Our son is 19 years old. He graduated from high school last year. He has had most of the symptoms of ODD since he became a teenager. Over the last two years, he has seen 4 therapists briefly. The only one he liked had surgery and retired due to complications from it, after our son had been seeing him for two months. The others were "stupid", and he quit seeing them after between 4 and 8 sessions. He says he is depressed and doesn't need therapy, but does need anti-depressants. He must be in therapy to get anti-depressants; that's the way it is here.
He is highly intelligent (Mensa member).
The current situation is this:
* He is angry because we will not get him an iPhone and buy him a newer used car. He has the use of our old car, which is mechanically sound, and he hates having to drive a large sedan which is 10 years old. He had a cell phone, but he lost it in October. He won't use the flip phone I offered him. He pitched a fit about the iPhone, but now says that I am lying and he merely said he wished he had one. This kind of re-writing history happens with him a lot.
* He dropped out of community college in mid-October, without telling us. He blamed us for making him go in the first place, and when I pointed out that he has been frequently told over the last 4 years that we think taking a gap year (to work) would be a good idea, he backpedaled and said he is depressed. Recently, his sister heard him tell someone he dropped out because studying took too much time. He also said the teachers were stupid.
* We told him that he must work 40 hours a week if he is going to continue to live here. He has not looked for a job. He says that he will not work because "it is not worth it" to work for minimum wage. Recently he changed that to not working because he is depressed.
* He had a minor car wreck (his fault - carelessness - $300-$500 to fix), and refuses to get a job to fix the car because it is unfair for him to have to do that when he can only make minimum wage and his father makes more than that per hour. Thus, it is his father's responsibility to pay for the repair.
* This past summer he looked into joining the Navy. He won't do so now because he is a pacifist.
* On Dec. 1st, we told him that we require him to find a job, and in the meantime, gave him a list of things he must do to pull his own weight in lieu of working. These included a few regular household chores, driving his sibling to school for her 7:30 am class twice a week, and driving his siblings to any medical appointments they have, keeping his room relatively clean (free of dirty dishes and trash), and doing his own laundry. We said he would have to move out if he did not comply.
* All along, up to today, he has refused to do anything we require at least 75% of the time. If we need help with something, he either says no or agrees and then doesn't do it. If we rely on him to do something, like take his sister to school, he says he will do it, but at the last minute refuses to, or simply doesn't show up.
* I made an appointment with a therapist for him, since he claims he is depressed. He is supposed to go next week. He says he is willing, finally ... I think he plans to enlist the therapist's help to persuade us to let him continue to live here.
* Every day is the same for him. He stays in his room, only coming out to use the bathroom or to get food. He sleeps. He Skypes with his friends (often all night), he plays computer games (WOW), he watches movies and tv.
* He gets mad over the smallest things without warning. There are 4 holes in our walls and the frame is coming off around his bedroom door from him slamming it. When he really gets irritated, he will push someone hard or punch them in the arm -- but this has happened only about 6 times in the last 3 years. He yells and throws tantrums once in awhile.
* He thinks we are unfair to him because we don't require the same things of his siblings. They are in high school, don't have driver's licenses, we live about 20 minutes from town, and two of them have Asperger's Syndrome. They are not similarly situated.
* His siblings want him to move out. He spent a couple of months away at a university course this summer, and it was very peaceful around here. The only stress was caused by him not contacting us weekly and not responding to our phone calls and emails.
* I bought a bottle of Crown Royal a year ago, and he drank it sometime between August and October. I bought a bottle (quart-sized) of Irish Whiskey, and within 3 days, all but 2" of it was gone. The bottle had not been opened. A friend of his left his facebook page open on my computer -- to a message from my son offering to pay him $30 to steal a bottle of liquor from his parents. Legal drinking age here is 21.
* His room smells of pot sometimes. We told him he is not allowed to have illegal substances in the house. I still smell pot from time to time.
* He lies to us and is very manipulative. He is proud of how manipulative he is. It's hard to tell if he is sincere about anything until he does nothing he says he will do.
* No consequences matter to him. He can outlast anything, and has.
* On December 27, we told him he must move out by Feb. 28. He has done nothing since then. This week, we wrote him a formal letter telling him he has to be out by Feb 28. He came downstairs with it, yelled at me, cursed at me, and threw something in the sink very hard, and returned to his room.
* Yesterday, he explained how he has a neurological problem (depression) and we should not kick him out because he cannot help how he is, and now he'll be going to therapy. Plus, he cannot support himself and has nowhere to go. The odd thing is that he is mimicking his brother's actual major clinical depression, but I think he is pretending. He is not suicidal at all.
* He thinks he is superior to everyone because of his high IQ. Thus, he listens to no one.
Our situation is that I have a severe heart condition (heart attack, 9 stents, double coronary artery bypass surgery) and my husband has had 4 strokes. The stress of living with our son's lying, manipulation, defiance, and refusal to do anything is really getting to the rest of us.
If our son has not gotten his ducks in a row by February 28, we intend to drive him to town on a weekday morning, and let him out of the car. We will give him a flip phone with Net10 minutes on it, $100 cash, and the list posted on the refrigerator with the names and phone numbers of agencies that help the homeless. He won't have a car, or health insurance after March.
If he has a place to live, he can take the contents of his bedroom and his personal possessions with him.
We haven't taken his internet away because we are afraid he will retaliate -- that it will send him over the edge into violence against me, primarily, or that he will harm our possessions.
Is this the right thing to do? Are we being irresponsible, unloving parents ... what if he really does have a mental illness that prevents him from functioning? Should we give him more time to come around? Is the situation really not that bad, and if we weren't emotionally involved, we'd see that? I mean, he doesn't do anything Serious - he's not committed any crimes (except the pot and drinking, and that is kept to a minimum because he ran out of money); he isn't violent; he doesn't have friends (everyone here is too stupid); he doesn't go anywhere; he hasn't stolen anything (except liquor from us). He's not addicted to anything. Basically, he's just lazy, rude, and refuses to cooperate with us in any way.
What do you all think? I really don't want to make a mistake here. His siblings are seniors in high school. He says that he will never contact any of us again if we throw him out. I told him that we would be very sad about that, but it is his choice.
Thank you in advance for your advice. I am really desperate, and sad, and angry. Our son has finally broken our hearts. He had everything going for him, and he is throwing it all away, including the love and support of his family.
Kittycat
He is highly intelligent (Mensa member).
The current situation is this:
* He is angry because we will not get him an iPhone and buy him a newer used car. He has the use of our old car, which is mechanically sound, and he hates having to drive a large sedan which is 10 years old. He had a cell phone, but he lost it in October. He won't use the flip phone I offered him. He pitched a fit about the iPhone, but now says that I am lying and he merely said he wished he had one. This kind of re-writing history happens with him a lot.
* He dropped out of community college in mid-October, without telling us. He blamed us for making him go in the first place, and when I pointed out that he has been frequently told over the last 4 years that we think taking a gap year (to work) would be a good idea, he backpedaled and said he is depressed. Recently, his sister heard him tell someone he dropped out because studying took too much time. He also said the teachers were stupid.
* We told him that he must work 40 hours a week if he is going to continue to live here. He has not looked for a job. He says that he will not work because "it is not worth it" to work for minimum wage. Recently he changed that to not working because he is depressed.
* He had a minor car wreck (his fault - carelessness - $300-$500 to fix), and refuses to get a job to fix the car because it is unfair for him to have to do that when he can only make minimum wage and his father makes more than that per hour. Thus, it is his father's responsibility to pay for the repair.
* This past summer he looked into joining the Navy. He won't do so now because he is a pacifist.
* On Dec. 1st, we told him that we require him to find a job, and in the meantime, gave him a list of things he must do to pull his own weight in lieu of working. These included a few regular household chores, driving his sibling to school for her 7:30 am class twice a week, and driving his siblings to any medical appointments they have, keeping his room relatively clean (free of dirty dishes and trash), and doing his own laundry. We said he would have to move out if he did not comply.
* All along, up to today, he has refused to do anything we require at least 75% of the time. If we need help with something, he either says no or agrees and then doesn't do it. If we rely on him to do something, like take his sister to school, he says he will do it, but at the last minute refuses to, or simply doesn't show up.
* I made an appointment with a therapist for him, since he claims he is depressed. He is supposed to go next week. He says he is willing, finally ... I think he plans to enlist the therapist's help to persuade us to let him continue to live here.
* Every day is the same for him. He stays in his room, only coming out to use the bathroom or to get food. He sleeps. He Skypes with his friends (often all night), he plays computer games (WOW), he watches movies and tv.
* He gets mad over the smallest things without warning. There are 4 holes in our walls and the frame is coming off around his bedroom door from him slamming it. When he really gets irritated, he will push someone hard or punch them in the arm -- but this has happened only about 6 times in the last 3 years. He yells and throws tantrums once in awhile.
* He thinks we are unfair to him because we don't require the same things of his siblings. They are in high school, don't have driver's licenses, we live about 20 minutes from town, and two of them have Asperger's Syndrome. They are not similarly situated.
* His siblings want him to move out. He spent a couple of months away at a university course this summer, and it was very peaceful around here. The only stress was caused by him not contacting us weekly and not responding to our phone calls and emails.
* I bought a bottle of Crown Royal a year ago, and he drank it sometime between August and October. I bought a bottle (quart-sized) of Irish Whiskey, and within 3 days, all but 2" of it was gone. The bottle had not been opened. A friend of his left his facebook page open on my computer -- to a message from my son offering to pay him $30 to steal a bottle of liquor from his parents. Legal drinking age here is 21.
* His room smells of pot sometimes. We told him he is not allowed to have illegal substances in the house. I still smell pot from time to time.
* He lies to us and is very manipulative. He is proud of how manipulative he is. It's hard to tell if he is sincere about anything until he does nothing he says he will do.
* No consequences matter to him. He can outlast anything, and has.
* On December 27, we told him he must move out by Feb. 28. He has done nothing since then. This week, we wrote him a formal letter telling him he has to be out by Feb 28. He came downstairs with it, yelled at me, cursed at me, and threw something in the sink very hard, and returned to his room.
* Yesterday, he explained how he has a neurological problem (depression) and we should not kick him out because he cannot help how he is, and now he'll be going to therapy. Plus, he cannot support himself and has nowhere to go. The odd thing is that he is mimicking his brother's actual major clinical depression, but I think he is pretending. He is not suicidal at all.
* He thinks he is superior to everyone because of his high IQ. Thus, he listens to no one.
Our situation is that I have a severe heart condition (heart attack, 9 stents, double coronary artery bypass surgery) and my husband has had 4 strokes. The stress of living with our son's lying, manipulation, defiance, and refusal to do anything is really getting to the rest of us.
If our son has not gotten his ducks in a row by February 28, we intend to drive him to town on a weekday morning, and let him out of the car. We will give him a flip phone with Net10 minutes on it, $100 cash, and the list posted on the refrigerator with the names and phone numbers of agencies that help the homeless. He won't have a car, or health insurance after March.
If he has a place to live, he can take the contents of his bedroom and his personal possessions with him.
We haven't taken his internet away because we are afraid he will retaliate -- that it will send him over the edge into violence against me, primarily, or that he will harm our possessions.
Is this the right thing to do? Are we being irresponsible, unloving parents ... what if he really does have a mental illness that prevents him from functioning? Should we give him more time to come around? Is the situation really not that bad, and if we weren't emotionally involved, we'd see that? I mean, he doesn't do anything Serious - he's not committed any crimes (except the pot and drinking, and that is kept to a minimum because he ran out of money); he isn't violent; he doesn't have friends (everyone here is too stupid); he doesn't go anywhere; he hasn't stolen anything (except liquor from us). He's not addicted to anything. Basically, he's just lazy, rude, and refuses to cooperate with us in any way.
What do you all think? I really don't want to make a mistake here. His siblings are seniors in high school. He says that he will never contact any of us again if we throw him out. I told him that we would be very sad about that, but it is his choice.
Thank you in advance for your advice. I am really desperate, and sad, and angry. Our son has finally broken our hearts. He had everything going for him, and he is throwing it all away, including the love and support of his family.
Kittycat
I am just so puzzled. I don't understand how my son could have become the way he is. I don't think its due to where we live, given his history.
