Is it ok?

[Blondiesbf]

If I have feelings of hurt in this whole, crappy difficult child world? My biological mother pretty much says no. According to her, I must put my feelings aside and keep searching for ways to help difficult child. I'm already in an emotional place having had to kick him out, but now I feel she, and one of my 1/2 brothers, feel that I just haven't done enough to 'fix' this. Additionally, they have made me feel that living my life should not be done as long as difficult child has problems. While deep down, I know better, their opinion expressed to me has left me in quite a funk. Mind you, I've never had a close relationship with them, but in all honesty, when they reached out to me in August, I thought they were offering support and I was thrilled. (Guess that portion of this belongs on an adoptee forum!) ;-)

And it certainly doesn't help that difficult child just stopped in. Seeing him hurts to the core because I can't get through to him. Of course, his stopping in was due to needing something. His washer has broken and he wants hubby to look at it. I don't have a problem with that as long as he's not looking to do his wash here...he has to feel the full affects of being a 'big boy' on his own!

 

[DDD]

Just remember that the decisons you made are seriously thoughtout analyzed decisions that you feel are best. It's hard to have others not support your choices but deep in your heart you "know". Sending supportive hugs. DDD

 

[InsaneCdn]

It would be more of a problem if you did NOT have feelings.
You are a normal human being. Life's ups and downs are more extreme if you have a difficult child - but the ups and downs are there for everybody. And most people are normal and have feelings that go all over the place too. To lock away yourself and your feelings is counterproductive.

Yes, as parents, we put our kids needs ahead of our own wants, and often ahead of minor needs (do I really need to replace my glasses this year? or use that $$ for difficult child's therapy?). But, we cannot deny or ignore our own needs without making the situation worse.

Its a tough road.
{{more hugs}}

 

[ThreeShadows]

It's so easy for others to judge us. They don't walk in your shoes. You need to take care of yourself,{{ many hugs}}!

 

[keista]

((((HUGS)))) I am so sorry your family laid this guilt trip on you.

You have my permission to tell them to go fornicate off! Well, Ok, maybe not.

BUT if they really think more can and should be done, THEY are welcome to try. THEY are welcome to take in difficult child and THEY can do whatever it is THEY think you have failed to do. AND IF they succeed? You will be more than happy to eat crow forever.

Do NOT let them get you down, and do NOT put your life on hold any longer. You are not "just" difficult child's mom, you are an individual unto yourself, and after all the work you've put into difficult child, YOU DESERVE to rediscover YOURSELF!

 

[MuM_of_OCD_kiddo]

BUT if they really think more can and should be done, THEY are welcome to try. THEY are welcome to take in difficult child and THEY can do whatever it is THEY think you have failed to do. AND IF they succeed? You will be more than happy to eat crow forever.

Do NOT let them get you down, and do NOT put your life on hold any longer. You are not "just" difficult child's mom, you are an individual unto yourself, and after all the work you've put into difficult child, YOU DESERVE to rediscover YOURSELF!

Keista = so very, very well said! I second this advice from the heart! Blondie - tell them until they have walked in your shoes and lived with a difficult child for 20 yrs - to zip up, and if they feel they need to step in and enable him some at their expense [and unfortunately his too] - they can go and knock themselves out. Stand firm on your decision and go and have a life! [The later meant in the most sincere way - go and find the Blondie you know is somewhere underneath the difficult child mom and do something nice for your hubby too....] Hugs!

 

[toughlovin]

OK from your sig your difficult child is 20 years old. He is legally and adult. You really cant do any more to fix this unless he wants to..... My experience has been that other people here what you have been through and they just think there must be something you can do and they start coming up with solutions... sometimes those solutions are things you have already tried, or solutions you know from experience won't work, or realistically won' t work because your difficult child doesn't want it. I have had friends do this to me... and what I have to really impart to them is that I have done everything I can, everything I can think of, and really there is nothing I can do until my son wants help himself. Reality it is really hard to sit in this helpless place us PE parents sit which is our kids are legally adults and there really is nothing we can do.

I think people who are not sitting here just don't believe it... if only you just (fill in the blank) then he would get better. Reality is that is a crock. And it is easy to get into a funk if you buy into that thinking at all because you go down that if only I did abc path.

One thing that really helped me was a parents alanon group where I found other good parents in the same position I was in.

And I will do an update in another thread.... but what I am seeing live right now is that my taking this "it is up to you, not me" my son is actually seeking help for himself. I can help him help himself but he is now in the drivers seat not me.

Hang in there, hold your head high and don't let them bring out the guilt gremlins..... and come here to all of us.

TL

 

[HaoZi]

Judging from your signature, there is no viable reason for difficult child to not be able to take care of himself. Ergo, difficult child's problems are, well, difficult child's problems. They're not your problem any longer unless you choose to make them your problem, and I have a sneaking suspicion that what your critics are terming "help" would more likely fall in the definition of "enabling." It is one thing if they have specific ideas on ways he can truly be helped that require your assistance, it is quite another for them to make noises that you can't have a life until he's fully functioning when he is beyond an age that you could actually do much to force him to get help.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh that part about you not having a life until he is fully funcitioning... that smells very strongly of enabling and is a good way to have a miserable life. One thing I have realized recently is that my difficult children problems may go on for a long long time and if put my life on hold until they are better, then I will also have a lousy life!!! And showing him that I will also have a lousy life does him absolutely no good at all!!! Best thing you can do is show him you love him, will support him in getting help for himself and also showing him that YOU are going to continue having a good life yourself.!!

 

[DammitJanet]

I am going to copy and paste some very good advice from a former member. I think you will benefit from it. I seem to be channeling her spirit lately..lol.


[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]
Pico,
Here is a reply you made to the question of, "If ODD is a true mental illness, how does punishing the child make sense?" The concern was with using tough love with an 18 year old nephew who got mad, and is now living in his car. "I am having such a hard time with this "tough love" that I feel so bad for him too, because I know he has this disorder, and I try to separate the kid from the disorder. He can be such a great kid at times. It just breaks my heart to see him like this. Are we doing the right thing here? What else can we do? I keep thinking, if he had diabetes, and needed his insulin, we would make sure he got it, and make sure he was safe."
Pico, Administrator, posted 13 April 2000 05:54 PM
OK, Carol.
Are you done? Sure?
Take a really deep breath.
I mean INHALE, girl!
Now, Exhale!
Now, do it again!

OK. Now that you have some oxygen in your lungs, and maybe you even smiled, or maybe you scratched your head wondering who this NUT is that jumped in here --

Following up on the analogy you so aptly introduced -- namely, if he had diabetes, you would make sure he had his insulin. Yep. You sure would. And so would every other parent I can think of that is here.

BUT, if he is 18 and stomps out of the house screaming in the night that he "IS SO GONNA EAT EVERY CHOCOLATE BAR THERE IS ON THE PLANET!!!", there would be precious little you could do even though you KNOW that overindulging in chocolate bars will do bad things to a diabetic.

It doesn't mean you failed. Nor does it necessarily mean difficult child failed. It means that you have hit a critical point in the relationship that everyone hits.

He wants to go out there and do his thing. You know it's stupid, and dangerous. Probably on some level he does, too.

But you can't change the fact that he is doing it. He is going to go out in the world and make his own choices. Many of them are likely to be poor choices.

The best thing you can do is keep loving him, but set realistic boundaries. If you would let any other kid you have ever known use you for the free shower and laundry -- aka the "Y", -- then OK, let him treat your house as the drop-in and de-grunge zone.

If, on the other hand, you don't feel like maintaining a public toilet, say so.

The point is:
If you're gonna play with the big dogs, you gotta get off the porch.
And once off the porch, don't expect mama to keep the milk warm just for you!

Along with his right to make his own choices, comes the responsibility to live with and deal with the results of those choices. He chose to live in his car rather than in your home. Gee. I've never seen a car with a washer dryer unit in it. Guess he's going to have to use some of the money he earns at one of his jobs for laundry-mat money.

His car doesn't have a shower? Gee. Guess he and his car will have to avail themselves of the local car wash?

His car doesn't have a television? Oh well. Since he is on his own, he's going to have to spend most of his time dealing with real life stuff, so he probably won't have time to watch the tube anyway.

His car doesn't have a refrigerator? Gee. that's what houses are for.

He doesn't have a house? Gee. I thought that was what he wanted to get away from.

It's hard out there. Yep. Real hard.

And fools will learn by none other.[/FONT]

 

[Blondiesbf]

I am so incredibly glad I have you guys. Reading each and every reply has lifted some of the funk the biological family placed upon me. I could have ignored it, knowing better deep down, but I let them get to me. You managed to reel me back in...and even make me smile! Yes, I would love to tell them to go fornicate themselves!!!

It still takes getting used to. If one ever truly does. Thank goodness for here! In the meantime, I think I'm going to go find some counseling...I need to make sure I stay strong and address this...and some other underlying adoption issues that I thought I had so conveniently buried so long ago! Al-Anon for parents is also at the top of the list. I think I need to see and talk to other people, face-to-face, to find additional strength and support with.

Thank-you! Thank-you! Thank-you! For your much needed support!

 

[AnnieO]

Families are sometimes too close. Even those who are estranged. Close, yet too far.

They DON'T know what it's like. How could they, possibly, have a clue? And so they think you can "fix" him.

All you can do about them is smile, nod, and ignore. Then do what YOU need to do.

 

[Star*]

I'm not following the adopting thing -------but I was adopted and I went through a LOT of counseling about it to get my heart and head straight.....If you want to pick someones brains about that? I'm available and talk freely, openly and pretty well-adjusted about it.

I can tell you that most (not all) adoptees that I have met in my life have issues that they don't have ANY IDEA they are dealing with. It's a pretty messed up/freaky situation and can NOT be compared to any other family situation like "Oh yeah well I have a step dad, or my Mom remarried, or my Parents left when I was two and my Grandparents raised me." No one and I mean NO ONE in this world knows what you are going through, have gone through or will go through until you talk to someone about it. Another adoptee may - but unless that adoptee (in my humble opinion) is adjusted, and accepting, has had therapy, accepts their life and gets the W's of their world (who what where when and why) to try to begin to understand yourself probably going to make it a more messed up situation and add more layers to an already convoluted ice pond.

I started out wanting to find....I don't know. Maybe parents, siblings, my history, a way to forgive? I ended up finding myself. Knowing that I am NOT now, Never WAS -----garbage, never COULD have been just unwanted......uncared for. I AM somebody. I had and still have issues with many things because of adoption but at least now I KNOW what those are, and I can and am working on those and can identify them instead of wornder when something happens "OH GARRRRRR why do I do these things?" (and not think dumb dumb dumb) it's not dumb---it's a built in safety mechanism.....you figure out what and who is toxic....why...why you do the things you do - what's healthy = what's NOT....and a lot of things that are why they are because of things in your past. But I didn't know ANY of this unitl I went to counseling, started way back about talking about the adoption and it was like - "I do that because of the adoption? THEHELLYOUSAY" and went from there........and worked up to mid 30's and started over with a brand new plan and MAN how freeing was that? ......LOADS.....

You eventually can give yourself permission to truly be.....HAPPY. It's never too late.

Anyway - off soapbox.......

 

[HaoZi]

A word from another adoptee - good book is http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Adopted-Self-Quest-Wholeness/dp/0465036759 very useful and enlightening.

 

[Fran]

My mantra, learned from feeling injured and shocked that those who supposedly love me thought I was A) over reacting or B) not doing the right thing has been to repeat the following"

"I answer to no one but myself, my God and my husband. Everyone else can get in line. I'll get to their thoughts someday"
It's important as an adult to not give other peoples words too much power. Talk is very, very cheap.
Take care of yourself, do what's in the best interest of your family including difficult child and try to have a life that is not difficult child based but family based.