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Is it wrong that I don't even like her anymore?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 174695" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I wasn't always able to relate well to other children either, when I was a kid. I had similarly high expectations placed on me with the feeling that I was never going to be good enough. I'd bring home a report card saying I had scored 97&#37; in English and was third in the class; all I felt I got in return was, "Why weren't you first? And what happened to the other 3%?"</p><p>With hindsight, I wonder if they might have been gently teasing; but what I perceived, is what has stayed with me. I also had my own parents' lack of opportunity to live down - my father had wanted to be a teacher, but his family couldn't afford to send him to college to get his qualifications; besides, it was the Depression. My mother left school when she became a teenager, in order to stay at home and help her mother, who was ill. Elder daughters did those things back then. So I was expected to make the best of the wonderful opportunity I had, that my parents had not.</p><p>I was also a child in a family of adults, and would converse with adults readily. But other kids felt I was "bunging it on" and trying to act grown up. Frankly, I hated my childhood. I made a pact with myself very early on, to always remember what it had felt like to me as a child, to experience all the things that adults kept telling me were so wonderful. I never wanted to become the kind of adult I despised, the kind who patronised children or was totally out of touch with them. In short, I made a decision to never grow up.</p><p></p><p>A bright child is going to feel alienated. A bright child with any sort of learning problem is going to not only feel alienated, but frustrated as well as fraudulent. Self-esteem plummets, confidence plummets, and if ANY adult in your environment SEEMS at all unsupportive, it makes things far worse. And if the adults in your life ARE unsupportive (instead of just seeming to be) the reality can take many years to overcome, if ever. </p><p></p><p>WHat helped me eventually - I finally recognised that I was answerable TO MYSELF and to nobody else, for what I choose to do with my brains. At the moment, everything has been submerged as I focus all my energies on the kids and getting them off to a good start, getting them to the point where THEY can finally work independently with what they have got.</p><p></p><p>Social alienation is both real and perceived. ALL kids perceive a high level of social alienation, especially between about 6 and 16. How much of it is REAL - doesn't matter so much. It's how we help them deal with it and learn to find their own feet in it, that is more important.</p><p></p><p>Julia, you have several Aspie friends. I guess I'm safe in saying that they would also classify you as a friend? So if THEY can each lay claim to having at least one good friend, then you can see that a daughter with ADHD has a good chance as well, of finding at least one good friend. Set the example for her and teach her how to BE a good friend, to at least one other person.</p><p></p><p>We can never be loved by everyone, which is why we as children perceive ourselves to be unpopular. We need to stop worrying about being loved, and learn to love without wanting anything in return. It's a difficult lesson for a child to learn because it means moving from the position of egocentricity into which every child is born, towards selflessness, which is almost against basic human nature.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 174695, member: 1991"] I wasn't always able to relate well to other children either, when I was a kid. I had similarly high expectations placed on me with the feeling that I was never going to be good enough. I'd bring home a report card saying I had scored 97% in English and was third in the class; all I felt I got in return was, "Why weren't you first? And what happened to the other 3%?" With hindsight, I wonder if they might have been gently teasing; but what I perceived, is what has stayed with me. I also had my own parents' lack of opportunity to live down - my father had wanted to be a teacher, but his family couldn't afford to send him to college to get his qualifications; besides, it was the Depression. My mother left school when she became a teenager, in order to stay at home and help her mother, who was ill. Elder daughters did those things back then. So I was expected to make the best of the wonderful opportunity I had, that my parents had not. I was also a child in a family of adults, and would converse with adults readily. But other kids felt I was "bunging it on" and trying to act grown up. Frankly, I hated my childhood. I made a pact with myself very early on, to always remember what it had felt like to me as a child, to experience all the things that adults kept telling me were so wonderful. I never wanted to become the kind of adult I despised, the kind who patronised children or was totally out of touch with them. In short, I made a decision to never grow up. A bright child is going to feel alienated. A bright child with any sort of learning problem is going to not only feel alienated, but frustrated as well as fraudulent. Self-esteem plummets, confidence plummets, and if ANY adult in your environment SEEMS at all unsupportive, it makes things far worse. And if the adults in your life ARE unsupportive (instead of just seeming to be) the reality can take many years to overcome, if ever. WHat helped me eventually - I finally recognised that I was answerable TO MYSELF and to nobody else, for what I choose to do with my brains. At the moment, everything has been submerged as I focus all my energies on the kids and getting them off to a good start, getting them to the point where THEY can finally work independently with what they have got. Social alienation is both real and perceived. ALL kids perceive a high level of social alienation, especially between about 6 and 16. How much of it is REAL - doesn't matter so much. It's how we help them deal with it and learn to find their own feet in it, that is more important. Julia, you have several Aspie friends. I guess I'm safe in saying that they would also classify you as a friend? So if THEY can each lay claim to having at least one good friend, then you can see that a daughter with ADHD has a good chance as well, of finding at least one good friend. Set the example for her and teach her how to BE a good friend, to at least one other person. We can never be loved by everyone, which is why we as children perceive ourselves to be unpopular. We need to stop worrying about being loved, and learn to love without wanting anything in return. It's a difficult lesson for a child to learn because it means moving from the position of egocentricity into which every child is born, towards selflessness, which is almost against basic human nature. Marg [/QUOTE]
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