frustrated and then they would argue about why it wasnt fair and I was playing favorites and Daddy didnt remember to tell me..blah blah blah.

Then we had the problems when Jamie actually became a teen and we could let him loose to do more on his own because he wasnt doing horrible things, then Cory was ticked off because we wouldnt let him do the same things. Well we couldnt because every time we let him out of our sight for 2.2 seconds he brought the law to our door! So Cory was tied to our hips. I think we cut the apron strings with him when ... well, where are those scissors and I will go cut them now! I swear if he is out of our sight he will not behave!

Problem now is that Cory hated to be tied all his teen years but now he doesnt want them cut! LOL

 

[Wiped Out]

I hate to say that with a difficult child it doesn't surprise me that she continues to ask for privileges. Hugs.

 

[DaisyFace]

Haozi--

Good idea, but difficult child is not interested in earning priviledges (what? work for something? bah!) She just wants the priviledges. And she can't seem to understand that things in life are not just handed to you.

The report card, for example - difficult child does not do homework...therefore she earns poor grades. But when the report card comes out with those Cs, Ds and Fs written in black and white - she will argue with anyone and everyone that those grades "do not count".

What good will a rewards chart be if even grades don't count? Good grief!

Janet--

Yikes! I thought we had it bad with reward systems! Nothing works here, either. No matter what the system - DS is willing to work it and difficult child is not.

Sharon--

Yep. Sounds about right for a difficult child...

 

[susiestar]

I have always wished that I could live in difficult child-world. Where my poor choices and mistakes "don't count" and have no negative consequences, where I am given what i want when I want it simply because I want it, and where I can use other's mistakes against them for decades, even if the mistake was only in MY mind.

Doesn't that sound like fun??? Sure beats being expected to give everything that is wanted as soon as it is wanted, having to live with natural consequences, and having a child try to use mistakes that I didn't actually make against me for decades!!!

I am sorry she is being so ridiculous. Can you work to see the humor in her requests? It might help keep you from going nuts from trying to understand her thinking.

 

[Marguerite]

I hate to say that with a difficult child it doesn't surprise me that she continues to ask for privileges. Hugs.

The trouble is, she's not ASKING for privileges. She's NAGGING for privileges!

Every kid is different, and what you allow or do for one child does not automatically mean that the other child gets the same deal. No way, nosirree.

One of my sisters tried to be absolutely fair for each child. Whatever one child got, all the children had to get. So if something was offered for one child only, then it had to be refused if the other children could not also participate. She couldn't see how unfair this was, because often the older child gets held back from opportunities because the younger ones are not ready for them but will complain if they miss out.
What happened with my sister's kids - they ended up always comparing notes to make sure everything they all got was shared absolutely equally. They were all far too hung up on 'fairness' to actually appreciate opportunities as they arose.

Bedtime was the example in our house, of rules needing to be different for each child.
easy child as the eldest, had the later bedtime of 8.30 pm. When she reached her teens, she negotiated for a later bedtime of first 9 pm, then 9.30 pm. At the time, she went to school at a nearby high school, leaving home at 7 am. But the other kids had to leave home half an hour earlier. So they had to get to bed a little earlier. And as it turned out - easy child chose to go to bed earlier herself, because being the only kid wanting to stay up, was no fun.
Then difficult child 1 switched to high school. He also had to leave at 7 am. But he has always managed on less sleep, so his bedtime eventually was 10 pm and later, while easy child, as the older one, could not function if she went to bed after 9.30 pm.
So when easy child 2/difficult child 2 began to negotiate for a later bedtime, she tried the line of, "But difficult child 1 gets to stay up late!"
Our response was, "easy child is even older, but has an earlier bed-time. difficult child 1 has earned his later bedtime because he can function with it. easy child can't. And in our opinion, neither can you. You may stay up later on the weekend, but you must still get up at the usual time in the morning. Then you can see how you feel about it."

In your case, DF, your son has proven that he can behave responsibly with his special privilege. Also with his arthritis, it makes more sense. But difficult child not only has not earned the privilege, she doesn't get it if she thinks it is fair to take away from her brother, something that works for him for many reasons, and apply it to herself when a lot of those reasons are not on the table for her.

It's like me and my mobility scooter - when I'm out in the street late at night and I see local kids come running up yelling, "Wow! Look at what she's got! I want it! Lets get her and get it off her!" I just stop and stand my ground. As they run up, I greet them with a smile and say, "You can have one of these too, but you have to have the disability to go with it. I'm sure that can be arranged..." and I say it with a smile. I usually go on to make the scooter seem very un-cool - hey, it's no state-of-the-art skateboard. I paint mental pictures of grey-haired grandparents with pacemakers, lining up for a drag race, at 10 kph. I make jokes about it, so the kids don't feel they need to attack me to save face. End result - they usually laugh a bit, wave goodbye and next time I meet them, they're OK with me. But I have to make it clear - what applies to me, does not apply to them. At their age and with their fitness, they need to be using their own legs and risking their necks in more conventional ways.

It really is annoying when our kids nag us for privileges, just when their behaviour is demonstrating their lack of suitability for them.

Stand firm. Link son's access (limited) to TV, to something he has to endure that she does not. Also popint out what he has to keep doing, in order to justify the continuing privilege.

But when it all boils down, it is YOU as the parents who have the say here. Not her. You do not have to justify yourselves to her. And if she wants special privileges, she has a long way to go to earn any of them.

Marg

 

[Shari]

I just came up with a canned response for the "its not fair, he gets ____ and I don't".

My answer?

"When you act exactly like he does, I'll treat YOU exactly like him...Give it a try. I dare ya."

Then I'd just walk away. He never did have a good reply for that one...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Shari - I LOVE that!!!! Thanks - I am going to keep that response VERY handy

 

[AnnieO]

Me too. Especially when Onyxx annoys me for more cell phone minutes (hers are locked down, mine are not). It's "unfair". So when she starts acting like me, going to work, paying the bills... She can have unlimited minutes, too.

And we only have 400 to share.

 

[busywend]

I think those grades 'counted' when she lost the chance to do something she wanted to do.....

 

[TeDo]

I just came up with a canned response for the "its not fair, he gets ____ and I don't".

My answer?

"When you act exactly like he does, I'll treat YOU exactly like him...Give it a try. I dare ya."

Then I'd just walk away.

Oh, how I love that! With my boys being twins, I get that a LOT more than my sister did with her kids that are 2 years apart. Just because they are twins, they think EVERYTHING should be the same for them. Thanks a bunch Shari!!!

 

[timer lady]

TeDo, I had to fight the same issues with my tweedles & the twin thing. Didn't matter that wm didn't need underwear & he found out that kt got a bra; he wanted one or new underwear. (Big ick - huh?)

Saying that, besides the incessant nagging our difficult children in my humble opinion lack the basic understanding of cause & effect add in their own lack of sense of self. DF if your difficult child understood that your easy child earned that privilege by doing XYZ ... heck I don't know would you be doing cartwheels? I sure would be if wm understood.

The same can be said of your difficult child not getting that she & easy child aren't the same people. She understands to an extent, but in her own mind it's not fair because she hasn't quite grasped that her sense of self. She owns her choices & the ensuing consequences ~ good & bad.

Ugly isn't it?