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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 667036" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. This is always difficult for us moms, but I have to ask you a few questions.</p><p></p><p>Are you really willing to let him steal from you AND your ten year old dauagher blind to pay for his drug habit? From your parents? Just to have him lie to you? What do you feel guilty about? Did you steal or did he? Who breached your relationship, crossed boundaries and did criminal things to whom? If it had been me, the cops would have been called on all of that because I feel it is best to intervene in a tough way with our addicted and disturbed adult kids or how will they learn or be motivated to change? Life is good when he can just pop over at the family house and steal, isn't it?</p><p></p><p>At his age, especially if this is your daughter's father, you SHOULD in my opinion pick your husband over grown son. He is 24, hardly a child that you need to "mommy." I see he is adopted and perhaps he inherited some traits from his family of origin that are not within your control. I have adopted kids too. At any rate, you can't change him. Only he can change himself. And if he keeps stealing, eventually he is going to end up in jail or even prison. Somebody outside of the family will have no problem pressing charges. What if he steals a car next?</p><p></p><p>All any of us can do is share what we would probably do or what we did. I know that this child, if he were mine, would be living out of my house for good. He is old enough and able bodied and he can find his own rehab if he wants a rehab to quit. He doesn't need you to find it for him. I would not give him any money...it will be used for drugs. I would change the locks on my doors so he can't break in and lock my windows too when I was not home so he could not get in and steal. I would buy a lock box and lock up credit cards a nd bank statements and any cash in the house. I would not want ten year old near him. The people he must be associating with to get the drugs have got to be bad news and you don't want them to retaliate against him, perhaps, by hurting you, your husband or your precious little daughter.</p><p></p><p>Safety always came first with me and I did ask my daughter to leave when we caught her having a drug party at our house and unexpectedly surprised her by coming home early. My younger kids were terrified, the "friendsS" were defiant and high and unruly and it was scary. She luckily stayed with her straight brother and listened to his rules because breaking one, including lighting up a cigarette in his house, was a ticket to homelessness. But even if she had not found him willing to reluctantly let him live in his cold basement she would have been gone. We couldn't have her there anymore.</p><p></p><p>She quit! Even cigarettes! And her drug of choice was METH!</p><p></p><p>She has been twelve years clean so this worked for us and we are glad we did tough love. WE are very close now. Do not think because he is acting like all addicts do and lying and stealing that this is really who he is. Ist's the illness. But until he gets well, and that is 100% up to him, he will not be himself.</p><p></p><p>Lately, this board has been full of good news with former addicts cleaning up, getting on with their lives, working and straightening out without coming back home. This is my opinion and it could be wrong, but I think pampering them and letting them see our guilt just sets them back and, worse, sets US back as we are pulled back into the world of enabling again.</p><p></p><p>You have to decide the best path for you. It is so sad t hat your son was on such a good path and then hurt himself, but it is what it is now a nd he has to deal with his own life and you have to make your own life either good or bad...it is your choice. You can only change one person on earth...you. You can't change your son. You CAN change how you deal with him and begging for forgiveness w hen you did nothing wrong, AND HE DID, is not going to make him a better person, is it? Well, I don't think so, at least.</p><p></p><p>This is all my take on it and take what you like and leave the rest and you have a big cyber-hug from me for your hurting heart. Keep posting. Trust me. We all care A LOT.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 667036, member: 1550"] Hi. This is always difficult for us moms, but I have to ask you a few questions. Are you really willing to let him steal from you AND your ten year old dauagher blind to pay for his drug habit? From your parents? Just to have him lie to you? What do you feel guilty about? Did you steal or did he? Who breached your relationship, crossed boundaries and did criminal things to whom? If it had been me, the cops would have been called on all of that because I feel it is best to intervene in a tough way with our addicted and disturbed adult kids or how will they learn or be motivated to change? Life is good when he can just pop over at the family house and steal, isn't it? At his age, especially if this is your daughter's father, you SHOULD in my opinion pick your husband over grown son. He is 24, hardly a child that you need to "mommy." I see he is adopted and perhaps he inherited some traits from his family of origin that are not within your control. I have adopted kids too. At any rate, you can't change him. Only he can change himself. And if he keeps stealing, eventually he is going to end up in jail or even prison. Somebody outside of the family will have no problem pressing charges. What if he steals a car next? All any of us can do is share what we would probably do or what we did. I know that this child, if he were mine, would be living out of my house for good. He is old enough and able bodied and he can find his own rehab if he wants a rehab to quit. He doesn't need you to find it for him. I would not give him any money...it will be used for drugs. I would change the locks on my doors so he can't break in and lock my windows too when I was not home so he could not get in and steal. I would buy a lock box and lock up credit cards a nd bank statements and any cash in the house. I would not want ten year old near him. The people he must be associating with to get the drugs have got to be bad news and you don't want them to retaliate against him, perhaps, by hurting you, your husband or your precious little daughter. Safety always came first with me and I did ask my daughter to leave when we caught her having a drug party at our house and unexpectedly surprised her by coming home early. My younger kids were terrified, the "friendsS" were defiant and high and unruly and it was scary. She luckily stayed with her straight brother and listened to his rules because breaking one, including lighting up a cigarette in his house, was a ticket to homelessness. But even if she had not found him willing to reluctantly let him live in his cold basement she would have been gone. We couldn't have her there anymore. She quit! Even cigarettes! And her drug of choice was METH! She has been twelve years clean so this worked for us and we are glad we did tough love. WE are very close now. Do not think because he is acting like all addicts do and lying and stealing that this is really who he is. Ist's the illness. But until he gets well, and that is 100% up to him, he will not be himself. Lately, this board has been full of good news with former addicts cleaning up, getting on with their lives, working and straightening out without coming back home. This is my opinion and it could be wrong, but I think pampering them and letting them see our guilt just sets them back and, worse, sets US back as we are pulled back into the world of enabling again. You have to decide the best path for you. It is so sad t hat your son was on such a good path and then hurt himself, but it is what it is now a nd he has to deal with his own life and you have to make your own life either good or bad...it is your choice. You can only change one person on earth...you. You can't change your son. You CAN change how you deal with him and begging for forgiveness w hen you did nothing wrong, AND HE DID, is not going to make him a better person, is it? Well, I don't think so, at least. This is all my take on it and take what you like and leave the rest and you have a big cyber-hug from me for your hurting heart. Keep posting. Trust me. We all care A LOT. [/QUOTE]
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