I too am Canadian and when our son ran off same thing. Our son will be 18 in October. He has been in and out of trouble with drugs for 4 years now progressively gotten worse. I called the police on him he was arrested in May and charged with possession of cocoiane and MJ. A rough call to make but he was advertising and selling drugs from my home on his Instagram account. He is insolent and disruptive does not abide by the Hosue rules. He was away from home couch surfing from friend to friend for a while. We let him move back home in June indicating that he needed to abide by the Hosue rules and go back to school and attempt to get his credits. It was a struggle but he got his credits and was able to enrol in an alternative program for next year to finish high school. He needs 6 credits. To tally it up he won't listen, doesnt do any chores, won't keep his room clean; I don't clean it it is full of garbage and dirty laundry. He was taking the family cars without permission so now I sleep with my keys and my valuables locked up. He has been going to out patient rehab which is a bit of a joke because I know he is still using drugs. Got a job slept in missed his first day has called in sick twice in a week and won't have the job for long. Took my car brought it back wreaking of MJ found an ounce on him. Hard rule no drugs in the house. He said an ounce isnni big deal. I have asked him to leave. Said we would pay first and last months rent on a room for him. I am taking his phone off the family plan. He has gone over his plan every single month. Said I would get him his fist pre paid SIM card. He wants his car back that we took back from him is insolent and not sorry about anything but getting caught with drugs again. He rages about the car. When he had it for 4 months it was a garbage tip and when he was found with drugs we took the car from him. He says he is not leaving without his car. I don't really care about the car I am exhausted from fighting with him. We have done and tried everything possible he refused to go to in treatment programs and only sees his outpatient rehab counsellor because it is part of his bail. He had his 17 yr old girlfriend sleep over when I told him I don't condone that in my Hosue. He harassed her when she broke up with him to the point of her parents threatening to have him charged. He clearly has issues but keeping him at home and allowing him to do what he pleases and making our lives hell is simply not the answer any more. We have his bail coordinator from John Howard society finding him a place to reside. I held his bail until he did drugs (snorting OxyContin) and I rescinded. I say give him the car I am not paying for insurance on it so he can have at it. He has never paid us for it and was supposed to pay us half of the cost. He is cockey, arrogant, rude and insolent. He is on a job for a pool Company with guys who smoke pot at work. If this is how he wants to live his life he is welcome to it. I get that they are in teen brain mode until they are in their 20's but I refuse to allow him to reside with us and break every singe house rule. This has almost distroyed my marriage of 30 years and my husband and I separated for a year because of the stress. Of course our son blames his drug use on us and we were almost ruined by it. I don't sleep I have panic attacks I don't work full time any more because he consumes so much of my time and energy. We are making him leave as we can not take any more. He needs to go and sort his life out on his own terms. The only way we will allow him back home is if he completes an in Hosue treatment program that can be mandated by his probation officer once his case gets through the court systems, or one we have a bed on hold for him in once a bed becomes available. He has absolutely refused to go to the rehab programs. When you read the description of who Pine River and Project DARE treat our kid is the poster child. Asking him to leave was not an easy decision. It tears us apart emotionally. But he will not change and he needs to be out in the world and find some way to gain perspective and an attitude adjustment or not.
I just wanted to reach out to you and tell you that YOU have done everything you can do.
I would NOT let your son come home for a very long time, if ever. He is not ready to change.
My son, when younger, sounds exactly like your son. I was waiting for our son to be "ready to change" too. A recent therapist he had who was a former addict told me that we CAN and should force the change and that is what we have set out to do. We've literally done everything else.
After a 2 month binge on benzos March of 2016 we said rehab or OUT the door. He sat there as high as a kite during his binge telling me he wasn't going to rehabs ever again; he was done with that! I knew he had nowhere to go. I was scared and hoped I could be strong. He is very strong willed. He chose rehab because it was the better choice. After rehab we sent him to sober living 1300 miles away. I could not again let him come home; we had seen him fail too many times. He did great for a while in his IOP and sober living and then started his BS with them. Jumped around to many sober livings breaking the rules. I was completely freaking out. Couldn't believe that he was acting this way and not wanting help. I thought he'd end up dead. I really did.
After living in car a few days, he seemed to do better and got a shared apartment and working steadily. We thought he was smoking weed and a bit of drinking but we thought he was okay since he was taking a class and seemed to be handling everything (we are still learning). We helped him out with the rent but he was taking care of a lot of things he had never taken care of before in his life so we felt he was "growing". After about six months things shifted. His girlfriend (who is a doll and doesn't party; has lost both parents to addiction) found him huffing in his room (OMG the visual of that still makes my stomach turn) and he went to detox at her insistence. Long story but a few months later he is now in sober living and we told him we are DONE and if he doesn't do it this time we are walking away from him. He doesn't have the attitude he used to have so that is a major breakthrough. He seems to have humbled himself in many ways.
I have refrained from speaking to him at all at times because I just needed to pull away for ME. I am done doing the mommy thing. We had been very very close. I am in therapy and it has helped me set loving boundaries for him and us.
I still don't know what will happen or if he will stay on course. He needs to realize he cannot drink a beer and he cannot smoke weed or he'll end up back to pills. He has told me that but does he really believe it and embrace it? How many times does he have to go down the toilet to see that?
My unsolicited opinion is that your son cannot get well in your home. Our son cannot either. It would be nice to be together and it would be a lot less cost to us (we are paying half his rent as long as he is sober and working) but it just is not meant to be. It was very hard for me to accept that. I wasn't ready to let go.
You need a break. It doesn't mean you don't love your son. Your son is almost an adult and he has chosen this path. Our son (like most of us here) is from a very good family and has his future laid out for him if he'll just take the path that he needs to take. He has no reason to numb himself from anything. He's had a great life and we have been good parents. We did the family meals, the baseball, the football, family vacations, two furry dogs. Everything that a parent can possibly do to provide a loving and nurturing home for him.
Some people choose the hard life. I don't know why and I'll never understand it. I love and support him but I cannot let him take me down with him. If he doesn't choose the right path, he will not be in our lives.