Childofmine
one day at a time
Weary, you are in one of the toughest periods of time. It's a phase that many of us have gone through, and I would define it as this: I started stopping, he didn't like it AT ALL, and he ramped up, hoping I would crumble.
And guess what? I did crumble, many, many times, before I was strong enough not to crumble.
My son's addiction was driving the bus. His addiction told him this: Get what you want, get it the easiest possible way, and get it now.
I had taught him that I was the softest touch. For years and years. We would go round and round with me saying No, and setting down rules, and consequences, and spending enormous amounts of time and energy, and in the end I would cave. I had a full life and lots of stresses, and HIS SINGLE JOB IN LIFE was to break me down so he could get what he wanted.
I was no match.
But I learned. I learned the hard, hard way, of giving in so many times, and then finally, realizing NOTHING was any better, and I was a wreck, and he was getting exactly what he wanted, and I knew something HAD to change, and that wasn't going to be him, so it had to be me.
And then I started a daily practice, and I developed a support system (this board is one tool in my system), and I started reading books like Boundaries and CoDependent No More, and I bought every single Al-Anon book written, and I went to lots of Al-Anon meetings, and I got a sponsor and started doing what she told me to do, and I set physical boundaries with him about visits, coming to my house, the phone, email, texts.....and little by little I started getting stronger and being able to say No.
Physical distance and space so you can regain yourself is a great first step. I had some recovery under my belt from my divorce from my ex-husband who is a recovering alcoholic. During that time I went to Al-Anon for about 18 months, but I soon stopped when I mistakenly thought that since he wasn't here anymore I didn't need Al-Anon anymore. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I still had a lot of work to do on me, but I didn't know it and I couldn't hear it at the time.
Where you are today is one of the toughest spots. Saying no when they cry and beg is really hard. Saying no when they curse us is a little easier, quite frankly. Our anger is protection for us. It is an energizing emotion. Grief, deep grief, is the opposite. We have to feel both of those emotions, when they come, and we have to let them have their time with us.
You will come through this. It's about progress, not perfection. There is no "you are wrong" here. We are all on our own journeys.
Go away with your dear husband, and work hard to enjoy every single minute of it. Start by breathing. Just breathe. You have likely been holding your breath for a long, long time.
It's time for you. It's time for you to come first for a change. Claim it, and enjoy some time apart from this.
And guess what? I did crumble, many, many times, before I was strong enough not to crumble.
My son's addiction was driving the bus. His addiction told him this: Get what you want, get it the easiest possible way, and get it now.
I had taught him that I was the softest touch. For years and years. We would go round and round with me saying No, and setting down rules, and consequences, and spending enormous amounts of time and energy, and in the end I would cave. I had a full life and lots of stresses, and HIS SINGLE JOB IN LIFE was to break me down so he could get what he wanted.
I was no match.
But I learned. I learned the hard, hard way, of giving in so many times, and then finally, realizing NOTHING was any better, and I was a wreck, and he was getting exactly what he wanted, and I knew something HAD to change, and that wasn't going to be him, so it had to be me.
And then I started a daily practice, and I developed a support system (this board is one tool in my system), and I started reading books like Boundaries and CoDependent No More, and I bought every single Al-Anon book written, and I went to lots of Al-Anon meetings, and I got a sponsor and started doing what she told me to do, and I set physical boundaries with him about visits, coming to my house, the phone, email, texts.....and little by little I started getting stronger and being able to say No.
Physical distance and space so you can regain yourself is a great first step. I had some recovery under my belt from my divorce from my ex-husband who is a recovering alcoholic. During that time I went to Al-Anon for about 18 months, but I soon stopped when I mistakenly thought that since he wasn't here anymore I didn't need Al-Anon anymore. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I still had a lot of work to do on me, but I didn't know it and I couldn't hear it at the time.
Where you are today is one of the toughest spots. Saying no when they cry and beg is really hard. Saying no when they curse us is a little easier, quite frankly. Our anger is protection for us. It is an energizing emotion. Grief, deep grief, is the opposite. We have to feel both of those emotions, when they come, and we have to let them have their time with us.
You will come through this. It's about progress, not perfection. There is no "you are wrong" here. We are all on our own journeys.
Go away with your dear husband, and work hard to enjoy every single minute of it. Start by breathing. Just breathe. You have likely been holding your breath for a long, long time.
It's time for you. It's time for you to come first for a change. Claim it, and enjoy some time apart from this.
