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is there any way to recover positive feelings for difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="mtridous" data-source="post: 592789" data-attributes="member: 16277"><p>Hi ksm,</p><p>I registered just so I could reply. Fifteen years ago, I'm sure my mother could have written the same post as you. I started getting bad grades, dyeing my hair, hanging out with "misfits", etc. I had terrible fights with my parents almost every day.</p><p>I have not spoken with my mother or father in years.</p><p>You put it best when you asked if the nose piercing was worth your relationship. Is it? </p><p>It sounds like you have emotionally abandoned your child because of what should be minor disagreements in the face of your love for her---getting out of bed in the morning on time, a piercing, doing poorly in school. Classic passing teenage issues.</p><p>I live on my own, graduated from college with honors, and have a steady job I go to every morning on time. (I also dress normally.) All the things you're worried about passed as I grew up. But I don't speak with my parents because I know they were willing to withdraw all support and love from me just because of the color of my hair. It hurt at the time and it hurts just as much now. They are nice, normal, middle-class people and I'm sure they thought they were doing the best thing at the time, but it taught me that my family only loved me circumstantially. I found my real family in my friends and will never trust my parents again.</p><p>Your daughter will only find more and more solace in "misfits" (and possibly drugs and alcohol) if you allow these small things to be more important than supporting her through a difficult time in her life, and letting her know you love her NO MATTER WHAT.</p><p>Not guilt-tripping her about how HER lies are ruining your relationship. You are the adult and you need to be the bigger person. If you don't like her anymore because she doesn't get out of bed in the morning and then lies about it, fine. If you can hear her crying out for your love and approval, and withhold it until she gets extra work from her professors, fine. But don't be surprised when she has hurt too much and doesn't ask for your love anymore.</p><p>And of course she lies. She lies because she is almost an adult, and wants to do things that you don't want her to do. She isn't a child anymore. She is supposed to be developing independence. Be the bigger person and let her know you love her or you will regret it one day.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mtridous, post: 592789, member: 16277"] Hi ksm, I registered just so I could reply. Fifteen years ago, I'm sure my mother could have written the same post as you. I started getting bad grades, dyeing my hair, hanging out with "misfits", etc. I had terrible fights with my parents almost every day. I have not spoken with my mother or father in years. You put it best when you asked if the nose piercing was worth your relationship. Is it? It sounds like you have emotionally abandoned your child because of what should be minor disagreements in the face of your love for her---getting out of bed in the morning on time, a piercing, doing poorly in school. Classic passing teenage issues. I live on my own, graduated from college with honors, and have a steady job I go to every morning on time. (I also dress normally.) All the things you're worried about passed as I grew up. But I don't speak with my parents because I know they were willing to withdraw all support and love from me just because of the color of my hair. It hurt at the time and it hurts just as much now. They are nice, normal, middle-class people and I'm sure they thought they were doing the best thing at the time, but it taught me that my family only loved me circumstantially. I found my real family in my friends and will never trust my parents again. Your daughter will only find more and more solace in "misfits" (and possibly drugs and alcohol) if you allow these small things to be more important than supporting her through a difficult time in her life, and letting her know you love her NO MATTER WHAT. Not guilt-tripping her about how HER lies are ruining your relationship. You are the adult and you need to be the bigger person. If you don't like her anymore because she doesn't get out of bed in the morning and then lies about it, fine. If you can hear her crying out for your love and approval, and withhold it until she gets extra work from her professors, fine. But don't be surprised when she has hurt too much and doesn't ask for your love anymore. And of course she lies. She lies because she is almost an adult, and wants to do things that you don't want her to do. She isn't a child anymore. She is supposed to be developing independence. Be the bigger person and let her know you love her or you will regret it one day. [/QUOTE]
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