Is there anything else I can do?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Feb 4, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I haven't posted about this, but reading karen's post has brought it back to life in my heart.

    Back when my difficult child was in the grouphome, I got a call from my mom for me to come over"now" for her to talk to me.

    When I got there she told me that my difficult child's ex-girlfriend was pregnant and my difficult child had called to let her know. Shock, confusion about why her called her and not me?

    Well, I went to the home of girlfriend. Her mom insited it was a rumor, she would'nt let me talk to girlfriend. She removed her from school and was homeschooling her, no one I knew could get in contact with her.

    During this time my difficult child runs away from grouphome and no one can find him. While searching for him I am also getting bits and pieces of different stories about the pregancy of ex-girlfriend.

    I find out that the baby was given up for adoption, I hit a deadend with info. I am told there is a window for biodad to refuse the adoption but it has closed. I have no rights and the adoption is sealed.

    The ex-girlfriend talked to my difficult child when he was in rehab. This was kept from her mother. She came to my house and assured me there was never a baby. Her and my difficult child planned this great reunion when he was released, she spoke of love etc.

    When my difficult child came home, he never saw her. I kept questioning him about her. I didn't understand after all the talking why she hadn't come over (she came and ate dinner with us often when difficult child was still in rehab)

    My difficult child finally told me that she lied to him. That he had talked with friends that saw her pregnant, even one that was at the hospital when she gave birth.

    I am just very torn with this, every door I tried to open was shut.

    I am not angry,I have worked through that. I understand her mom is just trying to do what is best for her daughter. I put myself in her shoes and if it was my easy child preg by someone's difficult child, I am not sure what I would tell the difficult child or his family.

    I just feel very cheated. I wanted the option of seeing my grandson. I may have wanted to raise him here with us. It is hard to go to shower's and to hold other's babies now. I have this nagging wondering in my heart if I have a grandson and if I do where is he?
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is one of the hard things about being the mother of sons. The girls have all the "choices". As the parent of a dtr if she gets pregnant...well you know its your grandchild! For a parent of a boy, you may have to wait 9 months and then longer for DNA to come thru to tell you if it is your grand child.

    I can only imagine how hard this is for you but there is nothing you can do at this point. Well you probably could but it would cost a ton of money and your difficult child would have to hire a lawyer and claim he didnt know he was a father and just found out and was denied the right to sign away his rights...blah blah. Then would you want to uproot a child who is now securely placed with a family where he has bonded? Would you want to risk the upheaval that your son could bring into this childs life?

    If it were me, I would maybe attempt to find out the birthday of the child and do something quiet for myself every year if that would make you feel better. Im sure you will have more grandkids in time.

    I dont know if I made a lick of
  3. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    yes Janet you did make sense.

    I have already spoken with a couple of attorneys. The records are sealed. I have hit a deadend with everything I have tried.

    If my info is correct, she had a boy the end of dec. or beginning of jan. so the baby is now a year old. And no I wouldn't want to take him from the only parents he has known, yet I would like to be in his life at some level.

    My easy child's v-ball games are in the city that the baby is supposed to be in. When we travel there I catch myself wondering about every baby I see.

    I know every adoption is different and I have no experience in that area, yet I do know couples that have adopted and the birth mom and grandparents are welcome for visits.

    I am just sad that I cannot share in his life. Sometimes I imagine the milestones in his life he is reaching (sitting up, crawling, walking )and I wish I could experience it.
    I don't want to sound selfish, just that I wonder alot how he is.
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Not sure if there is anything I can say to you at this point to make you feel any better, because I have such mixed emotions about my difficult child and his baby. Just wanted you to know I saw your post and I'm thinking about you.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I guess all you can do now is picture in your mind the happy little boy in a very good home. You know...there is always the possibility that the baby wasnt your sons. That could be why this was done this way. Just tossing that out.

    You will always have that niggling doubt. This will make your future grandchildren all the more precious.
  6. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Many {{{hugs}}}, I'm sorry you are going through this.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I have been in your shoes. When my easy child was 17 he got his girlfriend pregnant. Her stepmom had been my best friend growing up---we had known each other since we were born---had grown up across the street---it was a your home is my home---no knock needed kind of relationship between the stepmom's family and mine. Stepmom and I had gone our seperate ways, but still spoke and were on good terms. Instead of telling me---they sent girlfriend (who was a difficult child) to her mom a state away. She was forbidden to tell easy child. Her mom made her have an abortion---no choice. Her mom---who I had never met----called me a month later, drunk, and told me that my son had gotten her daughter pregnant---what was I going to do? I told her that we would be supportive of the child. She then told me there was no longer a child---and hung up. I called back and the girlfriend answered the phone. She was hysterical. She ended up in a pysch hospital a few days later. She (the girlfriend) remained in touch with easy child and I over the years. The next time she got pregnant (no by my easy child) she came to live with me and my family. She is the foster daughter listed below.
  8. judi

    judi Active Member

    I am also the mother of sons. My son's son was born in November 06. The ex-girlfriend and I and her parents (with whom she lives) are all cordial. We can have our grandson pretty much whenever I want. I am more than willing and able to raise him. The x-girlfriend has an older child who is 3 1/2 years old and that is the reason that the x-girlfriend won't let us take the baby. She would ask too many questions. I am in agreement with this. We buy diapers and clothes for the baby and basically take financial responsibility for him. My son (baby's dad) isn't working and isn't looking too hard either. When he does come over, he is attentive to the child, changes him, feeds him and plays with him but after about 4-5 hours, he is ready to say goodbye.

    I am embarassed to tears with my son's attitude. This girl and her family have been very generaous with the baby and letting us take him.

    It is very frustrating.
  9. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Hearthope, I don't know exactly how you feel, but I have had to mourn the loss of a grandchild, too. My difficult child chose to have an abortion 3 years ago. I was very much against it, even though the father was a difficult child heroin-addict. husband signed the papers and accompanied her to the abortion clinic. I wanted no part in it, felt like it was murdering an innocent baby. My husband and I separated not too long after that.

    I have forgiven them both (I've also asked difficult child to forgive me...I do respect that it was her choice, not mine, on whether or not to have a baby). husband and I have reconciled. But still, tears run down my face as I write this. I will always feel the loss of that grandbaby.
  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I know this is a painful subject and sorry it has brought up old pain.

    Look at me, my mom knows and the teens around here that know the girlfriend and my difficult child, but the baby is a yr old and this is the first time I have been able to say outloud I have a grandbaby, but I don't know where he is.

    I guess I just needed to be able to hear what you all thought.
    It has lingered in my mind since I responded to Karen's post about the test.

    Katmom you are commending for being there for your foster daughter. In talking with my difficult child's exgf I asked her why she didn't come to me? We were close when they were together. She is really the only girl my son has ever really cared for. She just denied there was ever a baby. I feel so sorry for her I can't imagine having to claim I was never pregnant.

    AliceLee and Katmom I am sorry for both of your losses, you two do understand how I feel. It just helps us all in someway get the strength to bear these things knowing that someone has survived it.

    Janet my difficult child told me that he believed 100% the baby was his. I went through all of the you don't know where she was 24 hrs a day thing and he assured me of her love for him and he knew the baby was his.

    Thank you all, I know what ever it is I am hit with from my difficult child, if I only post here about it, someone else has survived the same ordeal. and I will make it through my life with a difficult child
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hearthope, I am so sorry for your pain. I can only imagine your grief and anguish over not even being given the opportunity to see your grandson.

    I am a mother of two adopted children whose adoption records are sealed. In the case of my boys it was for the best. I adopted them both after they had been with me as fosters. But even though my easy child's mother was schizophrenic with many many hospitalizations over her lifetime, when she was not ill she was a good person. I had her child from the hospital until he was 4 and a half before she surrendered him so I could adopt him. The judge said that she and bio dad were to have no contact until easy child was 18 and then only at easy child's initiation.

    I have thought of her many many times over the years. At every one of easy child 2's major events and accomplishments I have held a thought for her. I have always wanted to let her know how much I love her son and how much I love her for allowing me to raise him. I still would not have wanted her in my son's life because of the chaos she wold have caused him but I would want her to know he was well and happy and very very loved.

    I am only telling you this in the hope that you can find some peace in knowing that these are common feelings among adoptive parents. Your grandchild will be loved. He will be cherished and his adoptive parents will likely bless his bio-family and hold a place for them in thier prayers. -RM
  12. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thank you RM for shedding light from the otherside. It means alot to know your feelings for bio-family, I hope he was placed in such a caring family
  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    perhaps when the child is older he will seek out his birth family.

    just an aside: I begged ant and danielle to give up Kaleb for adoption. I would have raised him but I knew they would always interfere. I felt it best he had a good home. instead he has two parents who will never be together, his mom has him a lot and he is left with anyone all the time...anyone who will have him. then again she will not let ant have full custody because kaleb is her ticket to HUD housing, welfare and not working. ugh!

    it seems there is no easy answer.

    HUGS for your hurting heart.