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Isolation and misunderstanding
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 436603" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>There is FAR more going on here than just a boy upset because a much younger child was mean and rude to him and his mother got upset. I do think that pushing a 4yo and a 9yo together all day to play is a very bad idea. They are just so far apart developmentally that problems were almost destined to happen. For shorter periods like a few hours is one thing, but not for an entire day. 9yo kids are not old enough to be CAPABLE of not taking your 4yo's behavior personally. They are at their own developmental stage and NOT mature enough to see that a younger child is tired and acting/reacting normally. </p><p></p><p>A GIANT part of today's issue is the alcoholic disease in the other family. I have no idea how much you know about alcoholism. It is a disease that everyone in a family gets, not just the drinker. I know there are those who believe that people in Europe are genetically unable to be alcoholics because alcohol, and esp wine, have been such a huge part of the culture for so many years that their dna has changed. I do not believe it and I don't think many people do. The complaints about your parenting upsetting the other boy, and that your son is going to be a major problem as an older child or adult stem largely from their own problems. The boy's sensitivity is due to the father and so is the mother's. They do not even know how sick they are with this disease, nor do they know how it is affecting every facet of their lives. the intolerance of the note and the criticism because your parenting is different than hers is probably partly cultural and largely a reaction because they finally have a target they can unload their problems onto. I am not great at dissecting why this letter so very much screams codependent and enabling behavior that comes from being in a family with-an alcoholic, but it does very much. It just reminds me of things I saw/heard/experienced growing up. </p><p></p><p>Once again, consider the source and weigh any and all criticism in the light of what is known about alcoholics. The mother probably has a parent or sibling with alcoholism and her actions are ingrained from early childhood most likely. Those with an alcoholic parent or sibling seem drawn to others who are either alcoholics or have an alcoholic int he family. Trust me, I know from personal experience (gfgbro is a recovering alcoholic and husband's dad and mom both are in various stages of it, so neither of us drinks much and we have attended many an al anon meeting to learn to handle this stuff).</p><p></p><p>In many ways the mom lashed out at you with-o compassion because she wanted to lash out at her husband but does not feel safe (not sure if it is physically unsafe, but she definitely feels it is emotionally unsafe) to say things like this to her husband. You are a "safe" target because so what if you get mad? And her husband may be angry because the boy was unhappy so the mom had to do something or his anger might turn on her, Know what I mean?? </p><p></p><p>It was nice of you to watch the boy, and I just realized that she is a single parent. What I said about her husband applies even more as he is now her ex-husband. She would feel even more unsafe telling him off. And he would be mroe likely to go off on her and rant and rave about how awful she is as a mom that she let her son go to your home for the day. </p><p></p><p>Sorry it was such a rough day.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 436603, member: 1233"] There is FAR more going on here than just a boy upset because a much younger child was mean and rude to him and his mother got upset. I do think that pushing a 4yo and a 9yo together all day to play is a very bad idea. They are just so far apart developmentally that problems were almost destined to happen. For shorter periods like a few hours is one thing, but not for an entire day. 9yo kids are not old enough to be CAPABLE of not taking your 4yo's behavior personally. They are at their own developmental stage and NOT mature enough to see that a younger child is tired and acting/reacting normally. A GIANT part of today's issue is the alcoholic disease in the other family. I have no idea how much you know about alcoholism. It is a disease that everyone in a family gets, not just the drinker. I know there are those who believe that people in Europe are genetically unable to be alcoholics because alcohol, and esp wine, have been such a huge part of the culture for so many years that their dna has changed. I do not believe it and I don't think many people do. The complaints about your parenting upsetting the other boy, and that your son is going to be a major problem as an older child or adult stem largely from their own problems. The boy's sensitivity is due to the father and so is the mother's. They do not even know how sick they are with this disease, nor do they know how it is affecting every facet of their lives. the intolerance of the note and the criticism because your parenting is different than hers is probably partly cultural and largely a reaction because they finally have a target they can unload their problems onto. I am not great at dissecting why this letter so very much screams codependent and enabling behavior that comes from being in a family with-an alcoholic, but it does very much. It just reminds me of things I saw/heard/experienced growing up. Once again, consider the source and weigh any and all criticism in the light of what is known about alcoholics. The mother probably has a parent or sibling with alcoholism and her actions are ingrained from early childhood most likely. Those with an alcoholic parent or sibling seem drawn to others who are either alcoholics or have an alcoholic int he family. Trust me, I know from personal experience (gfgbro is a recovering alcoholic and husband's dad and mom both are in various stages of it, so neither of us drinks much and we have attended many an al anon meeting to learn to handle this stuff). In many ways the mom lashed out at you with-o compassion because she wanted to lash out at her husband but does not feel safe (not sure if it is physically unsafe, but she definitely feels it is emotionally unsafe) to say things like this to her husband. You are a "safe" target because so what if you get mad? And her husband may be angry because the boy was unhappy so the mom had to do something or his anger might turn on her, Know what I mean?? It was nice of you to watch the boy, and I just realized that she is a single parent. What I said about her husband applies even more as he is now her ex-husband. She would feel even more unsafe telling him off. And he would be mroe likely to go off on her and rant and rave about how awful she is as a mom that she let her son go to your home for the day. Sorry it was such a rough day. [/QUOTE]
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