Is this the right place?

[aninom]

Hello,
I hope I am not offending. I am not a parent, but this feels like the right forum for my situation. I have, and have only partially grown up with, an extremely, extremely troubled older sister who will be coming to stay with me for six months (against my will, but that is par for the course). Extreme - physical, violent - aggression, alcohol abuse, and manipulative behavior are the main issues.

She is 6 years older than me, but parent/child roles have ended up very inverted in my family. I will probably end up supporting her financially, and want to keep her away from trouble as much as I can.

My mom and I have done the best we could to support her and each other, and still do, but I am now alone and in a foreign country. My sister has many friends (of the not-so-good kind) here. She says she has a job, but from what I've now heard, I gather this is a lie. I do not have a support network myself.

I want to be able to deal with this - with my sister - without having it escalate to the point it has in the past, or worrying my mother in any way. Keeping my internship (it is until June, and crucial for my finishing college), not going crazy, and surviving in one piece is just a bonus.

She is too old to be considered a teenager anymore, but I do not exaggerate when I say she emotionally is. I know that I will have to set boundaries and be consistent in my behavior from day one, or it will quickly escalate into her being violent against me, herself, any material object in her way, at the slightest perceived provocation (not having her dinner ready in time; looking directly at her; etc). I also know I will need help to stand my ground.

I understand if this forum isn't geared towards me and my situation, so please delete this post if it is out of place. Let me just say that I recognize so, so much from the threads I've read here. I think it would help keep me sane to know I'm not the only one that knows how much terror an unbalanced kid in the family can cause. It's not exactly something one can discuss with the neighbor, either: it's like a can of worms hidden in your heart. My admiration goes out to all of you, no matter what kind of can you are struggling with. I know the toll it takes.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

aninom,

you certainly have the right to be here if you are providing care and love to a difficult child!

What diagnosis does your sister carry? Does she take any medications?

How is it that you, doing an intern, are providing a home for your sister?

Wishing you welcome and support!

Sharon

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there.

Actually you DO belong here, but the best forum for you would be Parent Emeritus, where everyone is dealing with adults (although they all seem like they never grew up).

My initial feeling is, why do you feel you have to take care of her? If she is over 18 and making poor choices, nobody should enable her and she should suffer the consequences of her behavior. Why on earth do you feel you have to take care of her in any way? Because people make you feel guilty?

You do not help a drug addict by making sure they have a roof over their heads. They need to hit rock bottom or they will never stop their behavior. I recommend you go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon in advance of her visit to have real people telling you about their experiences. I suspect most will tell you not to take her in, no matter how much "the family" wants you to do it.

I'd go to Parent Emeritus to talk to more parents with adult children.

Welcome to the board!!!

 

[aninom]

aninom,

you certainly have the right to be here if you are providing care and love to a difficult child!

Thank you so much! Just being able to share makes me that little bit calmer.

What diagnosis does your sister carry? Does she take any medications?

"Antisocial personality disorder", last thing I heard (I haven't lived with my family for a very long time due to the situation that developed at home, but I talk to my mom every day). She's not on any medications or any therapeutic course anymore, being 30 by now, but she has been in and out of that whole rigmarole including forced institutionalization before.

She seems a bit better at retaining friendships, and has so far not dropped out or disregarded her current try at school, too much anyway. We're crossing our fingers in that regard. The rest of her symptoms however, especially her behavior towards us closest to her (because she knows we will forgive her, won't file charges, give her money anyway etc) hasn't changed at all.

She can be extremely charming and agreeable, but this usually lasts for 2, 3 hours at the beginning of the visit, if I haven't seen her in a long time (I think she goes into "charming a stranger" mode). It quickly escalates into the usual repertoire of behavior, though.

How is it that you, doing an intern, are providing a home for your sister?

Good question (bitter? Not me!).

Our family had to escape a conflict in our home country. My sister visits this country regularly still, and I am now here myself to regain the language while I do my internship. We have access to an apartment.

When she heard I would be staying here for the spring, she got it in her head to do the same. She would be coming here mainly to party it up with her friends - which she has many of here - while having an "internship" herself. I know she would never want to / be able to actually procure, even less hold down, a job, here. She seems to implicitly acknowledge this herself, seeing as how she has been demanding I give her my cell number and then, when her professors from school call, pretend to be the secretary of some mid-size NGO ("tell them 'she is a fantastic worker, we love having her, she for sure has a job with us and she is great...'" - she had a script ready for me and everything. I refused).

As for her actually paying for her own basic maintenance, all of her money coming from 20% student loan and 80% mom anyway, well...

This would be such a disaster, if she chose to continue here throughout spring, especially with zero job prospects: she'd get stuck in that party-party-violence spiral again, drop out of school again. We've seen it too many times before. And she is still just as "what, me?" about it as the previos 12 times. She has close to zero self-awareness, and explodes if you imply she is taking a wrong turn again: to her mind, she has never screwed up anything, and she will blankly deny ever having had any issues or episodes.

I want to have a strategy for when she comes here in winter. I want to know the magic words, and the magic way of saying those magic words, to convince her to find a job, and preferrably elsewhere - she just has no, NO brakes whatsoever when it comes to family, and that is extremely unhealthy for both of us. I've already found her some possibilities, but the question is how to present them, and I'm not sure she even wants any. The issue is actually just bringing it up in the first place - her actually listening, her actually listening without exploding, her exploding without it having the effect of setting her behavior back even more.

Sorry for the rant! I'm just at a loss for what the best way to deal with this is. I do know that whatever strategy I develop, I have to stick to from day one, hour one.

 

[TerriH]

Does she have a diagnosis?

With triggers like having dinner late and making eye contact, it sounds like there is a bio-chemical problem going on there.

 

[aninom]

Hi there.

Actually you DO belong here, but the best forum for you would be Parent Emeritus, where everyone is dealing with adults (although they all seem like they never grew up).

Amen. How do you move the topic? Or do I just start a new one in the right forum?

My initial feeling is, why do you feel you have to take care of her? If she is over 18 and making poor choices, nobody should enable her and she should suffer the consequences of her behavior. Why on earth do you feel you have to take care of her in any way? Because people make you feel guilty?

I agree. I think us continuing to support her unconditionally is only having the opposite effect in the end. My mom ended up paying for her flight here, knowing it was a bad idea - I think she feels the point at which she could say 'no' to anything is long past, and she is probably scared of retribution if she did (she, let's call her M, would just scramble together money for a flight to my parents instead and proceed to take her righteous anger out at them and their property). But it is done, and I can't physically stop her from entering the apartment, and I can't call the police until she gets physical.

Me, mom, and dad always coordinate our vacation to be here, and she comes briefly every summer: it always ends up the same way. The year before last my dad actually almost filed a restraining order, but somehow it feels like this would only escalate things. The police here are not geared towards this kind of situation, either.

You do not help a drug addict by making sure they have a roof over their heads. They need to hit rock bottom or they will never stop their behavior. I recommend you go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon in advance of her visit to have real people telling you about their experiences. I suspect most will tell you not to take her in, no matter how much "the family" wants you to do it.

I know, I know. Part of me actually wants her to crash and burn, so to speak, just to realize she can't go on like this. Our parents won't always be there. She has to understand that SHE needs to change.

My family doesn't want me to do it at all. My mom wants me to find another apartment that she'll help finance, for as long as M is here. It feels good to have that option but at the same time I don't want to strain their economy in this way, especially if I can figure out a way to get M to change her mind. She already has a big apartment of her own in the country where she is studying - she says an abusive boyfriend made her sign up for it before he bolted - and mom is effectively already paying for that, already. M would still be paying for that place, despite being here.

It just made no sense for her to leave the city of her school, until I just found out via facebook that it's probably everything to do with an ex that is here. So another mark against this being good for her in any way.

Welcome to the board!!!

Thank you so much!

 

[JJJ]

Welcome Aninom!

Welcome to our little corner of the world! This is the General Board and everyone is welcome here We also have a board called Parent Emeritus which is a little subgroup of our families (which includes anyone impacted by caregiving a difficult child) whose children are 18 and older.

Is this your home? your mom's home?

 

[TerryJ2]

Aninom, welcome! Yes, this is the right place!
Oh, you poor thing.
You've already gotten some great advice.
You do not have to do this, with-your sister. There are other courses of action.
How much time do you have?

 

[aninom]

Oh, by late dinner and eye contact, I meant more that she gets upset if everything is not exactly the way she wants it to be; if we take her to a restaurant, she will explode into a harangue on what a terrible mother she has that won't cook for her - if dinner is made for her, she will say that it tastes terrible, we don't love her, it's cold and served too late, why do we hate her, are we trying to poison her etc. Same thing with any kind of "look" she doesn't like, as in, "what does THAT look mean? why are you looking at me like that?" It takes so little. It's like holding your breath on tippy-toe anytime you are around her.

Is this your home? your mom's home?

It's my parents apartment, they are planning to move back to this country when they retire. It's technically not completely ours yet which is why it's even more of an issue when she breaks things. Last year, we got a hysterical call from her about how the living room furniture mom had selected was terrible, horrible, she's a retard with no taste, all her friends will think we are poor (well, we ARE), etc. She then proceeded to quite creatively "redecorate".

She usually takes my parents' room - if we are all here together, we end up sleeping on the couches and mattresses (ridiculous, I know, but mom insists it's just less fuss to fold and in the moment it's hard to disagree) - but there is an extra bedroom that I've now gotten a bed for. I have a key for it, at least.

The picture I'm painting may seem pretty bleak, but she's not just this evil dictator. When she has a good day, and she does sometimes, she truly is a lovely person, smart, funny, charming. It's the other 99% of the time that is hard.

I've tried being pliant, confrontative, reason with her, talk about what really is the reason she explodes, be supportive, be completely blank. Nothing seems to work, but I know that SOMETHING has to, I've just never tried anything long and consistently enough for it to pay off.

 

[mstang67chic]

Welcome! You've definately found the right place.

As for your question about moving your post, the easiest thing would be to simply start a new one but put a link to this one in it so you don't have to retype the entire history and answers to everyone's questions.

If you can't talk your sister out of moving in with you, I would lay down the law right from the start. Rules, expectations, etc. Make sure there are very clear consequences and stick to them. If the apartment isn't soley in your name, get written permission from the owner/leaseholder to say who can and can't live there so you have the authority to kick her out if need be. If it comes to that, be prepared to change the locks. Let the building manager and/or neighbors know that she isn't to be there and have that form somewhere safe so she can't get to it. If she gets violent, be prepared to call the police. They may not be equipped to handle situations like hers but you can request that they transport her to a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. Sister or not, diagnosis or not, she does not have the right to get physical with you. It's YOUR apartment (for all intents and purposes), YOUR body and keeping yourself safe is the priority. Another thought if this happens...if you are still relearning the language and the police may not speak fluent English, you may want to write/type something out in that language explaining the situation and what you want done. This way, if things get out of hand and you are incapacitated or too stressed to explain things well in that language, you have something right there. You may also want to check into how things are done there if a psychiatric evaluation/admission is needed.

Welcome again. Things may be slow around here for the next couple of days as it's Thanksgiving but you WILL get more replies.

 

[mstang67chic]

I've tried being pliant, confrontative, reason with her, talk about what really is the reason she explodes, be supportive, be completely blank. Nothing seems to work, but I know that SOMETHING has to, I've just never tried anything long and consistently enough for it to pay off.

Yep, you're right. SOMETHING has to work. But....it's not up to you or your parents. It's up to HER. My son is similar in that he wants everything his way and doesn't understand why HE should follow the same rules that everyone else does. Don't we get that HE'S special??? Don't we understand that HE'S different? It sounds like you and your family have done quite a lot. She's a grown adult and needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her. There are rules and expectations for everyone, herself included. If she CHOOSES to not follow those rules, there are consequences. As long as she is tip toed around and given in to, she will never get it. My advice is to first, let her know what is expected and what the consequences will be. After that, go on with your life. If she is having a good day, great! Enjoy your time with the sister you love and know is in there. If she's not, follow through with the consequences just as you would anyone else. That's not saying that you need to watch her and wait for her to do something wrong, just go on with daily things. If she does something that is against the rules, whether they are your rules or society's rules, THEN you respond in a calm and factual manner. If her diagnosis is one that she actually needs medications and/or therapy, then SHE is the one who needs to do it. You can't do it for her legally and it won't help her anyway if you do. SHE has to do it. Someone else made the comparison to someone who is an addict of some sort. You can't MAKE them stop. You can offer to help and be there for them during the process but it's up to that person to do it. Detachment, while difficult and painful sometimes, is a wonderful thing. Once you realize it's up to that person, a lot of the stress and negativity really eases up. Somewhere on this board, is a post of detachment based responses when someone is having a rant....kind of like the one your sister had over the decor. It's things to say and do so you don't get drawn into the drama and helps to put things back on the other person. "I'm sorry you feel that way", "That must be upsetting to you", "I'm sure you'll figure something out", etc. Someone I'm sure will post a link to it but you might look in either the General or Watercooler archives.

You sound like a wonderful person who loves and wants to help her sister. And while you can be there for her and encourage her, SHE is the one who has to take the steps and follow through. This place is not only a great source of information but also of advice, support and friendship. The advice and info here can be about education laws, legal advice and such but also how to deal with the difficult child's in our lives while keeping ourselves intact mentally and emotionally. It really is a soft place to land. (Just watch out for the attack donkeys and sporks! LOL Stick around and you'll figure that out )

 

[klmno]

I, too, would recommend Alanon- or a type of alanon that is geared toward adult children of alcoholics (I realize she's an older sister, not the parent) or something that will be more a group for young adults, like yourself. Try looking on your campus.

 

[totoro]

Hi I wanted to welcome you also!
You are a wonderful person for what you are doing for your family.

As a person who has so much Mental Illness and addiction in my family including, personality disorders. Some have pulled it together and function OK. Some never did.
Some function but should have serious medications and therapy but refuse.

All of my family have refused help except me. They have done it on their own or not on their own.
But I would have never taken help from my family.
Some Mentally Ill people need to find stability on there own. Unless they are completely unable to deal with reality or non-functioning in society. Then I agree that most need to go out on their own and struggle a bit.
Knowing that they have family, if they choose to help themselves is key. But they have to struggle and figure things out for themselves and learn how to ask for help.
If she would go to therapy she could learn how to control her moods with the possible addition of medications as well.
Mental Illness is not an excuse, it is just a part of who she is.

Glad you found us

 

[rlsnights]

In essence, I have been where you stand. I have a brother who is Antisocial personality and who manipulated and controlled my parents through verbal abuse, threats of violence and actual violence for many years. He was verbally and physically abusive to me when we were teens. My parents could not accept the truth about my brother and allowed him to be abusive to his siblings too. They did not have the ability to move past their pain to stand up to my brother even to protect their other children.

So my advice comes from painful personal experience that may or may not fit your situation. Take what is helpful and leave the rest because my advice will be hard to take. It can be boiled down to one word: leave.

Frankly, it is not your problem that your parents have failed to set appropriate boundaries with your sister - apparently for her whole life. It is THEIR problem. So it is not your concern that they will have to pay for several homes for this adult woman who happens to be your sister. If they choose to do so, then that is their choice.

It robs all of the family for them to givie her money and places to live. This is unfortunate but it is their choice. They have given up - perhaps out of fear but to give in to her out of fear is to encourage more violence and abuse at her hands. I can completely understand why they have done this but it is their duty as parents to protect their other children and it doesn't sound like they have done so.

It is a complicated situation and my thought is - if at all possible you need to find another place to live. DO NOT tell your sister or your parents where you are living. They can have your phone number and that's it. If your parents, knowing your sister's willingness to abuse you and the property, still expect you to share a home with her I would say that it is your responsibility to say no in the only way left to you - by leaving and cutting yourself off from them for now.

You have a responsibility to take care of yourself - not your sister and not your parents. If you don't you are continuing to engage in the patterns that have been set within the family so far. You are set on a path to success and you are right to fear your sister's ability to take you down with her in flames.

You are particularly vulnerable living in a foreign country where you are not fluent in the language and are a dependent student and she is an older "adult" in the eyes of the world. If she chooses to blame you for some problem or you are living in the same place where drugs are being used/sold then you are tainted by association. What defense do you have if she says YOU are the one who bought the drugs or damaged the building?

Given her age, your description, your parents continuing engagement and your own lack of a position of authority (after all - what can you do to really enforce any rules in this kind of situation?) I would not even begin to try to give you advice on what to say or do to avoid problems. I'm sorry if I am discouraging but I do not believe you CAN avoid problems and ultimately violence at the hands of your sister. Your goals are anathema to her. She will destroy you just because she can and will see nothing wrong with what she has done.

If you have done any reading on antisocial personality disorder you know that she essentially has no conscience. She is incapable of caring about the havoc she wreaks or the damage she may cause emotionally or physically. She may indeed benefit from psychiatric treatment but she has had the benefit of that in the past and apparently has chosen to discontinue treatment. At 30 she is highly unlikely to change until she is jailed or in some other way is truly faced with no other choice.

So abandon ship is my best advice. Leave her to sink or swim on her own. Take the life boat and do not look back since to take her aboard would swamp you both.

I know your parents will not understand. I know you will feel guilty. I know other family members may be angry. But they have not stood up for you to someone who will destroy everyone who supports her - eventually. Perhaps you will inspire other family members to accept the need to let your sister bear the natural consequences that go with the choices she is making.

peace and strength for your journey.

 

[aninom]

So my advice comes from painful personal experience that may or may not fit your situation. Take what is helpful and leave the rest because my advice will be hard to take. It can be boiled down to one word: leave.

Yes. Yes. And I did leave, to live with my grandmother, in my very early teens. I still feel guilty about it, since I could act as a buffer between her and my parents much of the time, but in the end I know it was the right and the sane thing to do. I am still considering it an option for the coming months, depending on how the stretch december-january goes. My heart is completely with you: it's not just the physical abuse that leaves a scar, but every insult, every manipulation hurts for years afterwards. Did your brother ever change? How old is he now?

If your parents, knowing your sister's willingness to abuse you and the property, still expect you to share a home with her I would say that it is your responsibility to say no in the only way left to you - by leaving and cutting yourself off from them for now.

No, no, they don't expect me to at all. My mom told me flat-out I needed to get another place, but I'm hesitant to do something that drastic before I know all other options are exhausted, i.e. I'm hoping I can change her mind about staying the full six months, I'm hoping something else will catch her fancy. The one positive is that she is extremely impulsive - one fight with this ex-boyfriend that called her here, or some party back at her school, will have her bouncing out the door in three seconds.

You are particularly vulnerable living in a foreign country where you are not fluent in the language and are a dependent student and she is an older "adult" in the eyes of the world.
[...]I'm sorry if I am discouraging but I do not believe you CAN avoid problems and ultimately violence at the hands of your sister. Your goals are anathema to her. She will destroy you just because she can and will see nothing wrong with what she has done.

You are more right than you know. Those times the police or social services have had to be called, and this was in a economically and politically sound country, she's almost always been able to turn the tables - lying about abuse of the worst kind, using the "my parents are religious fundamentalists/alcoholics/insane/incestuous" card.

I'm definitely past being idealistic enough to think I can change her. She can't even admit there is a problem, and will physically punch, throw boiling water at, scratch, etc at you IMMEDIATELY if you suggest her behavior is not acceptable (sadly, she does not see the irony of this).

And I KNOW that, sooner or later, things will escalate to that point. I just feel such a relief that I have somewhere I can vent out all this worry and be taken seriously, and that at least here I can actually work out a strategy for what to do and how to behave when this DOES happen. Ideally I can figure something out to prevent the situation from getting to the point where I would have to call in outside help, which, as you say, might have little effect other than enraging her further.

She may indeed benefit from psychiatric treatment but she has had the benefit of that in the past and apparently has chosen to discontinue treatment. At 30 she is highly unlikely to change until she is jailed or in some other way is truly faced with no other choice.

My mom feels this way too, she's given up completely on setting boundaries or discussing the issue. I sort of sympathize with this - please don't think my parents just rolled over from the beginning, or left me to blow in the wind. They have tried everything and anything, and are left with chronic stomach ulcers, shaking hands, depression. There is only so much you can do when she absolutely refuses to confront her own behavior.

I just got off the phone with my mom: she called to reiterate my having to get another place, but also said my grandmother insists on coming down at least over december. This is good, since her just being present tends to take the edge off the worst of the physical hands-on violence. But bad, since I don't think it's right for her to be a buffer for my sake, especially since I'm younger and hope I can cope with it better nerve-wise than grandma should be expected to.

And! Turns out mom actually didn't willingly pay for the flight - M lied to her about the money going to emergency rent payment. Obviously mom didn't buy it 100%, but just in case there really was an emergency which does frequently happen since M still doesn't know how to pay her rent by herself, she went ahead and transferred the funds. So there you go. Conned for the gazillionth time.

mstang and others, thank you so much for the kind responses! I agree that there needs to be very clear expectations and ground rules from the very start. I need to find it in me to be firm. Then there's also the issue of how to set them: any, ANY, allusion to her bad behavior quite literally makes her go berserk in the worst way. I talked this over with my mom and she wanted me not to even try. When I insisted on it being the only shot, she suggested I put it very mildly and in a public place - I see the need for a public place, just for safety's sake, but how effective can it be if it is perceived as just a suggestion? "Oh, and if you please would not injure me the next time you lose your hair clip, that would be swell"...

My strategy so far:
1. Lay down the expectations from the beginning, at the airport, before we are at the apartment. Couch it in terms of "this is what I expect from all my roommates" - I hope this will make it seem less personal, not referencing her personal history, which she seems to blank erase as soon as an "episode" is over. Y

ou try and reference any past behavior, she explodes - I know it's cowardly but I just can't confront her in terms of "It can't happen again" or "I tell you not to yell, destroy things, or be violent because these are behaviors I have seen before".

2. Mom reminded me that we have relatives which I've just started to know, and that M has hung out with and sometimes used before. There is especially one awesome family M also likes - this is a good thing, since with people she hasn't "blown her cover" with, she is obsessed with retaining a good image of herself.

As part of the ground rules, I will tell her that if any serious aggression takes place, I WILL call this relative and tell him what the situation is and to please help me get away from the apartment.

We have had to do this with other friends/relatives, and it has worked on occassion - she storms out rather than "blowing her cover" were they to arrive at the house and see the situation for themselves. Hopefully just the threat is enough to keep the worst behavior at bay.

3. What do I do about the small stuff? If she steals and/or destroys material things, organizes huge parties until 5AM, yells and so on. How much do I sweat it - it is extremely frustrating and demoralizing, but at the same time, having a confrontation over every such instance will make her REALLY explode that much sooner. And I don't have it in me to have volcanic fights every day after work.

Do I make a big deal out of any such behavior as part of the ground-rules-plan? Do I point it out neutrally? I know the key here is to remain calm, but I don't know how to phrase my requests/admonishments.

4. Neighbors: they know she comes every summer, and they know the subsequent noise very, very well. Both those next-door and the floor below us have complained and straight-out asked us what's going on. I've never seen them myself, but I'm planning to be on the lookout for an opportunity to let them get to know me - this way, any serious "episode", I can ask the next-door neighbor for help.

The whole building knows who "that girl" is, and were it to come to calling the police, being able to have my neighbor call on his own behalf would both deflect some of her anger off me (I can claim that I didn't personally want to call them) and also make sure the police take it seriously. I would REALLY it not get to this point, though.

Does this sound reasonable? What have been your own strategies in the past, what has worked, what hasn't?

 

[tictoc]

Hi,
Welcome. It sounds like you don't want to take your mom's offer of another apartment right now and that you are trying to lay the groundwork to make things work in the one apartment. You are a compassionate and caring person.

However...If this does not work, and it probably won't, GO! Take the other apartment. Here is my perspective, coming from a family with major addiction and enabling issues: Run, run, run. Save yourself.

You are young, sound very mature and wise, and have your whole life ahead of you. But, you only get to be in college once. You only get once chance to have a fabulous experience in another country (even if it is your home country), doing an internship, and getting a trial run at adulthood. This is YOUR chance to have fun. It sounds like you have spent a lot of your life not getting to think about you. So, do it now.

Your sister is an adult and must learn to help herself. If she is unable, you must let your parents offer a solution...and, for you, that solution is to move to a different apartment.

Do not let your sister sabotage your internship year. You worked hard to get where you are and you deserve to enjoy it.

But, that is just my opinion. You, of course, must do what is right for you. So, whatever you decide, keep coming her and let us offer you some support.

Good luck.

 

[rlsnights]

My brother did not change. He had to be threatened with grand theft auto by my mother's attorney when he took my father's car and all his tools against my mother's wishes the day after he died.

He is now 51.

Leave. You cannot save her you can only save yourself. If she is willing to throw boiling water at you she is willing to seriously injure or even kill you on impulse.

You were raised in a home where abuse occurred - no matter that it was your sister handing it out. You must understand the effect this has on the children in the home. You are used to it and have learned to accept it. You are left with a lifelong feeling that somehow you could or should be able to fix it. Perhaps you even feel that it is somehow your fault. You may be telling yourself "it's only 2 months" but 2 days would be enough to give her the opportunity to injure or destroy your future.

And to have your grandmother come because she is afraid to leave you on your own with your sister? What if your sister hurts her - what if she is seriously injured or killed? How will you feel then?

You are putting yourself into danger. You have years of evidence that she willingly abuses others. What more will it take for you to see that you cannot fix her?

 

[totoro]

last time i saw my Father, who is Psychotic and has a Personality Disorder he threatened to kill me and my Husband. He has killed before. We were stuck out in the middle of nowhere in a foreign country with no transportation and my 2 kids.
I was "trying" to give him one more chance after years of "knowing better".

I will never be near that man again with my kids, I will never be alone with that man again without protection. I have no clue what would ever cause me to actually ever see him again.
Sometimes it is difficult but even though we are related to these people we have to step away for awhile or forever.
You are a good person regardless of your choice.

 

[flutterby]

I'm very sorry for your situation. However, and I know you're aware of this, your sister controls your entire family.

Frankly, it needs to stop and it can stop now by not letting her stay with you. She will be away from her parents (I'm a little confused about if your parents are in the same country as you, and if you're in your home country or a foreign country), so she won't be able to manipulate them as easily. Your parents need to flat out refuse to take her calls if she's abusive verbally or physically. And, frankly, if she can scrounge up the money without a job to buy a plane ticket like you mentioned earlier, she can figure out how to make it on her own. It's just that no one has forced her.

Yes, she's mentally ill. Yes, she has ASPD. But, she's also 30 years old, does know right from wrong (people with ASPD do know that...they just don't care) and is responsible for her actions.

I know you love your sister and this will be hard. But, it's the only way you are ever going to have any peace.

(((hugs)))

 

[mstang67chic]

After reading more from you, I'm in agreement. Leave. Run. Get out. Do whatever you have to do to distance yourself. Yes, she's your sister and yes you love her. BUT....she's not above extreme violence at the drop of a hat and you DO NOT deserve that! She's an ADULT and it's not your responsibility to run interference for her or to be a buffer. Your only responsibility is keeping yourself safe. What reason is there for drastically altering your own lifestyle just to ensure your own safety in your own home???

I know she's family and you love her but would you put up with this if it was another person in the apartment building? The fact that she's family shouldn't be a reason to put yourself at risk. If you had advertised for a roomate and wound up with someone who acted like this, what would you do? If you're telling yourself, "Well, that's different. Those people wouldn't be family"....WHy? What's different? Because someone is related to you is reason to endure abuse? Nope. You can love your sister from a distance but you can't stay safe up close. Don't let her stay or get another place. She's an ADULT! Her issues are just that.....HERS. Your issues are living your life in a sane and SAFE manner. And by living your life without allowing her to affect it isn't selfish or uncaring. It's realizing that as an adult, it's HER responsibility to conduct herself in a manner that doesn't result in violence or injuries. You can only do so much for a person and I think you reached that point long ago. It's time to do things for YOU now.

One of the ladies here has a quote on her signature that says something like "If you continue to do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got." Roughly translated.....if you keep doing the same old thing, it's never going to change. You've done all you can. It's time to live your own life now.