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is there any way to recover positive feelings for difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 591575" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>KSM, you've already received some great advice from the others. I just want to add a few things:</p><p></p><p>1) Trust</p><p>I have this issue with my difficult child as well. He lies so often and so copiously that I don't believe anything he says without independent corroboration -- from a source that difficult child cannot influence. In other words, if difficult child could have planted the story with someone, I won't believe them either. It's sort of a "see it with my own eyes, or it's a lie" situation, and it has persisted for years. Occasionally difficult child will be telling the truth, and I'm wrong in my assumption of a lie. However, not being believed is difficult child's consequence for all the years of lying. It's likely that I will never regain trust in him, because he's untrustworthy.</p><p></p><p>At the moment, it sounds like your difficult child is in the same place. You'll save yourself a lot of bother and heartache if you just assume she's lying, and don't bother checking up on her to try and prove the lie. I know you want to believe her, and it's very difficult to accept when your child tells constant lies, but once you do accept it the heartache will ease somewhat.</p><p></p><p>2) Detachment</p><p>Your difficult child is currently in a place where she's not concerned about how her behaviour will affect you. She's shown that by her actions. So you need to get to a place where your difficult child's behaviour doesn't affect you. What I mean is, try to bolster yourself with other things. Do nice things for yourself and your husband, take care of you. Just don't pin your hopes on difficult child being "nice" to you unless she wants something from you. The ability to manipulate our emotions gives our difficult children a lot of power over us. If she can't wind you up anymore, then she loses a great deal of power over you. She will likely behave badly in any case. You can either be miserable or not, without reference to her behaviour. </p><p></p><p>3) Positive feelings.</p><p>Give it time. For years and years, I felt like I hated my difficult child. I couldn't look at him, could barely talk to him -- even on the phone, and couldn't stand to be in the same room for more than a minute or two at a time. He had caused such chaos in the family, and I resented it terribly. Over the years, as I've grown more detached and better able to deal with difficult child's episodes without getting emotionally entangled in them, our relationship has improved tremendously. I still don't trust him, I still won't give him money or do certain things for him that I do for the other children, but we get along the way a mother and son are supposed to.</p><p></p><p>Give yourself a break. Your difficult child has to understand that her bad choices come with negative consequences. One of those is the loss of a close relationship with you. Mending fences is in a large part up to her. Don't make it too easy on her. She has to understand the value of the relationship by its absence.</p><p></p><p>Sending many hugs. This is such a hard situation to be in.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 591575, member: 3907"] KSM, you've already received some great advice from the others. I just want to add a few things: 1) Trust I have this issue with my difficult child as well. He lies so often and so copiously that I don't believe anything he says without independent corroboration -- from a source that difficult child cannot influence. In other words, if difficult child could have planted the story with someone, I won't believe them either. It's sort of a "see it with my own eyes, or it's a lie" situation, and it has persisted for years. Occasionally difficult child will be telling the truth, and I'm wrong in my assumption of a lie. However, not being believed is difficult child's consequence for all the years of lying. It's likely that I will never regain trust in him, because he's untrustworthy. At the moment, it sounds like your difficult child is in the same place. You'll save yourself a lot of bother and heartache if you just assume she's lying, and don't bother checking up on her to try and prove the lie. I know you want to believe her, and it's very difficult to accept when your child tells constant lies, but once you do accept it the heartache will ease somewhat. 2) Detachment Your difficult child is currently in a place where she's not concerned about how her behaviour will affect you. She's shown that by her actions. So you need to get to a place where your difficult child's behaviour doesn't affect you. What I mean is, try to bolster yourself with other things. Do nice things for yourself and your husband, take care of you. Just don't pin your hopes on difficult child being "nice" to you unless she wants something from you. The ability to manipulate our emotions gives our difficult children a lot of power over us. If she can't wind you up anymore, then she loses a great deal of power over you. She will likely behave badly in any case. You can either be miserable or not, without reference to her behaviour. 3) Positive feelings. Give it time. For years and years, I felt like I hated my difficult child. I couldn't look at him, could barely talk to him -- even on the phone, and couldn't stand to be in the same room for more than a minute or two at a time. He had caused such chaos in the family, and I resented it terribly. Over the years, as I've grown more detached and better able to deal with difficult child's episodes without getting emotionally entangled in them, our relationship has improved tremendously. I still don't trust him, I still won't give him money or do certain things for him that I do for the other children, but we get along the way a mother and son are supposed to. Give yourself a break. Your difficult child has to understand that her bad choices come with negative consequences. One of those is the loss of a close relationship with you. Mending fences is in a large part up to her. Don't make it too easy on her. She has to understand the value of the relationship by its absence. Sending many hugs. This is such a hard situation to be in. Trinity [/QUOTE]
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