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It's Not Even 8:30 am...
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 498555" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>First off, KUDOS for realizing that you shouldn't all stay home because difficult child had a tantrum. My reaction when I read your post was that since your husband said that you would stay home if difficult child didn't want to go, then husband could stay home and you and easy child should take whatever $$ you would spend on the whole family bowling and go bowl, go out to eat, maybe see a movie, make a fun day for you and easy child and let BOTH husband and difficult child see what they missed out on. ANd be SURE to let difficult child know that since he didn't go, you spent the $$ that would have been spent on his and dads bowling/snacks ALL on you and easy child. Since there is no more $$ for that activity, he missed out until the family has enough saved to do it again.</p><p></p><p>Often our kids are concrete thinkers. So letting them know that the $$ for the activity was not saved for when they want to do it is very very powerful. It might trigger another tantrum, but is another very logical consequence and one that WILL make an impact.</p><p></p><p>Having a great family outing was AWESOME and the best outcome possible, in my opinion. I am sure he was shocked that you would go with-o him. He NEEDS to see that he does not control things and your "rudimentary" logic was excellent. I would urge you to get your husband up and involved or tell him to stay silent. One of the WORST things we can do is just yell at our kids from another room when we have NO intention of actually enforcing anything. Your husband probably thought he was somehow helping you, but all he did was show difficult child that it wasn't a big deal to Dad and that Dad is NOT going to get involved. I know this will likely shock your husband, but it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>Do you have a copy of Parenting wiht Love and Logic? It is an excellent book that many of us have found super helpful. I liked it for a few specific reasons. First, it made sense to my husband. NO other parenting book or book about Aspergers was read by him. He promised to read them, he listened when I spoon fed sections to him (which really ****** me off - if I was going to read them and do the hard work to understand them, why wasn't he??? But he did other things and we worked through that issue.) but he never used the techniques for more than a day or two. Inconsistency is worse than nothing at all wth our kids, Know what I mean?? L&L was different. I found it very logical and I guess it had enough "guy speak" that it appealed to husband - he read it all and USED the techniques consistently. We still do but it is very different with no difficult child in the house.</p><p></p><p>Love and Logic works to use natural and logical consequences while strengthening the loving bond between parent and child. One thing I found supremely wonderful was that it does NOT say you have to have the punishment happen right when the problem happens. I always HATED that. I do better when I have a little time between the problem and the consequence. Even as a kid I thought it was idiotic to think that kids "cannot" remember what they have done to earn a consequence. How stupid do people think kids are? SOO many books and 'experts' say that if the punishment doesn't happen right away then it means nothing to kids. Kids are not dogs. By 3 or 4 they can remember things and they can tell everyone at church that you said "Sh$$" on Tuesday, so even if they dont' want to tell you that they colored on the wall, they know they did it and they know they don't get their markers for a week because they did it. </p><p></p><p>L&L USES the time you take to think of the best consequence as PART of the consequence. They have you tell the child not to worry about it, you will tell them later what the consequence is. What happens if you tell someone not to think about something? They can't stop thinking about it. IT WORKS. OF course there is more to it, and you need to read the book to use the technique most effectively, but it is an amazing book, esp if used iwth The Explosive child.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 498555, member: 1233"] First off, KUDOS for realizing that you shouldn't all stay home because difficult child had a tantrum. My reaction when I read your post was that since your husband said that you would stay home if difficult child didn't want to go, then husband could stay home and you and easy child should take whatever $$ you would spend on the whole family bowling and go bowl, go out to eat, maybe see a movie, make a fun day for you and easy child and let BOTH husband and difficult child see what they missed out on. ANd be SURE to let difficult child know that since he didn't go, you spent the $$ that would have been spent on his and dads bowling/snacks ALL on you and easy child. Since there is no more $$ for that activity, he missed out until the family has enough saved to do it again. Often our kids are concrete thinkers. So letting them know that the $$ for the activity was not saved for when they want to do it is very very powerful. It might trigger another tantrum, but is another very logical consequence and one that WILL make an impact. Having a great family outing was AWESOME and the best outcome possible, in my opinion. I am sure he was shocked that you would go with-o him. He NEEDS to see that he does not control things and your "rudimentary" logic was excellent. I would urge you to get your husband up and involved or tell him to stay silent. One of the WORST things we can do is just yell at our kids from another room when we have NO intention of actually enforcing anything. Your husband probably thought he was somehow helping you, but all he did was show difficult child that it wasn't a big deal to Dad and that Dad is NOT going to get involved. I know this will likely shock your husband, but it is what it is. Do you have a copy of Parenting wiht Love and Logic? It is an excellent book that many of us have found super helpful. I liked it for a few specific reasons. First, it made sense to my husband. NO other parenting book or book about Aspergers was read by him. He promised to read them, he listened when I spoon fed sections to him (which really ****** me off - if I was going to read them and do the hard work to understand them, why wasn't he??? But he did other things and we worked through that issue.) but he never used the techniques for more than a day or two. Inconsistency is worse than nothing at all wth our kids, Know what I mean?? L&L was different. I found it very logical and I guess it had enough "guy speak" that it appealed to husband - he read it all and USED the techniques consistently. We still do but it is very different with no difficult child in the house. Love and Logic works to use natural and logical consequences while strengthening the loving bond between parent and child. One thing I found supremely wonderful was that it does NOT say you have to have the punishment happen right when the problem happens. I always HATED that. I do better when I have a little time between the problem and the consequence. Even as a kid I thought it was idiotic to think that kids "cannot" remember what they have done to earn a consequence. How stupid do people think kids are? SOO many books and 'experts' say that if the punishment doesn't happen right away then it means nothing to kids. Kids are not dogs. By 3 or 4 they can remember things and they can tell everyone at church that you said "Sh$$" on Tuesday, so even if they dont' want to tell you that they colored on the wall, they know they did it and they know they don't get their markers for a week because they did it. L&L USES the time you take to think of the best consequence as PART of the consequence. They have you tell the child not to worry about it, you will tell them later what the consequence is. What happens if you tell someone not to think about something? They can't stop thinking about it. IT WORKS. OF course there is more to it, and you need to read the book to use the technique most effectively, but it is an amazing book, esp if used iwth The Explosive child. [/QUOTE]
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