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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 764672" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My circumstances are similar. I met my son when he was 22 mos. old. First, he was a foster-adopt child, until I could formally adopt him after parental rights were terminated.</p><p></p><p>He had a background similar to your daughter. I was a single Mom. We had a relatively easy time until his later teens and then when it was time to grow up, he never did. I never factored in that he would not successfully launch. He was a good child and we had a great relationship.</p><p></p><p>He has been homeless for the past 10 or 12 years. And using substances. He is not the person I raised. I have had a great deal of heartbreak. </p><p></p><p>I came here to this forum about 8 years ago. It has helped me immeasurably. My son and I are still in each other's lives. While I pray that my son will change, I no longer expect it. More than this, I know I have no control whatsoever in helping or even supporting his change. It is entirely up to him. The wanting has to come from him.</p><p></p><p>Now. Your situation is somewhat more complicated because of your daughter's age but not entirely so.</p><p></p><p>If your daughter had her first year away from you I think it's reasonable to think she had trauma, as did my son. I wouldn't go right off the bat to nature/nurture. But that is just me.</p><p></p><p>What is unclear is whether your daughter was given a psychiatric diagnosis when she was hospitalized, and what it is. 'I am unclear too whether you're a single Mom or you're sharing the responsibility of parenting.</p><p></p><p>This is a one-step-at-a-time situation. And if your experience is anything like mine, you're the afflicted person too. All of your feelings are appropriate and normal. It's not your fault. You have a right to feel betrayed. You have a right to want your home to be safe and your haven. You have a right to be afraid of what comes next.</p><p></p><p>I think you are best served by staying in the present. What I mean by that is to stay neutral. Don't get out ahead of reality. We really don't know what will happen next. A behavioral consultant can help you. With the kind of background your daughter has, was she adopted through the system? If so there are funds to pay for her to get specialized help. A behavioral consultant will work with her and you to tighten up her behavior through strict boundaries and behavioral contingencies. Your daughter needs a great deal of structure and you need support.</p><p></p><p>If your daughter has a psychiatric diagnosis there is a good chance that the school district will have to help, using an IEP. Beginning in 7th grade my son was able to go to a specialized private school for free and he was transported there. The school district paid.</p><p>But we're not there yet.</p><p></p><p>I really think your daughter's acting out stems not from wanting to act badly or go to the dark side, but internal confusion and suffering that she does not know how to handle. Adoption alone can be very hard on kids. Add to it, deprivation or loss as an infant, and it's a real mess.</p><p></p><p>You are not expected to handle this yourself. some professionals can pick up the slack. And if she cannot rein it in in your home, it may be that she will require an out of home, setting. How did she do in the psychiatric hospital?</p><p></p><p>Anyway, I am glad you found us. At this point most of us here are mothers, and most of the people here have been here as long or longer than I have. We have suffered with and supported each other. I hope we can ease your suffering a bit. Please be kind to yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 764672, member: 18958"] My circumstances are similar. I met my son when he was 22 mos. old. First, he was a foster-adopt child, until I could formally adopt him after parental rights were terminated. He had a background similar to your daughter. I was a single Mom. We had a relatively easy time until his later teens and then when it was time to grow up, he never did. I never factored in that he would not successfully launch. He was a good child and we had a great relationship. He has been homeless for the past 10 or 12 years. And using substances. He is not the person I raised. I have had a great deal of heartbreak. I came here to this forum about 8 years ago. It has helped me immeasurably. My son and I are still in each other's lives. While I pray that my son will change, I no longer expect it. More than this, I know I have no control whatsoever in helping or even supporting his change. It is entirely up to him. The wanting has to come from him. Now. Your situation is somewhat more complicated because of your daughter's age but not entirely so. If your daughter had her first year away from you I think it's reasonable to think she had trauma, as did my son. I wouldn't go right off the bat to nature/nurture. But that is just me. What is unclear is whether your daughter was given a psychiatric diagnosis when she was hospitalized, and what it is. 'I am unclear too whether you're a single Mom or you're sharing the responsibility of parenting. This is a one-step-at-a-time situation. And if your experience is anything like mine, you're the afflicted person too. All of your feelings are appropriate and normal. It's not your fault. You have a right to feel betrayed. You have a right to want your home to be safe and your haven. You have a right to be afraid of what comes next. I think you are best served by staying in the present. What I mean by that is to stay neutral. Don't get out ahead of reality. We really don't know what will happen next. A behavioral consultant can help you. With the kind of background your daughter has, was she adopted through the system? If so there are funds to pay for her to get specialized help. A behavioral consultant will work with her and you to tighten up her behavior through strict boundaries and behavioral contingencies. Your daughter needs a great deal of structure and you need support. If your daughter has a psychiatric diagnosis there is a good chance that the school district will have to help, using an IEP. Beginning in 7th grade my son was able to go to a specialized private school for free and he was transported there. The school district paid. But we're not there yet. I really think your daughter's acting out stems not from wanting to act badly or go to the dark side, but internal confusion and suffering that she does not know how to handle. Adoption alone can be very hard on kids. Add to it, deprivation or loss as an infant, and it's a real mess. You are not expected to handle this yourself. some professionals can pick up the slack. And if she cannot rein it in in your home, it may be that she will require an out of home, setting. How did she do in the psychiatric hospital? Anyway, I am glad you found us. At this point most of us here are mothers, and most of the people here have been here as long or longer than I have. We have suffered with and supported each other. I hope we can ease your suffering a bit. Please be kind to yourself. [/QUOTE]
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