It's been awhile...an update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by scaredofhim, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. scaredofhim

    scaredofhim Member

    Hello all. I haven't posted in quite some time. Things are worse with my stepson who is now 14. His mental illness diagnoses are the same but now he is up to 260 pounds and he is refusing to take his medications. Truancy has become even worse this year and the school has warned biomom that action will be taken if she doesn't make him come to school. So now biomom just tells the school SS is ill and keeps taking him to different urgent cares to get doctors. notes so the absences can be excused. How these doctors. can give BM notes that say SS is ill is beyond me when he is not ill. And the school is already getting wise to it. BM still refuses to file the unruly child paperwork on SS when she has been advised to do so repeatedly by SS psychiatrist. SS does not always come for his visits to our home every other weekend now. He refuses to come sometimes which is fine with me. His hygiene has gotten even worse, he smells so bad that the room he sleeps in when he visits smells bad while he is here. He still gets urine and feces all over the toilet and refuses to clean it. I am stressed out whenever he is here and now I'm even more stressed because husband has mentioned a couple of times recently that maybe we should have SS come live with us to try and straighten him out, which is not possible. He's beyond what a parent can do. The thought of that scares me. I don't want him to live with us. I can't even stand his visits. I will be 60 years old in May. I do not want to raise this violent, mentally ill child. I have health issues already and can't take the added stress. How can I explain this to my husband without hurting him? I fear his reaction if I tell him I don't want SS to live with us. I am at my wits end about this. I don't want to lose my husband over this. His son needs residential treatment. BM has been told this repeatedly. Please help me. I need advice desperately.
     
  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Hello scaredofhim.

    I think you have to be honest with your husband. I think you deserve to feel safe in your own home and stepson is seriously ill. I'm curious as to if he has access to video games at your house.

    I understand what your husband is thinking. This boy is derailing, and he wants to fix it. Does the boy follow any rules at your house? Does he clean up his mess in the bathroom or his own room? Does he take his medications? Does he shower? If none of those things are happening on the few week-ends he does come over, then what is husband's plan for turning this around? This is a serious problem for which husband needs a serious plan.

    You are on shaky ground, though. Your husband wants to help his son, and that's a positive. Sadly, the child has lived for years doing what he pleases. If I were faced with your dilemma, I believe I would be looking for an alternative place to stay. You don't have to tell your husband "it's me or your child." Tell him that you are simply not healthy enough or trained enough to handle this boy. Tell him that you will participate in small ways - whatever that means to you.
    But find a place to stay where you can escape the battle zone. It will be a battle. I hope your husband is larger, craftier and more determined than this boy.

    :grouphugg: I offer you a consoling group hug for support.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I remember this boy. Wasnt he dangerous?

    If this is the boy im thinking about, he was a threat to everyone in the family. You're r husband wont be able to fix such a destructive boy and you are scared of him.

    You need in my opinion to put your foot down with husband or both of you can be at risk. If he loves you, he will listen and care what your fears are. Thry are valid. You csnt take csre of this boy when hub is at work.

    If he wont consider your fear or frelings...at least you know where you stand with him and you can decide to stay or leave, at least when ss is in your house.

    Im sorry you have this situation. You do have to take care of yourself. Hugs for your hurting heart.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Another thought: Maybe you can convince him that SS is best served living in a residential treatment center where father has input and can visit. But don't let husband, or your love for him, talk you into dealing with this disturbed and violent young man. You are right. He is more than ANY sane family person can help and you don't n eed him to make you sicker and kill you. I am 62. I could never do this. Neither can you.

    In t he end, you have to take care of yourself first, even though you love your husband. He is in denial just like bio mom.
    Maybe threatening to leave if SS comes there will wake him up. If not, at least you can plan a safe and sane and healthy rest-of-your-life. This boy was way off the rails long ago and discipline won't help...he won't listen to you or your husband.

    Hugs and more hugs...he sounds like he may have attachment or conduct disorder. Both disorders are serious and can turn violent and violent children don't belong in a family setting with older parents.
     
  5. scaredofhim

    scaredofhim Member

    Thanks for your replies pigless in VA and SomewhereOutThere. Yes he does have access to video games at our home and he is seriously addicted to them. That is all he does when he is here. H plays them from early in the morning and half the night. If you try and take away access he gets violent. He has threatened to kill his BM on numerous occasions, he has made veiled threats to me as well. He does NOTHING around the house when he is here, doesn't pick up his clothes, doesn't clean his urine and feces off the toilet, NEVER showers when he is here. To try and get him to do anything he doesn't want to do makes him angry. He gets no exercise. He's been hospitalized in the psychiatric ward twice. He eats, sleeps and plays video games and is reclusive. That is his life. His social anxiety is severe which is why he doesn't want to go to school. That and the fact that he is lazy, and so video game addicted that he actually has anxiety when he is away from the games. He never wants to go anywhere because that means leaving his games. I can understand my husband wanting to try and fix him, but he is totally beyond what parenting can do. BM stopped taking him to therapy at his child psychologist because he didn't want to go. He sees his psychiatrist once a month but just to get medication refills...no talk therapy is done by the Dr. And he is not even taking his medications any longer. He refuses to take them. I am afraid of this child and I will admit I do not like him. But I have always treated him with kindness despite my feelings. My husband and I have only been married five years but I have always treated his son well when he is here. But the child has gotten worse since I first met him. If husband were to bring him here to live with us, it would not change his behavior at all. He would still refuse to go to school and I would be the one to deal with that because husband goes to work very early. And I have no desire to have a battle with a 6 ft tall 260 pound violent adolescent every day. This child is my husbands only child and he is mentally ill. I have raised three children of my own who are fine, responsible adults and they were very normal children. I don't think my husband realizes just how abnormal is son is, because he has nothing to compare it to. I love my husband dearly, and I would never force him to choose between me or his son. But I cannot and will not agree to SS coming here to live. I am not healthy enough or strong enough to deal with this child. I am petite, only 4 ft 10. I refuse to be put in a position where I do not feel safe in my own home.
     
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You are in a difficult situation. If I remember correctly, your husband is no help when his son is home. I would put my foot down and let the chips fall where they may. I know that is not the answer you want to hear. Things don't change unless things change.
     
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  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It's extremely hard being the step-mom. Unless bio-mom and bio-dad are prepared to seriously step up to the plate, your hands are tied.

    I question the professional capability of the psychologist and psychiatrist and hospital team(s) that have dealt with him. There are serious mental health issues here, and maybe some developmental ones as well. Perserveration, social anxiety, disregard for hygienic and social norms... this kid needs serious help. Not a couple of therapy sessions a week (or month), and not hospital care, where the intent is to get them out of there as quickly as possible. He needs residential treatment - 24/7 care by staff who can handle him.
     
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi SoH,

    So, your hubby wants SS to come live with you?

    Does he have an actual plan in place for how he is going to deal with/change the son's behaviors? Has he really thought this out?

    I would have an in-depth talk with hubby about what may actually help this young man and how this can be accomplished. I know he loves his son, but that does not mean that he is equipped to deal with his son's very difficult behaviors. And there are only four short years before this boy is an adult, and you will have no power to get him the help he so desperately needs. Ask hubby how this young man will support himself as an adult when he is not getting an education now, and is not learning life skills and appropriate behaviors and social norms. He is getting more and more behind and needs to get caught up so he can become a normal, functioning adult soon. The adult world is not very forgiving or accommodating of deviant behaviors, and he is on a dead end road with only one destination, and it is not pretty.

    I am so sorry for you and your step-son.

    Stay with us.

    Apple
     
  9. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    I agree that you are in the unenviable position of being a step-mother. This situation was not created in a day. It's been allowed to continue for years. For starters, I never allowed Ferb to play video games on days he did not attend school. When Ferb had medication to take, the first thing I would have removed from him would have been video games.

    Essentially, this child's life is all topsy turvey. He's running the show, and he is content to hide in his filthy, fake little world. He has a very sad life actually. But this situation is not of your making, and it isn't up to you to tackle the big issues that his parents have not.

    I do recommend that you get a copy of the book Unplugged by Ryan Van Cleave. The video game addiction is one piece of the puzzle that is this boy, but there are multiple issues with him. I suspect that he may have difficulty learning in traditional ways and may struggle with the material at school.

    We had a large 15 year old join our class in November. The first few days at school he was sullen and angry and drew knives on his arm. He talked constantly about all the fights he has been in. (Some of which are probably true.) As we worked with him, we realized that he cannot read. AT ALL. Imagine being in 8th grade and not being able to read. We are working with him, helping him to learn the material with reading assistance from us, and my coworker spends time every day reading to him. Underneath that macho, angry façade was a scared, hurt kid who needed guidance. Every day he does a tiny bit better.

    I hope for your step-son's sake that someone is able to find a way to reach the boy hiding inside him. And beware of the dragon guarding the cave.
     
  10. scaredofhim

    scaredofhim Member

    husband has backed off for the moment on having SS come lived with us. I am thankful for that but hate it that I have to keep it in the back of my mind that it could happen eventually, especially in light of a recent development which has me even more concerned about his mental state and which I will post about it a separate thread.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hugs. I know how it is to even think about raising a dangerous child who can not assimilate into a family and hope your husband takes residential more seriously. Do not destroy yourself or any other kids, including neighborhood kids and your pets and neighborhood pets, for this already damaged child who needs 24/7 help. The child we had not only perped on our kids, but the neighborhood kids and my daughter caught him trying to strangle a neighbor's cat.He not only perped on my younger kids (shudder), he was GOOD at shutting them up from telling on him. And he killed at least two of our pets. We also believe he killed one of OUR cats, but nobody saw it. But one day this very homebodied cat just never returned.

    Obviously this child had a horrible past and he didn't even remember all of it. He is now 22 and living on his own. I see him on FB. He is still in serious trouble with the law. HE HAS TWO GIRLS, but fortunately his ex ran off with them. I doubt she knows he's on the sexual abuse predator list. I'm sure he didn't tell her and I'm equally sure she didn't check. Who would?

    It is not true that every child can be saved. I wish it WERE true, but some suffer so much when very young that that they are destroyed even before age five and can't be fixed. Do not believe you can be Wonder Woman. This ch ild needs around-the-clock monitoring and therapy and even then it may not work. But at least he'll have a better chance than in your house. You can't possibly deal with all those problems...and it is a risk to you, your husband, your other kids if any and the neighborhood. We lived it. I don't want YOU to live in. His deeds actually bonded our family closer than ever as we went through therapy, but it tears many families to shreds. I still feel guilty, like I should have known. You don't need that on your conscience.

    Hugs.
     
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