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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 598606" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Gran, I can relate to your story in many ways, I have a 40 year old difficult child who acts in a similar way at times, makes bad choices, is not easy to like and I am raising her daughter who is 17. I understand how tired you are and how much it all takes out of you. You also have a few more years of parenting your grandchildren, so you need your strength.............my best advice to you is to <em>make sure you take care of YOU</em>. After so many years of the trauma and drama of our daughter's lives, it takes a huge toll on us and especially when we are older................then you add in the grandchildren<strong> it's A LOT!! </strong>It's often too much. So, you MUST make sure you are nourished, cared for, supported and find time to enjoy your life. I sought therapy because that works for me, a support group for grandparents, a group for parents of mentally ill adult children (NAMI- National Alliance on Mental Illness has great support groups and a lot of information which will be helpful for you), 12 step groups, codependents anonymous, whatever works for you. The main focus must be on YOU, then you can do a better job of caring for the young ones. If you are depleted and exhausted, it doesn't work for you or for anyone. It's a difficult shift to take the focus off of "them" and put it onto US, but it becomes necessary so you don't literally burn out, get PTSD, get depressed or all of the above. Taking care of you is essential. </p><p></p><p>You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it's helpful. </p><p></p><p>Good for you for not giving your daughter any money and leaving her on the side of the road, that was her choice not yours. I really get how that made you feel, I've made those same choices and they're treacherous on us, <em>but necessary.</em> Notice that she found others to take care of her. My difficult child often sleeps all day and is up all night too.............work is not usually in the picture, they are adept at manipulating others until the "other" is depleted then they move on to the next "other". Little by little I've stepped back, detached and learned to accept what is.........I am powerless to change anything my daughter chooses to do and I refuse to continue to pay for her life, financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It took a lot of help and support to get here, but if I can do it, so can you. It's a process of letting go of all of it, including our dreams for them, what we so wanted their lives to be like. Letting go is hard, so that's where the support comes in, you'll need some form of support to shift over from taking care of all of them, to taking care of you, detaching and accepting and getting your own life back. </p><p></p><p>I feel for you, I<em> get</em> exactly what this is doing to your life...........take your life back and do it now. Keep walking away. Keep your distance from her dramatic life, from her choices. Face your fears about the worst that could happen and learn to live with that without stepping in to make sure it doesn't happen, it does no good. Take care of YOU. I send you warm hugs and always, wishes for peace..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 598606, member: 13542"] Gran, I can relate to your story in many ways, I have a 40 year old difficult child who acts in a similar way at times, makes bad choices, is not easy to like and I am raising her daughter who is 17. I understand how tired you are and how much it all takes out of you. You also have a few more years of parenting your grandchildren, so you need your strength.............my best advice to you is to [I]make sure you take care of YOU[/I]. After so many years of the trauma and drama of our daughter's lives, it takes a huge toll on us and especially when we are older................then you add in the grandchildren[B] it's A LOT!! [/B]It's often too much. So, you MUST make sure you are nourished, cared for, supported and find time to enjoy your life. I sought therapy because that works for me, a support group for grandparents, a group for parents of mentally ill adult children (NAMI- National Alliance on Mental Illness has great support groups and a lot of information which will be helpful for you), 12 step groups, codependents anonymous, whatever works for you. The main focus must be on YOU, then you can do a better job of caring for the young ones. If you are depleted and exhausted, it doesn't work for you or for anyone. It's a difficult shift to take the focus off of "them" and put it onto US, but it becomes necessary so you don't literally burn out, get PTSD, get depressed or all of the above. Taking care of you is essential. You might want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it's helpful. Good for you for not giving your daughter any money and leaving her on the side of the road, that was her choice not yours. I really get how that made you feel, I've made those same choices and they're treacherous on us, [I]but necessary.[/I] Notice that she found others to take care of her. My difficult child often sleeps all day and is up all night too.............work is not usually in the picture, they are adept at manipulating others until the "other" is depleted then they move on to the next "other". Little by little I've stepped back, detached and learned to accept what is.........I am powerless to change anything my daughter chooses to do and I refuse to continue to pay for her life, financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It took a lot of help and support to get here, but if I can do it, so can you. It's a process of letting go of all of it, including our dreams for them, what we so wanted their lives to be like. Letting go is hard, so that's where the support comes in, you'll need some form of support to shift over from taking care of all of them, to taking care of you, detaching and accepting and getting your own life back. I feel for you, I[I] get[/I] exactly what this is doing to your life...........take your life back and do it now. Keep walking away. Keep your distance from her dramatic life, from her choices. Face your fears about the worst that could happen and learn to live with that without stepping in to make sure it doesn't happen, it does no good. Take care of YOU. I send you warm hugs and always, wishes for peace.......... [/QUOTE]
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