It's done

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Blondiesbf, Aug 27, 2011.

  1. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    He's out. It pains me tremendously, but he's out. $87 to his name til payday in two weeks. Thought he would stay here until he could get it together but if I let that happen, then I wouldn't have really meant what I said about getting help or getting out.

    Told him, via text, this is no longer his home. Told him to arrange for a 'friend' to get his stuff. Told him as of 1 Sep he will have basic phone.

    He came back for I don't know what. Hubby was not here and I didn't know what to say. He didn't leave the house key like I told him to so I went out to his car and took it off his key ring. Guess that makes it pretty official.

    He peeled wheels out of the neighborhood. Didn't make me feel any better about this. Trying to hold onto the anger so the sadness doesn't creep in and devour me.

    I pray to God for him. And I still hold hope.
     
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) Sending strength your way.
     
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to kick your child out of your home. It was the hardest thing we ever did, but I am convinced it was the one thing that finally caused her to get help.

    Nancy
     
  4. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    Hubby came back from the pool after all was done. Told me he talked to the wife of a lawyer who lives just up the street. Had explained our situation with difficult child. She said all we had told him about the consequences of his DUI are true. There are additional consequences we didn't know about. difficult child thinks his first offense will not result in stiff penalties or jail time but he is wrong.

    Guess I am the 'bad guy' for now. Hubby is going to make contact with difficult child and offer to take him to talk to the lawyer so he knows what we said is true...and then some. Counseling will help his case. difficult child believes he will only have to go to a drug and alcohol class...that's it. The lawyer will talk to him for free and take his case for $500 plus. If it takes a stranger to get that lightbulb in his head to turn on, I will take it. (See, there's that hope I keep chasing!)

    We will NOT pay for the lawyer. difficult child will have to sell his laptop and whatever else to pay the man. We will not be monitarily burned by him again, though we can afford it. That is not the point. He needs to feel the pain of all his poor choices.

    So, as it stands, hubby is the one who will remain in contact with Ricky...not me. I will no cave to the love, concern, hurt and fear that threatens to well up inside me. I suppose if one must look for a silver lining in this very dark cloud, it is that I have finally found the strength to do something that is extremely painful...but is none-the-less the right thing to do.

    What a way to gain something good, right?

    Thank-you all for being here. It's sadly nice to have people that understand and don't stand in judgement of me.
     
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What consequences did this person tell you your son was likely to get? I know every state is different but here a first offense usually does result in just a drug/alcohol class and fine. I'm not saying thats right or wrong, it's just the reality here and many other places.

    Nancy
     
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending many hugs.
     
  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Sending you strength and hugs. We did this too and it was the only thing that ever helped. You didn't make this decision lightly, trust yourself. Also, do not listen to those people who say or think you're a "bad parent" and "no wonder he's like this". They have not walked in your shoes. Hold your head up and know you're a mom who's doing EVERYTHING she can to help her child, including having him leave.
     
  8. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    Have not seen or heard from Ricky. He has his car and the clothes on his back. That's it. I thought he would have sent someone (of my liking) over to get his clothes but nothing yet. He also never picked up his phone charger. I have no doubt he has less than $87 to his name today.

    Feeling numb but standing by my decision.

    Is is wrong to hope or am I just fooling myself and building up to more let-downs?
     
  9. troubled

    troubled Guest

    Nothing wrong with letting a little hope simmer on a back burner while you get used to the idea of him being out of the home. I shifted focus on myself and other family members as much as possible to ease the worry that tapped in my head with thoughts of my difficult child "out there". It's hard to accept a change and feel "free" again from the pain these difficult children cause while living with you. I don't like the fact that he's not collected his belongings yet but perhaps he's not sure where he would be keeping them OR he might believe you just need some time to cool off and then you will let him come back. I know my difficult child was beyond belief that I would truly put her out for good.
     
  10. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    He came and picked up his clothes. He and 3 other 'friends' are going to get an apartment eventually. Like he can afford it.

    Hubby talked to him about what's coming with his DUI. Still not sure he gets it and not sure he's going to talk to the lawyer. For someone so intelligent, I swear his brain has all fallen out of his head!
     
  11. Bean

    Bean Member

    It is hard to know what's "right" or "wrong" or what will make a dent. I think it is often many instances that lead up to that moment. And time. Time, repeated stupidity and consequences. The main thing you're drilling in is that the lifestyle and choices he's making are not conducive with living in your household. There are consequences to behaviors. Seems these difficult children have a harder time learning that. Hopefully he can sense that - and soon.

    Kicking someone out isn't easy. It's not just the action of doing it, but the day-to-day reminder of it, and choice of it. Every time you see them, every time they ask, you have to make a choice to cave, or a choice to stand strong. I know it isn't easy. Sending hugs.
     
  12. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    A week later, and difficult child is living in a mobile home a couple towns over. Near his job so he can walk when he loses his license at the end of the month. I've only had one text from him...to tell me Border's sale is really good and I should go get some books. That's it. He talks to hubby almost everyday. I've told hubby he is being too easy on him...helped him move into the trailer. Taking his computer over tonight. Buying his laptop from him so he could pay his deposit. Just STUPID! I was willing to buy the laptop so he could retain a lawyer. Only half the money went to the deposit and he had the other half for himself. Again...STUPID!!!
    I'm surprised how 'hard' I have made myself against him. But it has also left me in a funk. Hubby needs to stop helping him in little ways and let the boy start truly experiencing the consequences of his choices...though that will come at the end of the month when he goes to court for his DUI. Sigh.
     
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