It has been awhile since I have been on

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by fallen angel, Feb 15, 2007.

  1. fallen angel

    fallen angel New Member

    Well hello everyone...welcome anyone new...This site has gotten me through some rough times. It has been awhile since I have been on...just trying to get by day by day...

    so for the update..my oldest difficult child has been working part time steadly..he has a girlfriend now for a year, driving, and completed his first semester of college...I believe the girlfriend has been a postive influence..has been clean..still has some anger issues now and then which hopefully he will learn to control or it could mean some real trouble for him..but all in all he is doing good....

    my younger difficult child is comming along....he is getting better at going to school but will see if he will graduate this year...has been working pt for a month now...still on probation but has not made much of attempt to do his community service..this will come back to bite him eventually....they random drug test him once and guess he came out clean since we haven't heard anything..they must of caught him on a good week..but I believe he is cleaning up his act that way..who knows...

    You think you know them and what they are doing but you really don't..all trust is gone and takes along time to rebuild....funny how they move on with their lives and we are stuck living in fear and find it hard to move on with them....I guess when you are hurt enough both emotional, physical and fincial you become damaged...guess you can say I am having a rough week and needed a place to land...thanks for being there...
     
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Hello FA-Welcome back. It is really difficult to begin to trust again when you have been disappointed time and time again. My difficult child visited this weekend for the first time since he left for recovery, and I still panic just thinking about what we went through with him last year. I think that they have to prove, little by little, that they are changing. I take it one day at a time---okay, he stayed clean today. I don't hope for tomorrow yet. It's still a day to day thing. It probably will be for a long time. I know that husband got clean five years ago---and there are still nights I wake up and have to make sure he is still in the house. The support that I have gotten here has helped me make it through. I realize that I can't control anything anyone else does---just my reactions to their actions. That helps. It takes the pressure off of me to "do" anything. It helps me to still love them, warts and all. It has taken me years to get to this place, but it was well worth the journey. Read up on detachment and co-dependency. Placing the responsibility of their lives on their shoulders frees yours up to carry your own burdens.
     
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    It takes a long long time to trust again. My difficult child has been clean and living in a soberhouse going on 5 months now and I still panic if I see him calling at an odd time, or if I don't hear from him for a few days. Kind of makes you wonder when and if the old feelings ever really do go away.

    Sounds like things are moving along for your two. Hopefully your youngest will get his but in gear and do the community service, but if not, he'll have to suffer the consequences. Glad to hear oldest has a girlfriend who's a good influence. I hope that for mine one day!!
     
  4. TYLERFAN

    TYLERFAN New Member

    Welcome back!
    Your right about trust....so hard to rebuild. Not a good feeling.
    All you can really do is pray for them and make a life for yourself.
    I hope your difficult child's improve and that they start to regain your trust at some point.
    It's so hard!

    Blessings,
    Melissa
     
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    welcome home, honey. grab a chair and a cuppa. let's talk. trust is something they lost. it is something they have to earn back. they will never be perfect. their lifestyle is so different than most, they know too much...lol


    for ant and I it is not so much a matter of trust anymore. yes, I have trusted him in my home again, yes I trust my car to be in the garage and I am not there and he will not dare steal it again.

    but no I willnever completely let down my guard. ant is an addict. there is no cure. they can have long and even lifetimes of sobriety and be drug free. but you and I are never as innocent as when they were babies and we were so much in control.

    som eof it is post traumatic stree syndrome. for a long time I would waken inthe night thinking the doorbell was ringing with bad news. why? because for about 5 yrs in a row...it was. I also notice I have seperation anxiety at times. why? because of being abandoned in scarey places by my ex.

    I am getting better about it. having a loving boyfriend helps. part of it is that they train us to be wiser about them and not so naive.

    i have learned to ignore ant. he has to work to live with me. we have a relationship that is 1000X better, BUT (you kow dang well there is always a but)...I will never ever be the same trusting pollyanna I was.

    older, wiser, more seasoned. that is me. In a lot of ways it is better than the quivering mass of human I used to be. God helps.
     
  6. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Lord knows I want to trust....completely. I cannot. I've always got one eye open. I guess that's the way it will be for a while. Sad really.
     
  7. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Hi and welcome back.

    Trust? No, I don't think we ever truly regain the trust. My son has been drug free now (knocking on wood here) for quite some time. I no longer sleep with credit cards and keys, and yes, I do trust him to a point ... but fully trust or don't worry when I see a police car coming up our street? No. I don't think I'll ever fully get there. If it's late and he's not home and the phone rings, my heart skips a beat. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach - has he been arrested? Has something happened? As time goes on, I've gotten better, but I don't think I'll ever totally shake the feeling.

    Hugs,
    Deb
     
  8. TYLERFAN

    TYLERFAN New Member

    Your so right Deb. It's really disconcerting, but I also have been evaluating the trust issue and have come to realize I may never trust difficult child fully. I don't think it is possible anymore.
    I also don't sleep with my valuables anymore, but I do go to bed hoping and praying that the darn phone won't ring at 3am.....
    It's still scary for me, too.

    Blessings,
    Melissa
     
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