Isn't it sad

[kadyr]

My it sounds like home here. Not that I'm not sorry for us all, but it would be nice not to feel alone...

My 18 year old son is sweet, funny, completely unmotivated and lies to a terrifying degree. He is loving and helps around the house, but he has no consciencous and no fear of or problem with punishment. His father is not in the picture...in fact, they haven't spoken in 2 years. He was domineering and violent...I thought I would try a different route with my son, and my son loves me (whatever that means to a teen) for it, but it's killing me. I have worked hard my whole life and am now on my second heart attack.

His grades were honor role until his junior year...for two years now I've put him off at the front door and he takes off out the back. After my second coronary, in February, I finally allowed him to quit school and take his final three classes on line, which I monitor constantly to make sure he does. He has no concept of money...once he was given a present of $500. I put it in the bank for him and he went into overdraft within 2 days...he bought a watch and an amazing amount of fast food. He refuses to get a job...well, he doesn't REFUSE but he doesn't get one. He tells me each week how many applications he turned in...ha ha ha. I've had three instances within a year of jewelry missing...family herlooms the last two times. I cannot carry cash into the house. There doesn't seem to be a lock he can't will open. Every nice present I've ever given him...Ipods, game systems, etc... end up "getting stolen from his truck". Last week I found the THIRD speeding ticket that he has hidden and forgotten about...another failure to appear.

He admits he smokes pot occasionally, but I have found no evidence of other drugs...and I prowl whenever I can work up the courage. He passes the drug tests I give him, but has winked about how easy they are to pass.

And he absolutely REFUSES to admit any of it. I've even called the police when the jewerly turns up missing...they can't do anything. I could accuse him, but I can't prove it.

I flinch when the phone rings. I'm afraid to check my email. I hide in my house...or maybe I'm just trying to defend it. I'm becoming more and more paranoid and last weekend I blew through a stop sign that I've stopped at a thousand times before, I was so preoccupied. I know all of you know how it feels to walk into work or go out with friends who seem to have "good" children. I'm always trying to figure out what to do (we've tried FOUR therapists) and the stress is horrible.

I have now given him two months to finish his diploma and move out of the house. He has a trust fund which I guess I cannot stop him from taking, as I had nothing to do with it and he is 18, but I fully expect him to blow through it in a few weeks. He's very excited about being on his own...this the child who cannot follow a mapquest to his doctor's appointments.

He's my only child. All my family lives in another state. And I feel like the most pathetic loser on the planet. I'll be more miserable when he goes, worrying.

A little support would be greatly appreciated...

 

[maril]

Hi, kadyr. What a tremendous amount of stress! Your health is at risk and I hope you have good medical care.

Hopefully, things will improve for you, once your son moves out. I feel your pain and frustration and know it is hard to stand back and let our young adults live with the consequences of their actions. Good luck to you.

 

[DDD]

I don't know if you have been "lurking" for some time or if you are totally new to the site. It really is a comfort to be able to read posts (including old ones) from loving,intelligent, sane adults who are living a life they never ever expected to have. It doesn't make everything "all right" but it is a reassurance that you're still sane! Sending you a big hug in hopes it will help.

If you can enforce your son's education completion requirement with the excitement of his trust fund and freedom motivating him...go for it. It is not "how it's suppose to be" but he will not go back and finish his school on his own. No way.

As a working single parent you sound like you have done a dynamite job of trying to enforce the rules and detach from the unacceptable behaviors. Many of our single parents are unable to stand up to the stress of a teen difficult child since they have no in home backup. Way To Go!

Keep posting as often as you want to help vent your stress and hopefully get some support, too. Make it clear that when "he goes" "he's gone". Have the locks changed on the doors. Protection put on the windows and do not answer the phone every time he calls. It is important to protect yourself from the stress AND it is important for him to realize that he is not going on a vacation....he is going out into the world as a man who is responsible for himself.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

These are my honest thoughts as the mother of an ex-drug user who thought her daughter was only drinking (a little) and smoking pot.

Your son's behavior is of somebody doing a lot more than pot. Kids don't usually steal, drop out of school, and have no conscience because of pot, but they can if they dabble in more serious drugs.

You have had two heart attacks. That is serious. You deserve some peace of mind and a peaceful life. It sounds sadly like your son may have inherited some of your ex's personality problems and temperament. From what I've lived t hrough, I would tell you to join narc-anon. Trust me, it's not just pot. If he knows the ins and outs of tests, he certainly is at least probably snorting stuff from over the counter (and, by the way, it can kill you). But he could also be dabbling in cocaine or speed. My daughter was and we didn't know it either. Maybe he isn't, but I doubt it. We didn't find any indication of anything other than pot either, but now that our daughter is clean she told us just how heavily she was into drugs.

I think you should give stick to the deadline. He cleans up or leaves. If not, you may not be alive to help hiim in case he DOES want to clean up his act one day. Make friends and find your own interests. I am not near family either, but I am amazed and heartened to find friends who can substitute for family. In fact, my family isn't that great--the friends are better. There are potential friends everywhere! Go out and live your own life. You deserve it.

Your son is self-destructing and taking you with him. Go to narc-anon and don't let him pull you down with him.

That's my advice and my daughter would agree with it. We talk about drugs a lot. She has been clean now for seven years and is in college (finally). Drug users are very clever and very deceitful. Please don't let him pull the wool over your eyes...or jeopardize your health.

 

[recovering doormat]

I can't think of anything to add to what Midwest Mom just wrote: take care of yourself first, detach, do what you can to protect yourself. He is 18 and legally, responsible for himself. I hope he will move out of your home so you can get a little respite. Then the hard part will be for you to actually let him be, and let him feel the natural consequences of his actions. I am just beginning to be able to do that with my 19 and 16 year old teens, and they have had serious emotional and behavioral problems for at least the past six years. I've done every kind of intervention, read books, attended parenting classes, had DCF (CPS in some states) offer me services, you name it, I did it, to help my kids, but now I'm burnt out, like you.

You have come to the right place. When you have some time I would recommend that you read some of the older posts in his particular forum and the Parent Emeritus forum intended for parents of difficult child's over age 18. Things do change when their legal status changes upon their 18th birthday and it's good to know where you stand.

Good luck, and keep coming back to vent. I've always had someone send me a kind word no matter what I've written. People with better adjusted kids just cannot understand what we go through, so there's no point beating yourself up because your girlfriend's kid is going to a good college in September and yours may be headed for either rehab or court. Everyone has their private pain, and sometimes the kids who were perfect in adolescence turn out to be thirtysomethings with big chips on their shoulders and a lot of failed adult relationships.

But please take care of your physical and mental health first. I'll be 50 at my next birthday, am morbidly obese and on medications for cholesterol and high blood pressure, so I can kind of relate to your concerns. I worry about having a heart attack or stroke and not being there for my kids, and leaving them with their dad, who is a piece of work.

 

[lovemysons]

Hello Kadyr,

Just another here wanting you to know you are certainly not alone. Both of my sons are alcoholic/drug addicts. They have left the drugs alone for some time now...alcohol is still a problem. Lying and stealing definitely signs of drug use.

I agree with the others that there is likely more drug use than pot going on with your son. I know you said you've tried therapists but have you ever gone to an Al Anon meeting for yourself...so that you can learn how to detach and take good care of number one. There are lots of other parents going through the exact same thing...good people too ya know. Moms and dads who have worked their rear ends off to provide well and do their very best with their children and still end up with a drug abusing child. It does happen to the best of us.

It's gotta be tough too with this being your only child...I'm an only child and I was no easy task for my mother to deal with as a teen either. I also had no dad. With that being said...YOU are a very important person in your son's life...could be alot of codependent behaviors going on too. Again, I highly recommend Al Anon as a live support group.

I'm glad you're reaching out...Please take good care of yourself.

Listening and caring,
Tammy