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Parent Emeritus
it was exactly as i suspected....
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<blockquote data-quote="mrsammler" data-source="post: 427896"><p>"And as for "you would have never talked to your mom that way" - well - that is pretty irrelevant. "</p><p></p><p>Really? I disagree emphatically. I see a ton of this sort of counsel on this forum--i.e., "well, she/he is a difficult child, so different rules/standards apply." In so many words, anyway. I couldn't disagree more. Look at it from the difficult child's (exploitative) perspective: "different rules/standards apply to me because I behave so badly? Cool! I'm gonna keep behaving badly!" For lack of a better term, I'll call it "difficult child exceptionalism": difficult children are different, so you've gotta define "acceptable" downward to meet them at a level that they can handle. No! That may well be how they got to be difficult children in the first place--certainly if keeps them in difficult child mode when they would otherwise have to consider, due to discomfort, a different mode of behavior.</p><p></p><p>The fact that we would never have talked to our mothers that way is entirely relevant. difficult children aren't a special class liberated from the standards & rules that the rest of us have to respect and work within--the minute you being to believe that they are, you've stopped helping them and started enabling them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mrsammler, post: 427896"] "And as for "you would have never talked to your mom that way" - well - that is pretty irrelevant. " Really? I disagree emphatically. I see a ton of this sort of counsel on this forum--i.e., "well, she/he is a difficult child, so different rules/standards apply." In so many words, anyway. I couldn't disagree more. Look at it from the difficult child's (exploitative) perspective: "different rules/standards apply to me because I behave so badly? Cool! I'm gonna keep behaving badly!" For lack of a better term, I'll call it "difficult child exceptionalism": difficult children are different, so you've gotta define "acceptable" downward to meet them at a level that they can handle. No! That may well be how they got to be difficult children in the first place--certainly if keeps them in difficult child mode when they would otherwise have to consider, due to discomfort, a different mode of behavior. The fact that we would never have talked to our mothers that way is entirely relevant. difficult children aren't a special class liberated from the standards & rules that the rest of us have to respect and work within--the minute you being to believe that they are, you've stopped helping them and started enabling them. [/QUOTE]
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Parent Emeritus
it was exactly as i suspected....
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