It's hit the fan.....

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I wondered about the FB connection myself. I tried to explain this whole thing to Tony the other night because he met Linda in Cleveland and he sorta knows about the stories on the board and he was "gobsmacked" too. I talk about the people on the board around the house all the time to the family like we are talking about family members so they have a semi-working game plan of where I am coming from when I say my friend "X" had this happen to her. LOL. Tony was astounded that first the twins were actually 18 and second that this could happen.

I just hope Linda is safe and stays safe now. I am worried about that now since it appears that biomom is large and in charge with Kt and WM in tow.
 
I'm sorry for the heartache and heartbreak you must certainly be experiencing L T!

I think this kind of junk is more common than anyone would ever guess in adoption.

Our "special needs sibling group" of three had been bouncing around in the system for YEARS before the state pursued involuntary Termination of Parental Rights. Silly-naive me was surprised our future kids weren't parentless... As in their bio-parents weren't dead. Our social worker explained that for as long as there has been a child welfare program.... Our future adoptees' bio-family has been churning out kids, letting the government raise them, only for them to return to bio-family to perpetuate the cycle. The government got the bright idea to TPR and let these kids be adopted by decent families to "break the cycle". (I wish I had asked for their track record with that philosophy!!!! )

I now question the ethics of "adopting out" children with living biological parents. Don't get me wrong... I don't think adoptive parents have behaved unethically to have given love and time, nurturing and a home to children who were abused by their birth family, but perhaps "long term foster" would have been a much less painful route for all.

They promised us, and told us to promise our kids "a forever family.".

Was that ever REALLY possible?

Please understand it is with much empathy I'm praying for you and the adult children you have poured so much of your life into!
 

JJJ

Active Member
I now question the ethics of "adopting out" children with living biological parents. Don't get me wrong... I don't think adoptive parents have behaved unethically to have given love and time, nurturing and a home to children who were abused by their birth family, but perhaps "long term foster" would have been a much less painful route for all.

They promised us, and told us to promise our kids "a forever family.".

Was that ever REALLY possible?

Please understand it is with much empathy I'm praying for you and the adult children you have poured so much of your life into!

I think a lot depends on what kind of abuse the child suffered, how long they were with the birthparents, their personalities and their unique mix of mental illness/developmental delays. Prior to going the adoption route, I "interviewed" every adopted person that I knew (of course, they were all sane which skewed my results) and the majority did not want to search and those that did were curious, not looking for their 'real' family.

I think that SW's should not be putting severely abused children into homes that are building their families through adoption. The dream of children and the horror of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)/etc do not mix well. But I have seen several families who had raised their first set of children (whether birth or adoption), then go back and adopt severly abused children, but their motivation was not to be parents, it was to save a child and that made all the difference in how they survived the ride.
 
N

Nomad

Guest
TALAN (((((hugs)))) Your post is heartbreaking.

I have had a similar thought in that I no longer believe that families who have a biological child should adopt. (There are a few exceptions, of course, like adopting a relative whose parent has died).

I understand that this is somewhat radical a thought. But, I think it just seems to bring on additional burden. Of course, if a biological child comes into the picture later....so be it. But, I think that it is better if there isn't a biological child to begin with and there are no concrete plans for a biological child. In our case and in many other cases that I'm familiar with, when the familily is "mixed" with one or more bio and an adopted child, it just seems more difficult and very often it is VERY DIFFICULT ENOUGH.

I think the entire system is in trouble and too many people are hurting. I also strongly suspect that there is a lot of misleading information being fed to adopting families and generally speaking, not enough support provided to those families.

In my area and in the surrounding areas, there now are adoption support groups and I like this concept. They have informational meetings and occassional family get togethers. I remember when the one in my area started. It was mostly for parents of young adopted children. I spoke with the president about how many adopted children end up with ADHD diagnosis and she denied knowing what I was talking about. I signed up for their emails. Sure enough, in about six months "in response to so many requests," many of the guest speakers were psychologists with a special interest in ADHD! Hmmm.

Another thing that REALLY bothers me, is so many people I know (myself included), adopted a child because of health concerns. A pregancy would have been very tough for them and also for their family members. So they adopt. They willingly disclose to the agencies that they have a "special need." And then they are handed an infant who is likely to have their own special needs due to genetics (however, this is kept SECRET). And then there are two health problems within one family. Yep, it could happen in any family, but it is just a double burden and one that is often devastating. Factor in that often this health problem is mental illness, and many insurance policies don't cover treatment very well (IF at all) and it ends up being a huge financial burden as well.

And folks who give their love so freely,do all the extra work, spend all this extra time and money...have their lives turned up side down for decades and then in the end, their children wont or can't attach and disappear...the loss is inconceivable. And, sadly, I agree that this stuff is probably more common than anyone would suspect.

Sending good thoughts and special prayers to Linda and all the parents who have adopted and the adoptees on this board.
 
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