It went much better than I expected (difficult child at home/helping in reno)

[SuZir]

difficult child was home this week and helped with our kitchen reno. He helped his granddad about 6 to 8 hours a day and they got lot done. We kept a rule that he would not be asked help during evenings and tried to encourage him to go and do his own things then. father in law just called that he dropped difficult child to train station and he is heading to ski resort with girlfriend and their friends for weekend. father in law also asked difficult child to come back for few days next week so they can get one part done and he is planning doing so (maybe Monday evening or Tuesday, he does have psychiatrist and therapist appointments at Monday in his home town.)

We promised to pay him some for the help and with the amount of work they have got done also husband is happy to pay. We didn't tell him how much and he just asked if it would be the same as his and easy child's hour wage have been when they have worked around the house to pay us back something wilfully broken/lost etc. That isn't much so we told him it would be bit more. Normally when they have done extra chores for money, we have given a chore and told how much we will pay, but this time we didn't know how long he would be here, what father in law was planning to do next and certainly didn't want to be task masters so not giving him exact amount worked better for us. I do find it a sign of maturity that he was fine with it. We actually plan to pay him well, but I really like that his first reaction isn't "what is in it for me?" any more.

Also otherwise his stay has been calm enough. easy child has been in foul mood and they have had some bickering and squabbles, some even physical, but I find that normal brotherly stuff. He has been relatively polite to husband and at times even sweet to me (and at times very annoying, of course, that is something he does very well) and it seems he and father in law have had mostly good time. But of course father in law does have a patience of a saint, I'm sure it would not have gone that well, if he would have worked with me or heaven forbid, husband.

He has been social enough, went out with friends one night, met few cousins another. Slept some, but not too well. We have been up because of nightmares watching silly tv together in two nights. Last night he tried oxazepam his team's doctor gave to him and I think he slept through the night. At least he wasn't awake same time with me (I still struggle with violent nightmares and don't sleep well.) Didn't seem overly anxious. He is worried that his psychiatrist will make him try SSRIs because of his sleep issues and overall anxiety next. His team's doctor has already told difficult child that if psychiatrist feels SSRI's are necessary difficult child will need to at least try. Of course difficult child is in theory allowed to decide himself about that kind of matters, but in reality... If team's doctor decides he has to take a medication, difficult child doesn't have much choice. As I said, he has psychiatrist appointment at Monday and we will see.

 

[buddy]

So glad things stayed relatively calm. He really does sound like he is doing well for all he is going through.

Your reno sounds like it is coming along too. I've between through that, that is a huge stress alone!

 

[welcometowitsend]

Suzir - Wow - that sounds like an almost complete success! difficult child did very well! Congrats to all of you on that.

Please let us know how the doctors appointment goes today and what was decided with the SSRI's.

 

[SuZir]

Yes, he did really well. Very happy for that. I do think that in some ways helping father in law is kind of very low pressure time for him. Work itself isn't that difficult. father in law is, as I said, very, very patient guy, visiting home, even with our own family dynamic challenges, is a vacation from his own, adult life. And when it is just a few days at the time and being clearly just visiting, having to follow house rules isn't that hard either.

Unfortunately psychiatrist visint likely wasn't a success, I think. I called him and asked when he is coming back and with the car or train and also asked how psychiatrist appointment went. According to him "same old #@¤!" My guess is, that he was overrun on topic of SSRIs. Will know more when he is back home. If he is willing to tell.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm happy it went so well for you and difficult child, always good when it's better then expected.............we all know how quickly it goes to worse then expected! Enjoy the relative calm, hope your nightmares subside..............hugs.............

 

[SuZir]

This second week wasn't as good than first. Still could had been much worse. He did the work, whined some, but that was to be expected. He was in the worse mood early on the week after his psychiatrist visit but was little more agreeable later. Which is good because he will leave to Tunisia with his girlfriend today for a vacation and I do hope he is in better mood there and their whole vacation isn't just arguing and being miffed with each other (I don't think their relationship is going too hotly at the moment anyway.) difficult child would need this vacation to be relaxing, not causing more stress. But it will be what it will be.

Even father in law said that Tuesday difficult child had "a little challenging day." Knowing father in law, I really don't want to know how awful difficult child was. Probably horrible. I have to give it to husband that he has admirably tried to keep his cool with difficult child this week. Haven't been easy. Haven't been easy to me either. Behaving like a jerk of course doesn't make difficult child's situation easier, but I do get that when he is so stressed and angry as he is, it may be impossible for him to be nicer. And while his attitude was bad and he whined and was negative all the time, he actually mostly did all the right things all the time. And our reno took few more big steps forward. Now it seems that it may be done before seedtime (okay, that sounds very biblical, what word really is used in English for spring time field work?) and we will not be living middle of kitchen reno whole summer and till after harvest at fall.

One thing came again very clear. difficult child will not be living home permanently ever again. I love him to come to visit. He is welcome to bunk here during transitional periods. And we are happy to make dry and warm room for his stuff he may need to storage. But he needs to live somewhere else. Even if it would in some point mean that we need to help him financially with rent etc.

I do hope I will never have to tell him that. His launch has been successful enough till now and we can hope it continues to be so. And then of course it will never be an issue. But even if he would need to come live back home again in some point, it will be only for temporarily and not longer than month or three.

It's not because he was being a jerk this week or because he could be difficult to live with. He just has grown out from his childhood room and there is no going back. And even trying it wouldn't make favours to anyone.

That of course doesn't mean that I didn't spend quite a few moments during nights when I was unable to sleep behind his door just listening him breathing and sleeping. And enjoying every second of that (Okay, that may sound rather weird, I know.)

 

[recoveringenabler]

I understand that strange dichotomy of recognizing our offspring will never be that child again living under our roof, however, that mother's sense of the ultimate peace of knowing they are safe and sound in our sphere.............it is not weird, I think most mothers feel that way. I was thinking as I read your post, that even though your difficult child acted badly in some ways, it was good he was home, in a safe place to adjust to his new medications surrounded by family he could be real with. It seems like a big transition and one which may in fact lead him into feeling better in the long run. All in all, the time he's spent with you sounds like it was positive in many ways, for many reasons. Now your home is his touchstone, not his home base, this is a good thing I think.