Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
It's all my fault
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 632450" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Dalyce, and I am so sorry that you are in this situation with your son. I so understand. </p><p></p><p>Dalyce, you are sounding sick and tired of all you have been through to try to help him. If you are sick and tired enough, then that is a good thing and today is a very good day for you. </p><p></p><p>I know it doesn't feel that way right now. You have tried everything, right? Multiple times? x20? Right? And none of it has worked. And then you sat and thought some more, and tried again. No results. </p><p></p><p>We get it. We have been there and done that---the exact same thing. I love my 25 year old son very much. I can tell you honestly, Dalyce, that things did not start getting better for me, until I was willing to create some distance and some space between us.</p><p></p><p>What does that mean?</p><p></p><p>First of all, it meant letting his calls go to voice mail. Then waiting and responding to a text for at least 24 hours. Then, telling him we can only talk once a week on Saturday mornings at 10 a.m. Then, telling him we can only see each other once a week for 10 minutes, sitting in the r, in front of the day homeless shelter where he eats breakfast and lunch. </p><p></p><p>It was a process. It was very very hard for me to do this, but I was completely spent. I was completely sick and tired. </p><p></p><p>That is when I started to get some peace. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That's good, Dalyce. Right now my son doesn't have a phone either, because it got stolen. I think that is a good thing for me right now and for him as well. He can't call and text me at the drop of a hat. We have more space and distance. </p><p></p><p>Even though he seems to actually be doing better right now, in his behavior and thinking, if not his actions, I think it is because he is having to stand a bit on his own two feet without me around so much. That is good for us both. </p><p></p><p>And Dalyce, the person you describe in your post is not going to be able to keep a job right now anyway. So let that go, for now. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And you are absolutely right. Your home needs to be your sanctuary. Loving an adult addict who is our child is hard enough. We can't have active addiction in our homes. It is impossible to deal with and to live with. You are doing the right thing, so hang in there. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Very often, the more we stand our ground and say no, the more our difficult children will ramp up and create more drama and chaos in an attempt to get us to do what they want.</p><p></p><p>Don't respond to him for a while. If he calls and texts, ignore it. Set some goals. 24 hours? 48 hours? Whatever you can stand, at first. Just make a start. Space, time and distance are all good things. Believe me. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is no reasoning with an active addict or a person who has another untreated mental illness. Addiction is a primary diagnosis and is considered a mental illness. Your son may have another mental diagnosis. Whatever the case, if he is not completely psychotic, like MWM said, and doesn't know reality, then HE IS RESPONSIBLE for his behavior. That is what the mental health professionals all say. You are not responsible. He is. And that means if he chooses not to comply with treatment, and not take his medications and go for therapy, then the consequences are his. Not yours.</p><p></p><p>Keep repeating that to yourself.</p><p></p><p>Like MWM said: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The three Cs. </p><p></p><p>It is way past time for you. You need to take care of you. You have tried to take care of him, and he doesn't want you to. He wants to do it his way. So...back off for a while. Let him do what he will do. You turn from your constant thinking about him, and turn that energy and force onto yourself. </p><p></p><p>Start doing nice things for yourself. Start writing a gratitude list every morning. List five things you are grateful for today. I promise, it will change your attitude, if you will start doing this one small thing.</p><p></p><p>Get enough rest. Take a walk. Sit in the sun. Take a nap. Buy some flowers. Take a day trip---just start driving. Read a book. Have lunch with a friend. Start taking care of YOU.</p><p></p><p>Go to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there are wonderful. Keep going back. You don't have to talk at all or you can sob out your story or you can talk a little or a lot. They are very compassionate there, and they get it. It's free group therapy. It has saved me.</p><p></p><p>This is a one day at a time life. You only have THIS DAY. What are you going to do with it? </p><p></p><p>You will continue to get nowhere focusing on your son. He will do whatever he is going to do. If it gets bad enough, he will change. But not until then.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs. I KNOW how very hard it is to start. But once you start, and you start feeling better, you will begin to work harder and harder because feeling better is a wonderful thing, and you will want more of it.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. We care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 632450, member: 17542"] Hi Dalyce, and I am so sorry that you are in this situation with your son. I so understand. Dalyce, you are sounding sick and tired of all you have been through to try to help him. If you are sick and tired enough, then that is a good thing and today is a very good day for you. I know it doesn't feel that way right now. You have tried everything, right? Multiple times? x20? Right? And none of it has worked. And then you sat and thought some more, and tried again. No results. We get it. We have been there and done that---the exact same thing. I love my 25 year old son very much. I can tell you honestly, Dalyce, that things did not start getting better for me, until I was willing to create some distance and some space between us. What does that mean? First of all, it meant letting his calls go to voice mail. Then waiting and responding to a text for at least 24 hours. Then, telling him we can only talk once a week on Saturday mornings at 10 a.m. Then, telling him we can only see each other once a week for 10 minutes, sitting in the r, in front of the day homeless shelter where he eats breakfast and lunch. It was a process. It was very very hard for me to do this, but I was completely spent. I was completely sick and tired. That is when I started to get some peace. That's good, Dalyce. Right now my son doesn't have a phone either, because it got stolen. I think that is a good thing for me right now and for him as well. He can't call and text me at the drop of a hat. We have more space and distance. Even though he seems to actually be doing better right now, in his behavior and thinking, if not his actions, I think it is because he is having to stand a bit on his own two feet without me around so much. That is good for us both. And Dalyce, the person you describe in your post is not going to be able to keep a job right now anyway. So let that go, for now. And you are absolutely right. Your home needs to be your sanctuary. Loving an adult addict who is our child is hard enough. We can't have active addiction in our homes. It is impossible to deal with and to live with. You are doing the right thing, so hang in there. Very often, the more we stand our ground and say no, the more our difficult children will ramp up and create more drama and chaos in an attempt to get us to do what they want. Don't respond to him for a while. If he calls and texts, ignore it. Set some goals. 24 hours? 48 hours? Whatever you can stand, at first. Just make a start. Space, time and distance are all good things. Believe me. There is no reasoning with an active addict or a person who has another untreated mental illness. Addiction is a primary diagnosis and is considered a mental illness. Your son may have another mental diagnosis. Whatever the case, if he is not completely psychotic, like MWM said, and doesn't know reality, then HE IS RESPONSIBLE for his behavior. That is what the mental health professionals all say. You are not responsible. He is. And that means if he chooses not to comply with treatment, and not take his medications and go for therapy, then the consequences are his. Not yours. Keep repeating that to yourself. Like MWM said: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The three Cs. It is way past time for you. You need to take care of you. You have tried to take care of him, and he doesn't want you to. He wants to do it his way. So...back off for a while. Let him do what he will do. You turn from your constant thinking about him, and turn that energy and force onto yourself. Start doing nice things for yourself. Start writing a gratitude list every morning. List five things you are grateful for today. I promise, it will change your attitude, if you will start doing this one small thing. Get enough rest. Take a walk. Sit in the sun. Take a nap. Buy some flowers. Take a day trip---just start driving. Read a book. Have lunch with a friend. Start taking care of YOU. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there are wonderful. Keep going back. You don't have to talk at all or you can sob out your story or you can talk a little or a lot. They are very compassionate there, and they get it. It's free group therapy. It has saved me. This is a one day at a time life. You only have THIS DAY. What are you going to do with it? You will continue to get nowhere focusing on your son. He will do whatever he is going to do. If it gets bad enough, he will change. But not until then. Warm hugs. I KNOW how very hard it is to start. But once you start, and you start feeling better, you will begin to work harder and harder because feeling better is a wonderful thing, and you will want more of it. Keep posting. We care. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
It's all my fault
Top