Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Its not him, its us.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 172703" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Allie, you said "I know it starts with us..."</p><p></p><p>It doesn't, not always. It starts with the child. He existed. He was born. Then he was handed to you. That is when he met you face to face. THEN you came into his picture.</p><p></p><p>OK, that's a bit simplistic. But I'm with MWM, I'd be looking beyond merely ADHD (and ODD shouldn't be even getting a mention just yet - too many other considerations). And I HATE it when therapists always assume it's ALL parenting (or even SOME parenting) especially when they aren't being specific and explaining exactly WHERE you could lift your game.</p><p></p><p>And it's not always therapists & doctors who blame parenting. difficult child 3 had been identified as having language delay; we already knew we had one son with ADHD (difficult child 1's diagnosis at the time); we also knew that difficult child 3 was a prodigy in other ways; and he had begun pre-school with the increasing realisation that there was something really wrong. And yet, very soon after difficult child 3 had been provisionally diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (later changed to autism) another mother, a close friend and close neighbour who herself had a profoundly disabled child, expressed surprise and disbelief at difficult child 3's diagnosis. "He's not autistic," she said. "He's just a naughty, spoiled child."</p><p></p><p>You need to thicken your hide. However, you also need to be able to at least consider what they tell you, because there is always the chance that there IS something you could change, in your parenting, that could help improve matters.</p><p></p><p>In some cases I feel that yes, environmental factors can really cause problems in a child's behaviours. But often, there is an underlying problem which is there in the child. In a number of cases, this underlying problem may get worse with some types of parenting style. You may have other children who flourished under your type of parenting, but then along comes one child for whom this is a disaster.</p><p>That doesn't mean that your parenting style caused the problem. But it DOES mean that by changing your style, you can IMPROVE the problem.</p><p></p><p>It really depends on a number of factors. A really important part of the process, is to really look at your child. Try to get into his head - what makes him tick? What does he like? What does he hate? What drives him? Then observe his interactions with others, including his interactions with you. Can you identify what triggers his explosions or episodes of bad behaviour? If you can, then can you determine a point at which you can prevent these problems? Are there early warning signs you can learn to spot, which you can use to help change the future?</p><p></p><p>This means changing parenting style for one child. It doesn't seem fair. But sometimes you can adapt the new style for the other kids too, and find it works.</p><p></p><p>We keep pushing 'The Explosive Child" because it has done so well for so many of us. Not everybody sees the same degree of success, but I would say the majority of us do.</p><p></p><p>It's not a cure. And that fact in itself should make it clear that for the vast majority of difficult children, parenting was NEVER the cause. But changing to this and finding improvement - it's a blessing for so many of us.</p><p></p><p>To get a sneak preview of the book, have a look at the posts at the top of this particular forum. They discuss how to apply the book to younger children. Then see if your husband can read up on it too, see how he goes with trying to understand it. Talk it over with him, kick ideas around, ten see if by this time you're noticing any changes in ANY of your children. I know it sounds weird, but I saw improvements in difficult child 3 before I had even made any changes (I thought) to my parenting style. Simply reading the book changed me enough to begin the modifications to my parenting.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 172703, member: 1991"] Allie, you said "I know it starts with us..." It doesn't, not always. It starts with the child. He existed. He was born. Then he was handed to you. That is when he met you face to face. THEN you came into his picture. OK, that's a bit simplistic. But I'm with MWM, I'd be looking beyond merely ADHD (and ODD shouldn't be even getting a mention just yet - too many other considerations). And I HATE it when therapists always assume it's ALL parenting (or even SOME parenting) especially when they aren't being specific and explaining exactly WHERE you could lift your game. And it's not always therapists & doctors who blame parenting. difficult child 3 had been identified as having language delay; we already knew we had one son with ADHD (difficult child 1's diagnosis at the time); we also knew that difficult child 3 was a prodigy in other ways; and he had begun pre-school with the increasing realisation that there was something really wrong. And yet, very soon after difficult child 3 had been provisionally diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (later changed to autism) another mother, a close friend and close neighbour who herself had a profoundly disabled child, expressed surprise and disbelief at difficult child 3's diagnosis. "He's not autistic," she said. "He's just a naughty, spoiled child." You need to thicken your hide. However, you also need to be able to at least consider what they tell you, because there is always the chance that there IS something you could change, in your parenting, that could help improve matters. In some cases I feel that yes, environmental factors can really cause problems in a child's behaviours. But often, there is an underlying problem which is there in the child. In a number of cases, this underlying problem may get worse with some types of parenting style. You may have other children who flourished under your type of parenting, but then along comes one child for whom this is a disaster. That doesn't mean that your parenting style caused the problem. But it DOES mean that by changing your style, you can IMPROVE the problem. It really depends on a number of factors. A really important part of the process, is to really look at your child. Try to get into his head - what makes him tick? What does he like? What does he hate? What drives him? Then observe his interactions with others, including his interactions with you. Can you identify what triggers his explosions or episodes of bad behaviour? If you can, then can you determine a point at which you can prevent these problems? Are there early warning signs you can learn to spot, which you can use to help change the future? This means changing parenting style for one child. It doesn't seem fair. But sometimes you can adapt the new style for the other kids too, and find it works. We keep pushing 'The Explosive Child" because it has done so well for so many of us. Not everybody sees the same degree of success, but I would say the majority of us do. It's not a cure. And that fact in itself should make it clear that for the vast majority of difficult children, parenting was NEVER the cause. But changing to this and finding improvement - it's a blessing for so many of us. To get a sneak preview of the book, have a look at the posts at the top of this particular forum. They discuss how to apply the book to younger children. Then see if your husband can read up on it too, see how he goes with trying to understand it. Talk it over with him, kick ideas around, ten see if by this time you're noticing any changes in ANY of your children. I know it sounds weird, but I saw improvements in difficult child 3 before I had even made any changes (I thought) to my parenting style. Simply reading the book changed me enough to begin the modifications to my parenting. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Its not him, its us.
Top