It's just hard

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Sep 28, 2010.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Friday M had husband move his stuff and drop him at a friend's house to sleep on the couch. This after registering for classes this summer, skipping the first week, not making the class, keeping the tuition grant, and this being the third term in a row that he has blown off a class. Guess what? They aren't funding him this term. No money.

    He didn't look for work all of that time. Not to mention he trashed those people's apartment while they were gone. And he tried to tell us that he was registering for fall term and hoping for a check today.

    Last night he called to ask if he could study at our house on the computer. husband said he would ask me, and I said no. I had to work today. Besides, he's not in school, he only wants to come over to find a place to hang and maybe a place live. Not here. No way.

    I have to admit, I felt bad. I feel bad. But in amongst all of that is remembering that he has been entitled to being taken care of his entire life. And his arming himself with my butcher knife in case I told him to go to bed instead of staying up all night to play video games. And stealing my coin collection and many many other things and never once saying he was sorry. And saying we beat him so he could get out of participating in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) therapy. I don't want him at my house. I feel badly that I don't want him at my house but that's just the way it is. Sometimes there are things in your life that you feel badly about. People die, you feel bad. Someone is ill, you feel bad. You lose your job, you feel bad. And your kid is 24 years old and has wasted the last seven years taking advantage of people and burning all of his bridges and never once learning that he has to get a job and pay his own way, and you feel bad.

    Is he going to end up on the street? Maybe. I hope not. There aren't programs around waiting to take care of young people the way that they used to. Will I not like it? You bet! My vision is of him riding around on the bus or train all day and night to keep warm and getting mugged or harming someone else. It's shades of the fears that I had when he left our house all those years ago. But he can't come here. He's done nothing to show that he's changed because he hasn't changed. I did what I could. I know he hasn't hit bottom yet, but maybe he will. I'm angry. But I'm not feeling guilty. Tired. Disappointed. There are lots of unpleasant adjectives for how I feel right now. Guilty and vulnerable aren't amongst them.

    Anyhoo... I knew that several of us are going through this now, and I wanted to share my apathy with you. That's it. Apathetic. :whiteflag:
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry you are feeling so many unpleasant feelings. It is hard when you see your child in the cold light of reality and the picture is pretty ugly because your child is doing/has done the things M has chosen.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh my goodness, it sounds exactly like what I am dealing with. I feel for you, too. It's heartbreaking. I have horrible visions of difficult child if I was to kick her out but I just can't live like this anymore. :(
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm sorry, Witz. Sorry that you feel so many unhappy emotions and sorry that M is still making poor choices. I like that you're protecting yourself, H and your home. Hugs~
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Yup. Pretty much the way I feel about K. I can't tell her no she can't come back to ohio........but I can put my foot down and say no she will never stay in my house again.

    It doesn't mean we don't feel all of the normal emotions associated with them and the situations they get themselves into. It doesn't mean we don't love them and don't care what happens to them. It doesn't mean that we will forever have hopes that at some point they'll wake up and say What in hades am I doing? and turn their lives around.

    Being a parent and loving your child doesn't mean you have to be taken advantage of, used, abused, ect. Just because they're your kid doesn't entitle them to treat you like dirt.

    I have a very huge feeling K, her husband, and 3 kids are going to appear on my doorstep and ask to be taken in until they can get a spot in the shelter. Will I feel like a major heel when I tell them NO? You bet. I'll feel like total ****. But it is K and her husband's behavior that have made that necessary, not mine. As adults we've learned we have to accept the repercussions of our behavior. They have to learn it too.

    But unfortunately, it honestly doesn't make us feel any better about it. It just prevents us from letting them treat us like crud under their shoe.
  6. MrsMcNear50

    MrsMcNear50 New Member


    I'm right there with you sister. I've even moved in with a friend so I don't have to deal with SB wanting to come back home. After the last episode of her staying at my home for 6 weeks and doing nothing to move forward, I had to get out of the situation. Moving in with a friend took all the pressure off me and put it back on her. She is now staying on the 3rd couch of a friend, who knows how long that will last.

    Meanwhile, I am enjoying my life. Of course there are times that the unhappiness of her life overwhelms me. I cry, I cuss, I pray. But I am certain, that I am doing what is best for her. I continue to remind myself daily, Where there is life, there is hope.

    Hang in there my friend.


  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Hugs to you, too, Julie. Your situation has been inspirational to me.
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator


    It is what it is. {{{Hugs}}}
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs, Witz.
  10. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Hugs, Witz. The disconnect between what we want and hope for them and what they choose is painful. Glad you're taking care of yourself.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs witz. Im sorry things are so hard right now.
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, all. My laptop's power supply outlet has been falling apart so I have been offline for a few days. I want you to know I'm really glad that you are here for all of us when we need it. No one understands like you do.
  13. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Just wanted you to know I continue to read this thread, Witz. I still have nothing of value to add, other than that I hope things resolve for you, soon. It's heartbreaking, and life is so short, but it seems impossible to turn away from our troubled kids (however old they are!) without doing major damage to ourselves. Maybe you could try that technique we were discussing on the other thread. You know, remembering back to something that used to be a source of pride and personal nourishment, and bringing that feeling into your life, now?

    Heaven knows our difficult child kids aren't going to be providing any particular sense of pride or personal nourishment for us!


    P.S. Oh, wait. I thought of something positive. At least, it helps husband and I. We know a woman with like, eight kids. Six are doing well. (I mean REALLY well !~ millionaire well.) Two are doing badly. Of those two, one is doing REALLY badly. With an exasperated shrug of the shoulders, this woman describes his situation this way: "difficult child 2 doesn't have a pot to p*ss in or a window to throw it out of!" She cannot account for the difference in her children. With all that help from extended family and siblings, the two difficult children are still difficult children.

    Small comfort Witz, but all I can offer.

  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I think they just plain get "stuck" in adolescence and can't find what it takes to move forwards into the real world. It's terribly sad and an awful waste of potential. You all have done everything you could do. on the other hand, I honestly know it is beyond difficult facing the reality of having a stunted growth kid. Many hugs. DDD
  15. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    (Hugs) Witz. A lot of times we are hanging in the balance with you and husband, with our difficult child. It hurts sometimes to say no, but you have to do it to preserve your own sanity. I've always said that the whole family doesn't have to go down because of one person. Still, sometimes, it rips your heart out.