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Isolation and misunderstanding
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 436617" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Thanks Susiestar. There is of course a lot in what you say, based on your experience. I too have a brother who is very much an EX-alcoholic (about 12 years sober) and I have been to a few AA meetings with him so I understand a little of these dynamics.</p><p>I feel that I have misrepresented my friend's letter, not deliberately of course. The trouble with internet as a means of communication - or any communication, come to that... In fact her tone wasn't really blaiming or accusatory - she is fairly blunt and outspoken but that is just her style generally. She left her ex-partner (they weren't married I think) about a year ago because she could not live with or accept the alcoholism. She feels disgusted with and contemptous of his behaviour but the relationship seems somewhat complicated in that he still lives in a house she owns (he pays no rent) and she occasionally says things like she feels compassion for him. Normally the boy goes to stay with him at the weekend but this weekend there had been a scene when she dropped him off at the house with her ex-partner screaming and shouting at her with outrageous insults, the boy crying and refusing to go with him. That is why my friend was stuck for childcare when she had to work on Sunday...</p><p>At first I took the whole thing as being to do with Jacob, which is MY point of vulnerability and paranoia. And there's no doubt J was more impulsive and brutal in his language than most other kids of his age would be. But then I also feel the strength of the other boy's reaction was to do with what had just happened with his father - understandably. I have said all this to my friend. Apparently he has been exposed since babyhood to his father's insults and verbal abuse towards his mother... my friend does seem to dismiss it rather. That said, she is certainly more authoritative than I am and I can see it would be helpful in certain situations. </p><p>The boy's reaction to me when J started behaving rudely towards me was interesting... he had been happy, outgoing and open with me - from then on he was closed and contemptuous. Again, it's all about his dad, really. My friend said afterwards that he had been intensely angry and upset about what Jacob had "done" but really it seems that there's much more going on than just J's behaviour because a stronger kid would have been more impervious to it, I think.</p><p>My friend is not the first to have said to me that I will have problems with J later because I am not "tough" enough with him!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 436617, member: 11227"] Thanks Susiestar. There is of course a lot in what you say, based on your experience. I too have a brother who is very much an EX-alcoholic (about 12 years sober) and I have been to a few AA meetings with him so I understand a little of these dynamics. I feel that I have misrepresented my friend's letter, not deliberately of course. The trouble with internet as a means of communication - or any communication, come to that... In fact her tone wasn't really blaiming or accusatory - she is fairly blunt and outspoken but that is just her style generally. She left her ex-partner (they weren't married I think) about a year ago because she could not live with or accept the alcoholism. She feels disgusted with and contemptous of his behaviour but the relationship seems somewhat complicated in that he still lives in a house she owns (he pays no rent) and she occasionally says things like she feels compassion for him. Normally the boy goes to stay with him at the weekend but this weekend there had been a scene when she dropped him off at the house with her ex-partner screaming and shouting at her with outrageous insults, the boy crying and refusing to go with him. That is why my friend was stuck for childcare when she had to work on Sunday... At first I took the whole thing as being to do with Jacob, which is MY point of vulnerability and paranoia. And there's no doubt J was more impulsive and brutal in his language than most other kids of his age would be. But then I also feel the strength of the other boy's reaction was to do with what had just happened with his father - understandably. I have said all this to my friend. Apparently he has been exposed since babyhood to his father's insults and verbal abuse towards his mother... my friend does seem to dismiss it rather. That said, she is certainly more authoritative than I am and I can see it would be helpful in certain situations. The boy's reaction to me when J started behaving rudely towards me was interesting... he had been happy, outgoing and open with me - from then on he was closed and contemptuous. Again, it's all about his dad, really. My friend said afterwards that he had been intensely angry and upset about what Jacob had "done" but really it seems that there's much more going on than just J's behaviour because a stronger kid would have been more impervious to it, I think. My friend is not the first to have said to me that I will have problems with J later because I am not "tough" enough with him!! [/QUOTE]
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