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<blockquote data-quote="LostSF" data-source="post: 368659"><p>Thanks again MidwestMom.</p><p></p><p>My SS expressed his hurt in various ways after his parents separated, even after I had been on the scene for a while. I remember him crying at Christmas and saying that all he really wanted was for his family to be back together. That never really hurt me, because I understood that it was hard for him. And I believe it's because he expressed those feelings in a healthy way and got them out that he is now very accepting of me and my relationship to his mother. He's even told his mother that he really looks up to me and wants to be like me when he grows up.</p><p></p><p>But SD never really let those feelings out... at least not in front of anyone. And I thnk that's part of the problem -- she never grieved properly for the break up of her family. But her behavioural issues existed long before her parents split up -- screaming, breaking things, being rude and disrespectful to family and strangers, etc, so I think her issues have just been exasperated by the pain she's felt from the divorce.</p><p></p><p>wife has suggested that she's using me as a target for all of her hurt and anger... she won't be mad at wife or her boyfriend for very long because she craves their love and acceptance, but she feels she has nothing to lose by taking those feelings out on me.</p><p></p><p>Again, I can understand all that, but I guess my problem with all of it is... where's the accountability? What human being (adult, child, rich or poor) has the right to treat someone like they don't exist, for years on end? Am I really expected to just sit and wait, hoping that she'll change her mind one day and accept me? The whole situation just goes against my fundamental beliefs -- that people need to be accountable for their behaviour.</p><p></p><p>I think that's the part that I find most offensive about the whole situation... it's the suggestion that some day SD will decide I'm not so bad and then what? I'm just supposed to smile and act like her abuse and disrespect from the last however many years didn't happen? And what is it I'm supposed to feel when and if that day comes? Gratitude? Relief? Joy? I'm not one for pretending that the past didn't happen, and I firmly believe in people being held accountable for their actions. So am I supposed to put that all aside when/if SD warms up to me?</p><p></p><p>I don't know how your husband did it MidwestMom, but I'd be very interested to hear about it.</p><p></p><p>And I think the other part that really bothers me is that, if the roles were reversed and SD was my child, I know I would be dealing with the situation very differently. If my child disrespected my partner (or any other person, for that matter), I would handle it the same as if she was disrespecting me. She would be told it wasn't acceptable, and given consequences each time it happened. If my daughter decided to ignore and speak rudely to wife on a daily basis, my daughter would be grounded and doing extra chores on a daily basis, with this phrase repeated over and over: "you don't have to like her, but you do have to be respectful to her." It just seems like common sense to me... you should expect your children to treat your partner with the same level of respect that they treat you. But wife just doesn't see it that way. </p><p></p><p>But at the end of the day I know I chose to be in this situation, and I'm not sure what it is I'm really looking for other than to vent. My options are to stay and try and make the best of it, or leave. Sadly I know I'd probably be happier overall if I left, but I do love wife very much and feel very loyal to her. So hopefully therapy and a more active social life will help me to deal with all of the pent up frustration and hurt I'm obviously feeling.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LostSF, post: 368659"] Thanks again MidwestMom. My SS expressed his hurt in various ways after his parents separated, even after I had been on the scene for a while. I remember him crying at Christmas and saying that all he really wanted was for his family to be back together. That never really hurt me, because I understood that it was hard for him. And I believe it's because he expressed those feelings in a healthy way and got them out that he is now very accepting of me and my relationship to his mother. He's even told his mother that he really looks up to me and wants to be like me when he grows up. But SD never really let those feelings out... at least not in front of anyone. And I thnk that's part of the problem -- she never grieved properly for the break up of her family. But her behavioural issues existed long before her parents split up -- screaming, breaking things, being rude and disrespectful to family and strangers, etc, so I think her issues have just been exasperated by the pain she's felt from the divorce. wife has suggested that she's using me as a target for all of her hurt and anger... she won't be mad at wife or her boyfriend for very long because she craves their love and acceptance, but she feels she has nothing to lose by taking those feelings out on me. Again, I can understand all that, but I guess my problem with all of it is... where's the accountability? What human being (adult, child, rich or poor) has the right to treat someone like they don't exist, for years on end? Am I really expected to just sit and wait, hoping that she'll change her mind one day and accept me? The whole situation just goes against my fundamental beliefs -- that people need to be accountable for their behaviour. I think that's the part that I find most offensive about the whole situation... it's the suggestion that some day SD will decide I'm not so bad and then what? I'm just supposed to smile and act like her abuse and disrespect from the last however many years didn't happen? And what is it I'm supposed to feel when and if that day comes? Gratitude? Relief? Joy? I'm not one for pretending that the past didn't happen, and I firmly believe in people being held accountable for their actions. So am I supposed to put that all aside when/if SD warms up to me? I don't know how your husband did it MidwestMom, but I'd be very interested to hear about it. And I think the other part that really bothers me is that, if the roles were reversed and SD was my child, I know I would be dealing with the situation very differently. If my child disrespected my partner (or any other person, for that matter), I would handle it the same as if she was disrespecting me. She would be told it wasn't acceptable, and given consequences each time it happened. If my daughter decided to ignore and speak rudely to wife on a daily basis, my daughter would be grounded and doing extra chores on a daily basis, with this phrase repeated over and over: "you don't have to like her, but you do have to be respectful to her." It just seems like common sense to me... you should expect your children to treat your partner with the same level of respect that they treat you. But wife just doesn't see it that way. But at the end of the day I know I chose to be in this situation, and I'm not sure what it is I'm really looking for other than to vent. My options are to stay and try and make the best of it, or leave. Sadly I know I'd probably be happier overall if I left, but I do love wife very much and feel very loyal to her. So hopefully therapy and a more active social life will help me to deal with all of the pent up frustration and hurt I'm obviously feeling. [/QUOTE]
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