is the crisis time over yet???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by antsmom, Mar 27, 2007.

  1. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    <span style='font-family: Century Gothic'> ant had been so good for about a week. then last night at midnight he called and said he was going to kill himself. he was drunk. he told me he was an hour away down by a river. he said "cant you hear the water?" I did. he said he was all alone and had been left there.

    I talked with him but he said he is tired of living and will be an alcoholic all his life so he might as well end it now. I had my other son call and talk to him. I told him I could not come and goodbye.

    meanwhile I did call boyfriend as he was the last one with him. I did not want to call him but he employs ant and I wondered if he had been fired. I found that ant had told boyfriend that he needed 200.00 for past due fines (a lie) and boyfriend had given it to him at the end of their workday. apparently ant spent most of it at the mall on clothes for himself, eating out and beer. boyfriend asked me if I am going to live like this for the rest of my life. He did pray for ant and offered to come over but I said no.

    I laid in bed thinking I cannot do this anymore when the doorbell rang. It was ant. he had lied and was only over at the lake three miles from here. he hadnt been alone because some girl walked in with him. he could barely stand and she had dragged him in. he went back and laid on his bed. I asked her who she was. she said she had met him on Myspace a few dys ago. I told her he was an alcoholic and she should not hang out with him.

    she left. I walked back to his room and he was on the phone. he then walked out the front door and got into her car. they left for the night.

    today he went to work for boyfriend again. some diff girl brought him home ( a 17 yr old he has been seeing off and on for a few months and her mom knows he is 23 and an ex con)

    she and he went back to his room like nothing was wrong and he had a stupid smile on his face. I told him I am done with late night calls, and he had lied to me and boyfriend. As I was speaking he slammed his bedroom door in my face/she was sitting on his bed.

    I told him thru the door to gather his stuff and be out by a half hour. I told him to leave the house key and find a place to live. he left with the clothes on his back for the thousandth time. he said "dont write me when I am in jail".
    she and he drove off. he called a half hour later. I have caller ID and told him this was his one call. he said "where am I going to go?" I said I didnt know and hung up. he has tried calling twice since but I am not answering.

    I hate this and will not go back to late night drama. I cannot believe how good he was for a very short time. I cannot help but think how people will think I am so mean to do this again, but I have had it. with the recent breakup with boyfriend, I am fed up anyway. if you all are as sick of my life lately as I am I understand.

  2. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    Oh AM, I am so sorry. I read the first few words, and my heart sank. I know how that late night call feels, and I wish you weren't going through this again. :sad: Luckly, mine stopped years ago. I really don't know what to say. You've tried so many things, just to have it go bad again. May I ask where the baby is. Is he with you during this hard time? Surely Ant can't raise him right now, he's not even functioning properly. {{BIG HUG}} I hope things get better.
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I think you are doing the right thing. Hang in there....he is old enough now for tough love. Somehow, someway, he has to figure this out for himself - and as long as he can manipulate and lie to you he will not make progress. I know how hard it must be for you......and I am thinking of you in this difficult time.
  4. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    As I always say, when it rains it pours!!! For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing throwing Ant out. He is an adult now. He has to make his own choices. You deserve to be happy. You deserve not to have to live like this!!!

    I think detachment is all that you can do. I know how much you love him and how much he hurts you. I know you want what is best for Ant. Ant needs to want what is best for Ant. You can't help him if you enable him by allowing him to live with you and drink. By throwing him out, you're not enabling him to be an alcoholic. in my humble opinion, you're actually helping him.

    I know how hard it is living with an alcoholic. Years ago, I had a SO who was an alcoholic. He wanted to get married and start a family. I loved him dearly, with all my heart, but I left him. I know this is different. Ant is your son. However, only Ant can change Ant!!!

    Please don't feel we're sick of hearing about your problems. We're here to help when we can or just provide a cyber shoulder to cry on...

    I know you're going through a very rough time. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that things will get better for you soon :angel:... I'm also keeping Ant in my thoughts and prayers :angel:... I pray he finds a better path to travel on... Sending cyber hugs. :flower: WFEN
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I am so sorry. You are absolutely, positively doing the right thing. Period.
    Change the locks in case you haven't already.
    I'm crossing my fingers and sending thoughts of strength and serenity.
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    ant came back a bit ago. he packed a lot of clothes and toiletries. (he has never packed before as he usually does not care about his stuff) he said he will never be back.(heard that so many times) I believe with all my heart that he will still be around the area and work with (ex??) boyfriend.

    he can find a place. He was quiet while packing. he left with the young girl. I just betcha her mom will let him stay there with them. they live alone in a big house. who knows? he can afford rent now even if he cannot get a lease.

    I am at peace with this decision. I had wanted him to move out two weeks ago but he could not find housing. I will not go back to the way we had it.

    as for Kaleb: we had a problem sunday with that as he was to stay another week. Ant insisted he go home sunday even though his mom was still in texas. so the poor dear ended up spending over 7 hours in a carseat, against my protests. ant had this young girl drive with him 3 hrs to drop kaleb with some galpal of his mom's. then the gal drove the baby all the way over to cleveland airport 2 plus hrs at 10pm to meet mom's flight then another 2 plus hrs back to his house at midnight. kaleb was n the car most of his day. I had asked ant not to do that to him, but he said it was his son, not mine. he also had said the F word then. I was too exhausted to say much more than that I would not put up with that. he said "well, I AM going to say it, that is how I talk".

    I need a break. I will never let ant live here again. he has had a start and has a job. he can work out his own rides. he is 23 and not respectful of me. his older brother said last night that he cannot go thru this stuff again either. He is going to be a lifelong alcoholic. someone else can live with that. I cannot. I love him but he needs to live elsewhere.
  7. Loris

    Loris New Member

    Janet, I am so sorry you are going through this with Ant. You shouldn't have to be subjected to that, nor do you deserve it. We seem to all travel a very painful road with our children. I think you made the right decision, although a very hard one. I hope things get better for you soon. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
  8. sameold sameold

    sameold sameold New Member

    I am so sorry for you. You are going thru a rough time. But I know how strong you are. You have been an inspriration to me, with how you have stood up to your ex husband and ant. I have learned from you how to detach from my own difficult child. Please know that I am thinking of you.

  9. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    Thanks for the update. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you made the right choice. Thankfully Kaleb is ok too. I pray that you get rest, and are feeling better soon. I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, even when it's a bad or hard thing. As you say, "God has a plan". Stay strong, and try to be positive. :flower:
  10. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>The whole spiral of difficult child world is exhausting. They get on track then they sabotage themselves. I'm sick of myself talking about difficult child so I'm sure my family and friends are sick of me talking about difficult child.
    Just get through one day at a time and hopefully something will click. He was better longer this time than last. It can give you hope. Hopefully the baby won't need to be around him until his brain snaps back to being a good dad. </span>
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, your strength is sure being tested, huh?!

    I for sure believe you should stick to your current thoughts of Ant never living with you again. It is time for Janet to stop helping others.
    It is all about you!
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. I think boyfriend's question explains the whole deal that has been going on this month. Nobody in their right mind wants
    to live like that...period. Sadly, your son and my son and lots
    of our sons are not in their right minds and we get sucked along.
    Hugs. DDD
  13. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator


    It is such a let down when they spiral downward.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> The whole spiral of difficult child world is exhausting.</div></div>


    And today I'm just flat sick to death of it and could just scream my lungs out.
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    to top it all off. boyfriend called my other son and said he is on his way to my house. ant had asked boyfriend if he could live there...boyfriend said no and wants to come talk to me.

    oh dear.
  15. judi

    judi Active Member

    Janet - I know how much you hate the drama. Am so sorry this didn't work out because I know you were so hopeful.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, poor Kaleb! I worry about him... this is the only real glitch.

    I think you're right about where difficult child will stay. It's kind of a no-brainer.
    Let's hope girlfriend's mom gets smart, fast.

    Stay strong.
  17. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    Oh sweetie! I'm so very sorry. :frown:
  18. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    I am sorry to hear about the resent events. You did the right thing don't doubt yourself.
  19. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Janet - you have stood by ant through so much. I agree with all the others that you are making the right decision. He needs to find his own place. Over the last few years I have read your posts and been awed at the strength you seem to find. You will make it through this. (((HUGS)))
  20. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Take this for what it is worth. I'm not the Mother of a difficult child that has done this, but I am a sister of a brother that reminds me of Ant. It took him until his early 30's to straighten up. And he was bad off. Living on the streets, drugging,stealing, and jail,,etc. After trying and trying to help him, I completely detached. It was his turn to show me. My poor Mom, how her heart must have ached all those years. But, he was an adult and it was his turn to step up and act like one.

    Honestly, Janet, enough is enough. You have done enough.

    My goodness, what you have done for him just since I have been on this board, alone. I can't even imagine how much you must be hurting right now with all the drama that has been happening in your life. I'm so sorry.

    However, Ant should be on his own. It's time. Talk, or no talk. You made very clear your rules. Now, he needs to live with the consequences.