is my situation not as serious as most?

[Kathy813]

Suzir, I agree that Stazerd knows her daughter best. However, she came here seeking advice because she is not sure what to do so we have only given her advice and opinions based on our own experience. As always, she should take what is helpful and leave the rest.

 

[Landshark]

Just so you all know, I am still reading and appreciating all the advice and the experience. Everyone's situation is uniquely theirs. I am struggling to understand why my daughter cannot find a job of course, but I am struggling with the question of how she can live in the manner that she does. Without a penny, without a friend, without asking anything of her family. Please don't twist my words, she really doesn't ask us for anything and never has. I'm trying now to help her get some independence and if she doesn't, if she sits back and doesn't find work, then I'll be making the tough choices.
Thank you everyone for words of encouragement and support. I am amazed at what some of you have lived through with your own children. My issues pale in comparison.

 

[layne]

Ok, ok. Everyone got mad because I didn't jump on "kick daughter out on the streets" bandwagon. Anyone can see for themselves that my first reply to OP was very nice and calm. Was I talking to anyone else but the OP? Um, nope , I don't think so. However, a couple of others made it a point to tell me I was wrong and that they were right, so they opened the door for debate. And yes MWM, she was snarky by doing the winky face "". If you don't call that sarcasm I don't know what it is. So, I do not apologize. I stand behind what I say even more so now. And guess what, the OP said AGAIN and made it CLEAR that her daughters problems PALE in comparison to many of our difficult child, which is why I suggested maybe it's ok to let difficult child move back in instead of being on streets with some rules of course and see how it goes. I think women will always have it harder than men and I really don't care if you find that sexist or not MWM. I will not back down from my opinion. Obviously, it is plain to see I am the only one with a different opinion, so hence why everyone is telling me that *I* am wrong. You can delete my comments, you can ban me, you can do whatever you like, but I know when I am in the right and anyone can go back and read through the thread to see what really happened that is of course my comments don't get deleted.

 

[layne]

Wow, that is a disheartening, painful response. Layne, mothers love their difficult children and do not want them to come to harm. It's not about selfishly preserving Moms lifestyle or meeting Moms expectations. Its about parents worrying about their offspring being safe and taken care of when they are gone. But moving back home is hardly the answer in every situation. Cohabitation seems to me to lead to more arguing, fighting, emotional wreckage and bitter grudges in so many cases I've read here. I wish things were that simple. I am sorry you "don't care what anyone says" when listening to the voices of experience, decades of it. I hope you will reconsider your viewpoint, there is a lot of wisdom on these boards if you are open to the experiences of others.

Now you're just grasping at things I said now to make me look bad. I think OP knew what I meant. (another reason why no one should chime in on other's comments because I responding to someone else when I made that statement, not OP) OP made it clear twice about how difficult child pale in comparison to others. No, I will not reconsider my view point. I had lived a million lifetimes and I have much wisdom as well. You don't proclaim to know all do you? Can you not learn from others? I don't give generic opinions. I really listen to each persons story and try to give them advice tailored to their situation. Only you took my statement that personally. I don't think the OP did at all and if she did I am really sorry, it was not intended at all. Not even a little bit. Didn't someone mention thick skin on here in reference to me by the way?

 

[BusynMember]

layne, I'm not the one who used the word sexist. I think it's a comment made from your youth and that you still have a lot of growing up to do, yet I probably would have thought exactly as you do at your age.

You are entitled to your opinion.

An opinion is not right or wrong and you don't get banned unless you are continuously rude to other posters. I do, by the way, KNOW that many women make it on their own. I know many who did. I was one. With three kids and no family support. I was in my late thirties and had gone through a divorce. I feel it made me more self-sufficient.

I don't see anything wrong at all with utilizing government programs and wish there were more to help people in need, but there aren't so we have to find ways to make our lives work. If you directed that at me, I really think we fail our less fortunate citizens in this country. Those who try hard and still have it hard. I have little sympathy for those who refuse to even try, but do wish we had more resources for them too. But we don't and we work with the system we have. Or we don't have quality lives. It is our decision.

Lastly, the courts are very unkind to men when it comes to children. Women tend to get soul custody and child support and men don't have it so easy either.

It is the individual, not the person's sex, that makes or breaks somebody.

Anyhow, this is way off topic...so....have a serene and peaceful day.

 

[layne]

"moving home is hardly the answer". That's why I used the word RARE in my original comment!

Read my words and stop jumping to conclusions and assuming what I think.

 

[Crying Uncle]

Layne, have you any further comments on the original subject of this post? Your input has as much value as anyone's and I hate to see you feel put upon. But we have spent almost two pages of this 3 page post dealing with your anger over commentary on your opinion. I don't really agree you were attacked - but will offer an olive branch. And that is.. please, can we talk about my sister and her difficult child and not your hurt feelings?

 

[layne]

Really, my anger? Hmm, let me ask this. Why was there commentary on my opinion? Wouldn't you consider that moving away from your sisters problem, all the commentary on my opinion? So actually, you need to talk to everyone who wrote paragraphs, including yourself, to me about my opinion. My opinion was not offensive in the least. So maybe you all should focus on OP's problem, like I have been doing, and not worry about my opinion. Nice try though, but I am way too smart for that patronizing "stuff". You're going to have to take it up about 10 levels, you forget, I deal with a difficult child on a daily basis

 

[Crying Uncle]

So that olive branch -- not a taker, hunh? Thanks for your concern for my family.

 

[Echolette]

CU, you can click on her icon and have the option to ignore all future posts if that is helpful. I do that sometimes when things feel toxic.

 

[layne]

I don't like olives, I'm allergic.

I find it odd that an uncle finds his way onto a board his sister is on for her troubled daughter. I mean, one can see it as such a good brotherly thing to do, but it's just so rare. Not many brothers would do that. Let me ask you something, because I am concerned with your sister and niece. Your sister told us her difficult child problems are not that serious at all, so other than having not the society normal life, what's the problem here? I could see if your niece was a ragging drug addict, thief , abusive difficult child like some of us have, but I am not quite getting all the concern here and following his sister all the way on to a internet board, especially an uncle jumping in on the situation that doesn't seem to be THAT dier. I'm confused I must say.

 

[Crying Uncle]

I take back what I just said about not editing. The sickening inferences of Layne's latest post cannot be ignored. I have reported her. Let moderators decide who is abusing the boards.

 

[layne]

Oh it's ok CU, I know my time is limited. Of course I will get banned. But hopefully I can see your reply to my last response? I probably won't be able to answer being as though I am pretty sure little tatle tale tales are writing to the mods right now trying to get me kicked off, because god for bid, I have my own opinion. Sometimes oldies and mods on boards lose sight of things.

 

[Crying Uncle]

troll alert

 

[layne]

Just saw your comment, and what sickening inference? I didn't inference anything, but a whole bunch of red flags just started to raise up in my head! I knew something was off when I first commented on this. I truly sense OP's daughter is not the problem. It's her family! I smell a whole bunch of funky stuff going on here. I guess I am a troll if you consider a troll calling them as she sees 'em.

 

[runawaybunny]

Oh it's ok CU, I know my time is limited. Of course I will get banned. But hopefully I can see your reply to my last response? I probably won't be able to answer being as though I am pretty sure little tatle tale tales are writing to the mods right now trying to get me kicked off, because god for bid, I have my own opinion. Sometimes oldies and mods on boards lose sight of things.

Yep, you've been banned.

 

[witzend]

Stazerd, I hope that you will find a way to be comfortable with where you and your daughter are at in your lives.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Stazerd,

I'm so sorry about your daughter and her whole situation. Has she been diagnosed with depression? From your description, she sounds profoundly depressed. Sometimes people are so stuck, they don't even have the energy to seek help. Have you ever heard of NAMI - it's a great resource for those seeking help with depression/mental illness and/or their loved ones. You may want to look at their website.
You may think your struggle is nothing compared with most of the people on this board, but I understand your concern, and it is truly valid. I'm sorry for your trouble.

 

[Landshark]

She has been diagnosed with depression but only recently. It was a small victory to get her to go to a clinic (actually is a part off NAMI). And it should be said that she called the place herself, got herself there by bus and did all the paperwork. Now she is beginning to see a counselor. I have suggested she see what other help they offer at this establishment.
Yes, I think she is so stuck and so deep into her isolation from society.
Thanks to all for listening.

 

[SuZir]

She has been diagnosed with depression but only recently. It was a small victory to get her to go to a clinic (actually is a part off NAMI). And it should be said that she called the place herself, got herself there by bus and did all the paperwork. Now she is beginning to see a counselor. I have suggested she see what other help they offer at this establishment.

Sounds like you have a start there. Depression (and for example social anxiety though it doesn't seem to be that big issue in US it is around where I live, it's in the very top of reasons for permanent disability in young) can be extremely disabling and people suffering them can drop out from society simply because trying to seek help is already too big of a task. And often there are of course other complicating factors (often something neurological or social skills related, or substance abuse, or physical illness, or trauma history (bullying for example being quite a risk factor) or something else.)

But that she is seeking help and even doing it on herself is huge. Maybe trying to help her find out information about resources available in your area would be something you would feel comfortable doing to help her; and her feeling comfortable accepting from you?