It's been a crazy fall not in a good way.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by rejectedmom, Dec 17, 2012.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    After my father in law died I decided to take a month off. Since the weather was still nice into October I stayed at the beach. That was good and I managed to do some healing from the 40 day vigil I sat at my father in law's bedside. But peace never stays long in my life it seems. When I got home My house was a filthy mess from easy child/difficult child living here alone. The reason it was such a wreck? easy child/difficult child had gone off his medications. It was about three weeks and the edgie behavior, extreme disorganization, and paranoia was beginning to seep back. It took me about 3 days to get to the bottom of it but he finally admitted it. I read him the riot act and thankfully he went back on his respiradol and is now doing better.

    Right after that hurricane Sandy hit. Our beach community took and almost direct hit. It was 3 days before we were allowed in to our community to assess the damage. Much devastation all around us but we were miraculously spared. We stayed down for a couple of days and helped some of our neighbors with their clean up then closed down our home and returned to our main residence feeling relieved that we could breathe again.

    Unfortunately that sence of relief was short lived. difficult child#2 who had been paroled, got into a domestic altercation with his new girlfriend while they both were drunk. He busted up her place and eventhough he did not hit her that stat has laws that say if the person thought they were in danger it is an assault. He is charged with second degree assault and destruction of property along with a poarole violation. We had no idea any of this had happened. For three weeks he was back here in our state and county. He had told us his PO gave him permission to be here. He went to AA meetings, worked odd jobs, etc. Then we got a call that he was in jail again. The whole time he was around here, he was on the lam. He was hiding out and lieing to us while a warrant was out for him from the other state.

    He is looking at an additional 4-8 years tacked onto his previous 7 year sentance. He will be almost 40 when he gets out unless he gets some good time. He is headed for the state penitentuary. husband says the visitor screening there is very intrusive. I am not sure I can handle it with my lingering PSTD symptoms. husband believes this is true also. So, there is once again an empty chair at my holiday table and will be for many holidays to come. I likely will go see my son and be traumatized by it. I dread it. I feel... flat. -RM
  2. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh my RM...Sometimes I just shake my head and ask myself how much can one mom take?
    I am so sorry about your father in law, PCGFG going off his medications, and now difficult child 2.

    It's pretty sad that what difficult child 2 did was wreck the place but nonetheless gets charged with 2nd degree Assault when he didn't even touch his girlfriend. I know how I feel about my young difficult child being charged with 2 Felony's for spitting at police...sigh, but he too was being "watched" while on probation, got drunk, and then smashed his hand into wife's car with the grandbabies in the backseat so therefore got "Reckless Child Endangerment" charge and then spent last yr in prison for it all. My young difficult child's charge of "RCE" did get dropped over this past year but he still had to pay a price.
    And of course like your difficult child...Alcohol was involved. When will they learn?

    I am thinking of you and sending out love and gentle hugs especially during this time of year.
    I know how it feels to have your son locked up when it seems like everyone else is merrily living life...and the ptsd of sorts...cause it feels like a part of you is locked up with them.

    Stay close to us...
    with love and care.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh RM, I am so sorry. You have tried so hard for him. I just dont know when you have to sort of protect your heart from more hurt. I believe he is almost becoming institutionalized at this point. I have heard it said that it is harder for a person on probation/parole to make it in the outside world than it is for them to simply finish their sentences in prison. It is better for them to just do their entire time because Parole is almost a guarantee they will mess up and go back. Even a traffic ticket can send them back.

    I hope he can learn something this time. I hope you can find some way of coping. Hugs.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry, RM. I don't think I could go to visit under those circumstances, either. Could you send letters instead?

    I hope you can find some peace.

  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sending support and hugs RM. That is just so much. Hope you can have some distracting peaceful moments during the holidays.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh RM, I am so very sorry. That is a lot of stuff to deal with. Please take VERY good care of yourself, it's easy to get caught up in all the stress and forget about ourselves. I understand wanting to visit difficult child#2, could you take a Valium or some form of relaxer before going to see him, just to get you through the yucky experience of screening? My heart so goes out to you, I'm sending gentle caring hugs your way and prayers that you find peace and a real true sense of health and well being in spite of anything your difficult child's do.........((((HUGS)))))
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am so sorry RM, and I think you need to put yourself first. Do what works for you and protect your own self. {{{hugs}}}
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you ladies for your heartfelt support and kindness.

    LMS, Sadly I told my Husband that if difficult child 2 was in some states this would mean 3 felonies and he would be in for life. My reality is that I am neither young or healthy and he may be in for the rest of my life.

    Janet, Yes prison is America's new mental instutition and it sucks. difficult child's first parole officer (years ago now) said that he should just serve his sentance for the reason's you state. But he doesnt take our advice and begs and pleads for early release and then screws up and gets more time. It is heart wrenching.

    Kathy, I do send letters and cards but it isn't the same as a face to face. Even if I do go, there will be no contact, no hope for a hug or peck on the cheek. I just have to wonder, how is that rehabilitating????

    Buddy, I try to focus on the grandkids. I have decorated, gone christmas shopping, play christmas music, and am planning our usual Christmas eve dinner. I do put on a good face but I am so dead inside. I just don't know how to get back to happy and stay there any more. I went on ADs but they screwed up my vision and had to go off them. I didn't want to stop because they did help me feel better. But the side effects were too much. Besides my vision they made me want to get high. Weird because I never used drugs or alcohol for that purpose, not ever! My doctor said he will work with me on trying natural remedies like St John's wort but then I must stay out of the sun entirely. Still trying to decide if that is good for me as I am solar powered. Talk therapy didn't help it just made me feel worse. Brought everything to the surface and there it remained. I do beter pushing it away instead of dwelling on it. I do force myself to go out and participate in activities. I have my book club and I joined another club that does good deeds and fundraisers and alike. They seem nice and I am hoping that fun will follow. My girlfriends, that I used to do things with, are now in new relationships and not as available as they were in the past. Unfortunately husband is in as bad a place as I am so I find when it is a couples thing it is like pulling teeth to get him going. He already blew off the Christmas actiity that the new club offered. He also doesn't want to visit his sister and go to NYC with them for a show and dinner this year. Not sure exaactly when but I wil probably go visit my sister after the holidays and we will visit our aunt together who was in a terrible car accident and in the hospital upstate NY for a month now. Not exactly a fun vacation but a change of scenery at least.

    Recoveringenabler, I will have to consider doing that sometime in the future I am sure. It isn't the right thing for me at the moment.

    Signorina, Thank you. I am trying to figure out what is right for me. Some days I want to just leave, move out west and start over. Build a new life with no contact with anybody from this life. Probably not an unfamiliar fantasy for many of us here. -RM ​

    Last edited: Dec 18, 2012
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    RM I am so sorry. You have tried so hard to save him from himself, to help him get on a better path. It is truly heartbreaking. You need to be kind to yourself. It is not a betrayal to make a good life for yourself.

  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Absolutely ditto Nancy.

    I know how personally I took my difficult child's behaviors and consequences for so long. At first I was downright hostile angry...and then came the depression. My life was depleated. I could find no joy...and I felt very sorry for myself. by the way, I am NOT saying that this is where you are at RM...Only relaying what happend to me.

    I think the thing that helps me most to not feel "victimised" by this life...or difficult child behaviors/conseqences is to find things to be grateful for...every small to big thing. Helps me realise that I have been given a great deal and like others have reminded me of recently...I'm not in charge of God's timing. His relationship with my children has nothing to do with me at this point. I gave them all I had that was good...Just as you have.

    RM...It's hard to remember for me anyway, that I am responsible for my OWN happiness. It doesn't depend on my husband, or my children. I am glad you are finding ways to make the most out of this Christmas season...concentrating on our little ones/the grandbabies is so SO very rewarding. I am sure yours adore you just like mine.

    I am keeping you close to my heart RM. You are a strong lady and a survivor. We go on because we have freedom and the gift of life within our grasp. We wish it and pray so hard for it for our children...but they have to reach out on their own and discover what life has in store for them to learn, independent of us.

    with caring thoughts for you,
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sorry for your numbness. Shouldn't it be anger? I am angry at him myself for doing this and putting you through such sorrow. I am sorry. I hope you find some joy again soon. HUGS!
  12. rita

    rita Member

    RM I am hoping today that you have been sent some peace from above. I wish there was access for mental health facilities that did not involve prison guards. Alas it is not so. PTSD from traumatic events is very real and debilitating if you know your limits mentally dont test them. I too could not visit my son in prison, I just could not. There was a very good support group link motherswithsonsinprison that provided spiritual support and understanding as prison sentencing is not something you cannot openly discuss and your world becomes small and it is scary. RM I am glad you spent that time on the beach, there is nothing more tranquil than watching the waves, it mimics grief comes and waves and rolls away and somehow in between the water rolls you find the quiet. I wish you the best do those things you love , I find long walks and woods and nature bring me some relief. You are in my thoughts, with life their is hope
    peace rita
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Nancy, Thank you for your kind words. You have been here for me since I joined such a long time ago and I truly appreciate it. I have vowed to make a real conscious effort to be happy. I did my best and I accomplished alot. Time to get back to my art and my grandchildren. My son will have to navigate this part of his journey without me.

    LMS, and Busywend, I have no anger anymore. It serves no purpose for what I want out of my future life. I will remember the sweet boy I tried to give a good life to and find peace in the fact that I accomplished alot. He got all the operations he needed, Counseling and medications, an education that ended in a HS diploma, grew up in a loving family, Had wonderful vacations and experiences and much more. It has to be enough for me.

    Rita thank you for you kind words. I will check out that link. difficult child has been in and out of prision for almost 8 years now. It isn't anything new for us but it still isn't easy. We had always hoped he would get tired of it and accept help and guidence. That time has not yet come. There have been many interventions and programs. Unfortunately he still cannot accept his disabilities, MI, and limitations. For that reason he won't allow others to guide him in his adult years. With the additional jail time tacked on, when he gets out next, we will likely be too old to take on the task. -RM
  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Good Morning RM,
    Just really thinking of you and hoping you really do find peace.
    I too look back on all the special times and opportunities we gave our son's growing up. It helps when you know you did your darndest to give them a great life and with lots of conscience effort and love behind it.

    I still have hope for our son's...even though they resist MI as adults. I know for myself that it took having a psychotic breakdown in Feb 07 before I finally accepted the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes it takes something that extreme before one is willing to admit the "obvious".

    I hope to see you more on the board...
    Loving thoughts to you,
  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    LMS, Thank you for your kind words. I do still have hope, for without it is dispair. But I no longer will make it the primary focus of my life. I will try to post more often. I have to learn a balance though. I was spending too much time on line in my support groups and not living my life fully. I thank all you lovely ladies for your understanding and always welcoming me back with warm hearts. You are all in my thoughts and prayers, may we all find peace and happiness and joy in our lives. -RM
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    RM - I am catching up and just read this whole thread. My heart goes out to you. It is so very very hard to be the mom of a really messed up kid....I think the holidays make it even harder with others having their families all around them. I ditto what others have said, take care of yourself, rediscover the things you enjoy, all you can do is find a way to commit to yourself not to let him ruin your life. You have no control to what he does to his own life. Hugs.