It still hurts......He's my blood.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by 1000sunsets, Jun 25, 2013.

  1. 1000sunsets

    1000sunsets 1000sunsets

    My son is 30 years old and is homeless and keeps begging for forgiveness and help.

    My wife and I raised him the best we could like any parents would. Kept him in sports and in high school he was introduced to drugs. His two older sisters graduated from high school and continued with their medical careers and got married and had wonderful kids. My wife and i relocated to Dallas to get a fresh new start for us and our son but the drugs got worst. He met his better half while going to community college and dropped out and held small jobs and we supported im as much as we could by providing him with transportation and a roof over his head. His girl had a couple of abortions and my wife and I promised to help her raise a wonderful boy we convinced her to have. We have essentially been raising him from birth and is 8 years old still living with us (wonderful boy) My son continued to get in trouble with the law (drugs, shop lifting, assault with a weapon, etc.). We were always so protective that we hired lawyers and if he did time in prison, we would send him money and even went the distance where ever he was so his son could see him. My son always promised to do better and be there for his son which he did only for a while until his better half changed his ways again. We gave them chances to live with us and finally i had it and ran them off after discovering they were doing drugs under our roof. Of course, he would always come to the door begging for forgiveness, food, and money. The last straw was when they would steal his sons TV, video game, and video cassettes to go sell them for "gas" supposedly. One day he came to the door about midnight looking distraught and hungry and I allowed him to stay the night and eat. The following day I ran him off cause my grandson (his son) had a baseball game to play. Before departing from my son I told him that he was never going to change and not to be bringing "troulble" (his wife) to our place ever. We left and then had to return to check if we had left the stove on and found him and her inside our home with a couple of liquor bottles they had bought or stole. She must have been hiding under the bed when we left and then opened for him. I made the sacrafice of allowing him to take one of our cars (1996 grand marquis) which he was living out of for a while until he destroyed the motor and has no car or home anymore. So much drama but I blame myself for being too soft hearted and simply allowing it to get so far out of hand. It hurts cause he is our son but I have been disrespected, lied to, and even had a gun pointed at me by him. I am tired but not as hurt as my wife is. But what really hurts alot is that they are so selfish and do not care about their son. My wife and I are hoping to get enough money to hire this wonderful lawyer we talked to so we can get granted legal custody of our grandson. Sorry about the long chapter but I had to air out. God bless eveyone who is going through these similar matters.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    1000sunsets, welcome. I am so sorry you had to go looking for us, but glad that you found us. You are not alone, there are many of us here who share a similar story. My story is very much like yours except my daughter is 40, is not a substance abuser, likely a personality disorder or mental illness...........but in any case, I am in the same shoes. I get exactly how you are feeling, I know how much we try and try to save them and how much pain they cause by the choices they make. Especially when we are manipulated, lied to, disrespected and abused. I am also raising my granddaughter, who is now 17. I think it's a wonderful idea to get legal permanent guardianship or custody of your grandson, he is where to put your focus now.

    The most difficult part of this journey is detaching from the lives they lead and to stop enabling them. Don't judge yourself harshly, there are few among us who haven't traveled the same road you have. We keep trying believing our love, our amazing will, our strength and our money will somehow change their lives, make them whole, heal them, make a difference..............but it doesn't. They have to step up to the plate, they have to want to change, they have to do all the work, NOT US. You cannot save your son. You cannot change him. You cannot fix him, or control him or heal him or do anything, you are absolutely powerless to enact any changes and that is one hard nut to crack for us.

    I am really sorry you are in the place you are in, it is a devastating experience on every level. I would encourage you to read the article at the bottom of my post on detachment. It helps. I would also encourage you to seek out help, either al-anon, nar-anon, codependents anonymous, private therapy, parent groups, any kind of support you feel will work for you and your wife because the two of you need to heal too. You also need to completely shift your ideas of parenting your son, he is not like your two daughters, you need to distance yourself from him. Your grandson like my granddaughter as well, needs to have a safe, loving environment in which to grow and thrive and with his parents disrupting his life continually, that will not happen.

    Over a period of time I have distanced myself from my only child, it has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I would not wish this on anyone, it is a treacherous landscape filled with bombs which explode unexpectedly and knock you off balance with the choices and drama our adult kids bring to us. Don't blame yourself, give up the guilt, that really only serves the purpose of keeping you doing more for your son when you likely should be moving away and doing nothing. These are your sons choices, not yours, he made the bad choices and unfortunately, you and your wife are paying the price, on every level.

    Detachment is a process, we do it incrementally as we let go of our parental fears and desires for them, our dreams for them and our guilt that perhaps we could have done SOMETHING to make this turn out differently. You can't do anything to fix your son's life, that's the really hard part, you can't do anything. Accepting that is a real big bummer, but you must accept it, or you will ride around on this hamster wheel for eternity relentlessly trying to change something you have no power to change. Sigh. I know, I've tried it all and none of it worked.

    Learn to detach, learn to stop enabling, learn to forgive yourself, learn to accept what is, get you and your wife in supportive environments where you can hear others speak YOUR story. Learn tools to disengage from the drama. I got myself into therapy which focused on codependency, it was extremely helpful. I attended groups where other parents had similar experiences. I went to codependent anonymous groups in my town, I saw myself in all their stories. I read books. I joined this forum. I was determined to bring peace and joy back into my life in spite of my daughter's drama and negative choices. I was determined to offer my innocent granddaughter a shot at a life which was normal and safe and loving. It took some time, but I am okay. We are all okay. There is life after our kids mess up their lives.....................go grab yours and enjoy it. Your grandson is fortunate to have you. God bless you too. I am glad you're here, keep posting, it really helps to get it all out on the page and to get others who can really empathize to respond to you. It's a powerful place to heal. Welcome.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm really sorry that your son has taken a self-destructive path. By now you realize it is HIS path and you can't help him. He has to decide to change and all the help you can give him will only urge him to take further advantage of you.

    He stole his son's possessions for drugs. That's what they do. He is unsafe around your family. I am amazed he is on speaking terms with any of you if he pulled a gun on either of you. That would definitely make me positive that he never stood in my space again.

    Enjoy your life and learn to detach from him. You have many blessings--two wonderful girls and a blessed grandson. You may want to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Both are really good at teaching you how to take your focus off of the difficult child and his life and to be kind to yourself and to those who are kind to you, be they DNA blood or family by friendship and caring.

    I am so sorry you had to join our board, but we are always here, ready to try to help and understand. I'm glad you joined, but so sorry that you had to.
  4. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    I am experiencing similar problems with my 36-year-old son and his girlfriend. The pain is nearly unbearable at times.

    You have given your son many, many chances to turn his life around. You have to protect yourself and the rest of your family. Don't let your son bring you down with him.

    My son has not worked in six and one half years. He is an alcoholic and probably a drug user. His girlfriend is younger than he is by seven years. I talk to her parents at times, and their pain is nearly unbearable also. She is presently trying to support the two of them on the salary of a medical assistant, about $14 per hour. I believe she is still using drugs. I told a preacher that I was willing to pay for rehab, if he would agree to go. She said that she did not advise paying for an adult to go to rehab. She said there is recovery center that is supported by contributions. He says he does not need to go there. He said it is for drug users and he is not using.

    God bless you, too, and I recommend that you attend Al-Anon meetings.
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It is torture to watch our children self destruct. There are wonderful people here that are dealing with this and doing a fantastic job. They have true gems of advice.
  6. 1000Sunsets - you have my sympathy and support. You and your family have been through the ringer.

    Like everyone else has said - it is time for all of you to take your lives back. Get off your sons roller coaster and start running your own lives again. Focus on your daughters and your grandson and yourselves.

    *You deserve to have some joy and peace in your lives. Again, you have my support.
  7. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    1000 Sunsets-I feel your pain. Like everyone on this board, I am going through a hellish process of letting go of my son, who has caused me and my family so much pain with his actions.

    I'm not at the point where I can say I have detached. I'm working on it, but for me it has taken the decision to distance myself (by 1,000 miles!) from him because that's the only way I feel I can get out of this nightmarish web, whereby I am constantly taking on his problems and emotions. All the time that I've been on the rack, I've come to realize that he is only using me to have his needs met.

    I have gone beyond what any sane person would consider the call of duty. As we all have. I've been embarrassed many times to admit to friends and family (and people on this board) the lengths I've gone to in order to "help" him. It never really helped, just kept him infantilized. Reinforcing the learned helplessness.

    I know there are a lot of "I" statements in here. My intention is not to hijack your thread or make it all about me, just to let you know that I understand how tortured and confused you are and that I have been (and still am) right there where you are.

    To echo the other posters, read everything you can on these boards from the people who have had so much more experience than newbies like you and I. Their wisdom is truly invaluable.

    Strength and courage to you and to us all.
  8. 1000sunsets

    1000sunsets 1000sunsets

    I truly appreciate your words of comfort and support. I have read the article on detachment and it hits the nail on the head in so many ways. The work begins now where I will have to proceed with these steps hoping that my wife will follow behind me or beside me and evenmore in front of me. I can feel the strenght you have developed throughout your crisis and being able to raise your granddaughter. I have reached the age of 60 and never thought I would be at this point of my life where my son would drained us emotionally and financially. I just pray to God to give me the health and strenght to see our grandson grow up and be successful and that his parents actions will not cause such a negative impact in his future. It is a comfort to get so many replies giving me advise, comfort, and support. My coworkers must be all exhausted on hearing me out everytime something happens in regards to our son. Eventhough, there area a few that have been going through their own family problems. I have been a good listener as much as they have for me. When my father was alive he always told me that friends are worth more than money. In my younger years I did not comprehend what he meant by this but as I grew older I found out exactly what he meant. I will hold your words and advise dearly to my heart as you have given me a light to see at the end of the tunnel my friend.
  9. 1000sunsets

    1000sunsets 1000sunsets

    Thank you so dearly for your response. Yeah it is discouraging helping your kid and things never get any better. The thought was always there hoping that things would change but they don't. Since i have been reading the responses i have been getting from all you wonderful people, I have been relaying them to my wife who is in California visiting our older daughter and her kids. Her husband is on duty over seas. This brought some comfort to my daughter as well as for my wife and grandson just getting away for a while from our son. I have thought about getting a restraining order to keep my son and his wife away from our home and hopefully can get full custody of our grandson in the near future. They have always spoken and lied bad about my wife and I to who ever they come across. This all happened when we were able to provide for our grandson and she could not. Our grandson realized who was really giving him love and affection. He has a half sister who lived with us for a short period of time and her mother would call her names and so on. She now lives with her mothers mother and has for many years. Our grandson keeps in touch with her for we support him to do so......So much that happens but can't go into it all.

    I am not sorry i joined because now i am able to find some comfort and take advise from others who have suffered just as much or even more. More power to all of us and may the Lord always be in our corner.
  10. 1000sunsets

    1000sunsets 1000sunsets

    Thank you for your words of encouragement. I feel your pain and understand that is is very hard to deal with. I have always prayed for my family especially our son who has caused many of heartache and discomfort to our lives. Our son has been in and out of prison a few times and did not learn. He swore that his life had been turned around and would do good. It only happened for a short period and he was up to no good again. My wife keeps more to herself and does not like talking about our son like I do. I have always spoken to people about him so that I could get some sort of feedback or advise. I gather that your son and girlfriend do not have any kids. This makes it alot less painful when there are no little ones involved. I have heard alot of attending al-anon meetings and I will surely look into that. Again, thank you and God bless you and your family.
  11. 1000sunsets

    1000sunsets 1000sunsets

    You are so right and i truly appreciate all the comfort and advise everyone has given me and my wife. There is only one way to go and that is forward and try to make the best of everyday for my wife, grandson, daughters and their families. Thank you.
  12. 1000sunsets

    1000sunsets 1000sunsets

    That is true and i surely do appreciate all the advise and support from everyone on this site. This has really brought me a sense of comfort and I have been passing it on to my wife who is on vacation with our grandson in California with our oldest daughter. it has really been hard this summer because i have been working out of town alot and finally decided to give my wife a little break and send her to California with out daughter (thanks to the reward points from Southwest Airlines). This at least keeps our son from coming over and begging her for money. He still thinks I am out of town working but i am not and do not answer any of his calls or textes. I truly hope that the roller coaster ride ends and for the better. Thaks again for your words and god bless you and your family.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    1000sunsets, just a thought, but since you are talking to an attorney about custody, perhaps ask him/her if getting a restraining order would be important, not only to keep your son away from all of you now, but it may help in the process of custody. I had to write up a lengthy document on why I had to have temporary guardianship in the beginning and then when the permanent guardianship kicked in, I had to deliver all the documents to any relatives who were related to my granddaughter if they would then protest my guardianship. It was quite the process. You may want to find out how to put all your ducks in order now, so that the process goes smoothly because the parents may indeed fight you, not for your grandson, but to perhaps make some financial deal with you for their own benefit. Ugh. I know it sounds terrible, but our kids are very manipulative and your attorney should be able to advise you on the ways you can go about this which will be the easiest and the fastest where you run into the least resistance. Desperate people do desperate things, so just tread carefully for the sake of your grandson. He is not yet old enough to make the choice on his own. My heart goes out to you. I know just how this is, and at our age too! Yikes. I always say my granddaughter keeps me young though, she is really a good kid...............good luck to you!
  14. 1000sunsets

    1000sunsets 1000sunsets

    I share your pain my friend and it is my prayers that the pain will diminish on both of our lives. I relocated to Dallas believing that my son would leave the drugs but only got worst. One police officer told me that the drugs are everywhere you go and it has to come out of the person to want to change. Well, my son changed and would return back again and again especially having his significant other to support him in their drug habit. My friend please do not thnk you are stealing the show but do let out your frustrations and aches if need be. I have always been a good listener and a good friend to those who get to know me. You are right about there being so many people with similar or worst situations. Eventhough we think ours are the worst. My son still textes me or call me but i do not answer or reply. I have chosen to try to detach little by little and hopefully my wife will be able to do the same. It has been a very difficult experience because my wife has been in California with our oldest Daughter for almost two weeks and i have been working out of town alot in order to make enoough money to pay a lawyer to gain legal custody of our grandson. As always, when you take one step forward you get pushed two back. This happened when both of our vehicles needed repairs early this year and our savings were drained. I can also say that I mentioned alot of "I"s in my post. Like you we have also been so embarrased time after time that people would tell us to let him be and not help him out. I thought that as a parent you had to be there forever but that is not quite so. Again thank you and God bless.
  15. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Welcome, 1000 Sunsets.

    What an interesting and beautiful name you've chosen.

    Whatever the ages of their children (mine is 38), a parent's instincts are to protect that child, to nurture them and teach them how to succeed. But our difficult child kids cold-bloodedly use those instincts to manipulate us in every way imaginable. Somehow, we parents always hope that this time, things will be different, that this time will be the charm; that this time, all our effort and worry and money and hope will somehow work, and our children will grow into the people they were meant to be.

    The shame, the disbelief and helplessness we parents experience time and time again are overwhelming. There have been times over the past months that I've rattled around in my own life in a state of shock so intense I could barely function. Even after everything that's happened, I still slip into denial pretty easily. I find myself prettying everything up, believing that somehow, this was all a mistake and everything will be fine.

    But, just as you and your family have learned, whatever we parents do is never enough. What we are learning here, from sharing our stories with one another, is how to be healthy enough ourselves to react to our difficult child children from a place of strength.

    It's very difficult.

    We imagine our children freezing, or starving, or being vulnerable in any of a thousand ways. We research things, figure things out, buy them cars and clothes and food and give them our money and our love and our time.

    I am so angry and ashamed and confused and shocked and protective of and enraged at my daughter ~ which doesn't make any sense at all, but there you have it. I can't figure out how to put what is happening to us in some kind of perspective. It's just so unbelievable that this is actually, really happening.

    I don't know how I would be handling everything without everyone on this Board. I am so grateful to have found it, and so happy for you and your wife that you found it, too. Sharing my story, hearing the so-similar stories of the other parents here, has helped me heal, has made me stronger, has helped me tell myself the truth ~ well, more of the truth, anyway.


  16. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2


    *You put it in words so well. Thanks for sharing.
  17. 1000sunsets

    1000sunsets 1000sunsets

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is so true that we go through a state of various feelings as we tried to be protective, loving, and giving to our kids and in return they end up taking a path of destruction as they manipulate us and take advantage of our feelings.

    My wife and I are still struggling somewhat in detaching from our son. As we sleep, eat, bathe, or just simply brush our teeth....we wonder about his health and whereabouts. I keep reading the wonderful support everyone is giving us in this site and I keep relaying to my wife everyday as she is out of town with our daughter visiting along with our grandson. I know that a mother has a closer bond to our kids that is truly gentle and loving. As a father i have always been out working long hours and traveling out of town to nake ends meet. Luckily she has always been there for them and therefore feels more attached to them of course. Physically she is a very strong woman who has suffered from rheumatoid arthritis for many years and has never given up on caring for our children and grand children and performing all the house chores as well. I will keep on filling her with all the warm thoughts and support from everyone in this site. I hope you get some sort of comfort on your daughter situation. You all will surely be in my prayers everyday. Thank you for being here.
  18. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    I am so glad that you and your wife can support each other. My husband is very supportive, also, but he is not the father of my child. He can be more objective. I was diagnosed with RA last year. It flared up badly while my son was under my roof in March. I am much better now. Your wife needs to be gentle with her body, since she is suffering from RA. It is important that she does not get stressed. I know that may seem impossible now, but I hope you two will find peace soon.

    I have found one thing that lessens the mental pain that we are suffering--when I go out of my way to do something kind and helpful for someone else. I did some volunteer work for a charity for a few weeks. The work eased my anguish.

    *Something to think about. I know you are very busy with your grandchild.
  19. seo

    seo New Member

    I am happy you found this site as I am I did..... I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone, and my son is just 19, so I am sure there is a long road ahead. I am by no means expert on detaching, this is just my second day into it. I wish you and your wife all the strength in the world. I know you are giving your grandson lots of love, you are doing a wonderful job
  20. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    My son was difficult from the day he was born, and the times his dad was in the picture only made things worse. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt from the way my marriage had turned out.

    My son is now turning 35 and I have finally realized there is nothing I can do. He is in a relationship and they literally may kill each other - they fight a lot and he cuts himself and threatens suicide and the last one (that I know of) she came after him with a knife and he called the police - she was sent to detox and he Baker Acted himself. Her relatives told him she was going to kill him when she got out of jail. They sat all of his belongings out in the rain and most was stolen, he was living in the woods. I spent money to help him relocate and start over (this is after about a 4 month conn for money I had fell for) and I am positive they are back together.

    In November I had finally had enough and said no more, he threatened suicide and stealing if I did not give him money. He actually went no contact with me and it gave me the opportunity to take a really good look at our relationship. It is harder some days more than others, overall the absence of his drama, dramatic lies, conns has made my days much more peaceful.

    My son is a follower and girlie is jealous and controlling, she has caused him to cut ties with all of his friends. Some were helping him to get his life together. I called the police to stop her harassment so at least that has stopped.

    Your son's pleas for help and money will probably get worse, until he understands that when you say no you mean it. It's hard, they are our children, but my health began to suffer and I feel I have a right to a better life. in my opinion nothing I have done over the years to help has actually helped.

    I never give up hope that my son will turn his life around, I just don't hold my breath waiting for it. There are many programs out there for them when they are ready to help themselves. If I had all of the money I have spent trying to help my son I could go on a vacation of a lifetime lol!!!

    I am lucky that there are no children - they would only be used as pawns against me. Read all of the many books out there, it does help, and reading the posts here, the members on this forum are wonderful. I mediate, pray, exercise, keep busy with hobbies, forgive my self, turn things over to my HP as much as I can. My hubby of 14 years is not his father so he is not as emotionally attached with my problem. I have had some family members criticize my decisions, so I don't discuss things with them.

    I never in a million years believed I would be in this situation at my age (60), I had always believed my son would out grow this and become a responsible member of society. The heartbreak can be overwhelming and consume your life, if you let it, that is the one thing you can control, they are out of our hands. I know so many people that have grown unemployed adults sleeping on their sofa, I refuse to do it any more.
    (((hugs and blessings for you and yours)))