It's complicated

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by what to do, Oct 5, 2015.

  1. what to do

    what to do New Member

    I've read a few of the posts and think many people here are dealing with similar issues as mine.
    My daughter will be 29 this week and today I discovered that she has once again taken one of my credit cards and used it without my permission. It is the umpteenth time we have been dealing with this and I'm at a loss as to what I should do. What makes the situation worse is that both she and my adorable 2-year-old granddaughter live with us and I can't just put them out. My daughter works full-time but does not make enough to pay for daycare and afford a place to stay. The last time this happened she agreed that she will get help and give me her paychecks so I can help her budget. She has given me her checks and claims she went to see a counselor but unfortunately I'm not sure I can believe anything she says. She does not do drugs or drink and the credit card charges are mostly for ridiculous stuff like snacks and coffee. She is a loving, caring mother and is always remorseful but that doesn't stop her from stealing again. I don't know if filing charges against her is in the best interest of her or my granddaughter but I also don't want to continue enabling her.
    I appreciate any advice you may have.

    Thank you!
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome WTD, I'm sorry for what you are going through.

    It doesn't matter if the your daughter is only charging simple things, it's theft and theft in any form is wrong.

    I understand that your intentions are to help your daughter, especially since she has a daughter of her own, however enabling is never helping.

    Your daughter will be 29 this week and the longer you enable her the harder it will be for her to ever gain her independence and take care of herself and her daughter.

    There has to be an end point. Think another 5 or 10 years down the road. Where do you see your daughter? You see, none of us will be around forever to take care of our adult children. It's much better if they learn how to take care of themselves now.

    It's not an easy journey but you are not alone. There are many here who understand. We all know what it's like to be where you are.

    I suggest you seek some counseling. While this site offers much needed support and advice a one on one with a good therapist will help you to better navigate how to set boundaries with your daughter.

    One thing I have learned is we cannot control our adult children and their choices. We cannot "love" them into being responsible adults.
    We do however have control over how we choose to respond to them. We have to change in order for things to change with them.

    I'm glad you found us here. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going. We care!!

    ((HUGS)) to you............
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  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Such a tough situation to be in. We are now raising our two granddaughters, because their mom never became responsible. She was our ex-dtr-in-law. I hope your dtr can change, not all do. I second getting counseling before giving and following thru with an ultimatum. Good luck. KSM
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    WTD I have three grandchildren by my daughter. We "helped" for 11 years and it was never enough. We always thought about the grandbabies, worrying for their sake. Unfortunately, this didn't teach their parents to be responsible.
    There is something very telling with this credit card theft for "little" things. Your daughter is taking advantage of your graciousness, and it can only get worse. We always learned don't bite the hand that feeds you. It is an old saying that has much meaning.
    I pray for you and your situation. It is really, really hard with a grandchild involved. I agree with Tanya that we won't be around forever to cushion our adult children. They have got to be able to stand on their own two feet!
    Counseling is also good advice. A professional can help strengthen you, and could counsel your daughter.
    Hugs from one who understands!
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  5. what to do

    what to do New Member

    Thank you all so much for your kind words. I've spent the day calling counselors and trying to get an appointment. They sure don't make this easy :(
    My daughter and I talked for hours yesterday and we agreed that we can not go on like this.
    I am pretty tired of being the enabler and want her to become independent and self-sufficient for her own sake as well as her daughter's.
    While she has had issues for many, many years no one has ever diagnosed her and she has not been in therapy. Based on all of the research I've done I think she might have Borderline Personality Disorder but then I'm not a doctor and don't want to misdiagnose her.
    Most of her problems have centered around impulse control and doing things without ever thinking of the consequences. I'm ashamed to admit that I've let her get away with way too much over the years and have not been good at setting boundaries even though I know I should.

    I appreciate everyone's input.:grouphug:
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thanks for the update. I'm glad you are working on finding a counselor.

    You love your daughter and that is nothing to be ashamed of.
    Many of us here have simply loved them too much, hoping that our love would be enough to make their life better.
    It's hard to accept that our love and kisses will not make everything better for them like it did when they were little.

    I'm glad you were able to sit down and talk with your daughter.

    You are doing great.

    Keep us posted.

  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    There is help with daycare for low income individuals. There is housing for low income families. There is child support enforcement. There is wic and food stamps. It can be and is done everyday.
  8. what to do

    what to do New Member

    Based on her income of $13.25 an hour she is not eligible for any assistance whatsoever unfortunately and the father of the child is not paying child support. The daycare costs $200 per week and to be honest I thought it would make more sense for her to pay back the credit card debt on my cards that she has racked up than to pay rent somewhere else. She doesn't have her own transportation either.

    I'm glad she is working and has had the same job for almost a year. She really was well on her way of getting herself together until a month or two ago. I can't figure out what happens that makes her 'snap' and start the downward spiral again.

    I ordered a safe where I can securely store credit cards today... why haven't I done this sooner??? I hate I have to take such measures to protect myself in my own house.
  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, IC

    How are things going? Is your daughter following through on all her promises?

    Stay with us. It's a process.