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is wondering if I should change
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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 438547" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>I can't tell from your post if you are already doing this so forgive me if this is been there done that too.</p><p></p><p>I found I had to always "Inspect what you Expect". Every single time.</p><p></p><p>I have to give the illusion of choices and control if possible.</p><p></p><p>AND I have to pay a lot of attention to what I say, how I say it and what he is doing. I cannot just tell him what to do and then leave him on his own. And he's 15 while yours is 7 so I suspect your expectations may be somewhat unrealistic on that front.</p><p></p><p>Here's what has worked fairly well for us when difficult child 2 is stable and to a lesser degree when he's unstable.</p><p></p><p>If you have a kitchen timer then use it to help both of you stay on track. If not then get one or use the one on the stove or your phone.</p><p></p><p>You say "You have 2 options. 1 - you pick up the army guys by the time the timer goes off and put them away neatly in this box (or whatever). or 2 - you pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper by the time the timer goes off."</p><p></p><p>Given that he is only 7 you do not leave him alone while he does his job. Instead you stay and do something different at the same time. If he chooses to pick up the army guys, then you could pick up the dirty clothes or make the bed or whatever. The main point is to get him to cooperate and do what you tell him so don't get hung up on the fact that you will be doing some of his work. You need to get him into the habit of doing what you say, when you say and within the time frame that you give him. </p><p></p><p>Do not comment on how well he is doing the job, whether he missed some or if he is running out of time. Instead you wait for him to tell you that he is finished.</p><p></p><p>When he says he is done - then you stop and carefully inspect his job. He will not have done a good job. You do not yell, plead, scold, lecture or argue. You calmly tell him that you know he can do a better job and that he knows what you meant (if he claims he doesn't know what you want). Then you give him 2 options again -</p><p></p><p>"The house rule is that we do our chores before we get to play or go places. You have 2 options - pick up the army guys now or miss your friend's party. which do you choose?"</p><p></p><p>Staying calm is very important. Do NOT argue - all this does is teach them to argue (boy do I wish I had figured that out when my twins were 5). You state your position (chores before play) and the choices the kid has (chores or no party) simply and clearly without emotion. And when he doesn't do the chore - then you must follow through and refuse to let him go to the party.</p><p></p><p>keep the jobs small while you are working on this and if you are able to get him to cooperate on small tasks then gradually increase the difficulty or size of the job.</p><p></p><p>If you are called away and he leaves without doing a good job you must go get him and make him come back and finish the job. If he makes a scene and refuses then you must have a plan ready for that with your 2 options for him to choose between (you may take a shower to calm down or you may play tether ball to calm down). The bottom line is that he does what YOU tell him to do even if it means it takes you all day to get him to pick up the army guys or to do what you consider an acceptable alternative task - including getting or keeping himself under good emotional control. </p><p></p><p>Be sure to acknowledge when he is able to use his words or show even small signs of emotional control where before he would have exploded. I don't exactly praise my son. After all this is something we expect as to happen as part of their development. It would be odd to praise him lavishly for using soap to wash his hands - same idea. but you want to acknowledge his efforts. I do that by saying things kind of casually like "Thanks for letting me know how you feel." or "I liked the way you handled that." or "You made some good choices today bud."</p><p></p><p>It is time consuming and a huge pain but it will get better if you are consistent and persistent and always inspect. Realistically if you take this approach with him for several weeks maybe even 3 months you will see consistent changes - assuming he's able to learn to do this. You and husband have to be on the same page and do the same thing - or at least confer if you're going to do something different. Otherwise it will take a lot longer because he will try to do end runs or work on the one who blows up until they do and then in a bizarre way the heat is off of him to control himself.</p><p></p><p>You are probably hoping that it will happen a lot faster because this is going to take all your time and attention. Your husband for sure is going to want to quit long before then.</p><p></p><p>But, if he's anything like my difficult child, your difficult child will not learn to do this stuff any other way and at the end of 3 months you will either have a kid who has made progress in learning to obey you - or you will have the same thing you have now. Either way you will all be 3 months older. It's hard when you've had a easy child that was easy to train and could be left to work independently. Your difficult child is not made that way and you have to adapt your parenting to take that into account.</p><p></p><p>Good luck.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 438547, member: 11920"] I can't tell from your post if you are already doing this so forgive me if this is been there done that too. I found I had to always "Inspect what you Expect". Every single time. I have to give the illusion of choices and control if possible. AND I have to pay a lot of attention to what I say, how I say it and what he is doing. I cannot just tell him what to do and then leave him on his own. And he's 15 while yours is 7 so I suspect your expectations may be somewhat unrealistic on that front. Here's what has worked fairly well for us when difficult child 2 is stable and to a lesser degree when he's unstable. If you have a kitchen timer then use it to help both of you stay on track. If not then get one or use the one on the stove or your phone. You say "You have 2 options. 1 - you pick up the army guys by the time the timer goes off and put them away neatly in this box (or whatever). or 2 - you pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper by the time the timer goes off." Given that he is only 7 you do not leave him alone while he does his job. Instead you stay and do something different at the same time. If he chooses to pick up the army guys, then you could pick up the dirty clothes or make the bed or whatever. The main point is to get him to cooperate and do what you tell him so don't get hung up on the fact that you will be doing some of his work. You need to get him into the habit of doing what you say, when you say and within the time frame that you give him. Do not comment on how well he is doing the job, whether he missed some or if he is running out of time. Instead you wait for him to tell you that he is finished. When he says he is done - then you stop and carefully inspect his job. He will not have done a good job. You do not yell, plead, scold, lecture or argue. You calmly tell him that you know he can do a better job and that he knows what you meant (if he claims he doesn't know what you want). Then you give him 2 options again - "The house rule is that we do our chores before we get to play or go places. You have 2 options - pick up the army guys now or miss your friend's party. which do you choose?" Staying calm is very important. Do NOT argue - all this does is teach them to argue (boy do I wish I had figured that out when my twins were 5). You state your position (chores before play) and the choices the kid has (chores or no party) simply and clearly without emotion. And when he doesn't do the chore - then you must follow through and refuse to let him go to the party. keep the jobs small while you are working on this and if you are able to get him to cooperate on small tasks then gradually increase the difficulty or size of the job. If you are called away and he leaves without doing a good job you must go get him and make him come back and finish the job. If he makes a scene and refuses then you must have a plan ready for that with your 2 options for him to choose between (you may take a shower to calm down or you may play tether ball to calm down). The bottom line is that he does what YOU tell him to do even if it means it takes you all day to get him to pick up the army guys or to do what you consider an acceptable alternative task - including getting or keeping himself under good emotional control. Be sure to acknowledge when he is able to use his words or show even small signs of emotional control where before he would have exploded. I don't exactly praise my son. After all this is something we expect as to happen as part of their development. It would be odd to praise him lavishly for using soap to wash his hands - same idea. but you want to acknowledge his efforts. I do that by saying things kind of casually like "Thanks for letting me know how you feel." or "I liked the way you handled that." or "You made some good choices today bud." It is time consuming and a huge pain but it will get better if you are consistent and persistent and always inspect. Realistically if you take this approach with him for several weeks maybe even 3 months you will see consistent changes - assuming he's able to learn to do this. You and husband have to be on the same page and do the same thing - or at least confer if you're going to do something different. Otherwise it will take a lot longer because he will try to do end runs or work on the one who blows up until they do and then in a bizarre way the heat is off of him to control himself. You are probably hoping that it will happen a lot faster because this is going to take all your time and attention. Your husband for sure is going to want to quit long before then. But, if he's anything like my difficult child, your difficult child will not learn to do this stuff any other way and at the end of 3 months you will either have a kid who has made progress in learning to obey you - or you will have the same thing you have now. Either way you will all be 3 months older. It's hard when you've had a easy child that was easy to train and could be left to work independently. Your difficult child is not made that way and you have to adapt your parenting to take that into account. Good luck. [/QUOTE]
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