It's official. I'm done

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Sep 19, 2016.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I just found out this weekend that my longtime, online boyfriend cheated on me. Another woman sent me a PM on Facebook telling me he sent her penis pictures and told her he loves her (Yes, that is cheating in my book.) I confronted him about it. He immediately admitted it. Tried to make up for it by saying he has really low self esteem and that's why he did it. Begged me to take him back. I refused. Cheating is a deal breaker for me.

    I have been cheated on many, many times. Too many to count. Each time hurts worse than the last. I gave my trust to this man. This man told me he loved me, cherished me, and adored me several times a day, every single day, for the last year and a half. He sent me gifts. He treated me like a queen. He told me he wanted to marry me. He planned to relocate to California next summer. What a crock of s***.

    I just turned 45 a couple weeks ago. At my age, I'm just DONE. I am done trusting men. I will be old and single forever. I refuse to let this happen again. If I turn out to be the crazy old cat lady in the neighborhood, so be it. I guess love wasn't meant for me. For now, I am depressed and having a hard time dealing with this. I don't need this right now. But such is life. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
     
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Cali.

    Don't give up, though.

    Aren't you glad you found out about this guy now, rather than later?

    I met my beloved in my 40s. It's not too late. Give yourself some time to heal.

    Apple
     
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Don't give up but give yourself time to heal.

    I wouldn't do long distance. Too hard.
     
  4. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    CB. I'm 56, widowed at 42, and NOT seeking another relationship. You are not ready for a relationship because you have not yet proven to yourself and others that you can be complete without a man.

    Until you do the hard work of completing yourself by yourself, you will keep becoming involved with the same sort of schmucks. Once you no longer need to be in a relationship and can live your life by and for yourself, perhaps, only perhaps, a man, who like you is complete unto himself, will come along, and together you and he will make something greater than the sum of your two parts.

    First of all, age doesn't matter unless child-bearing is an issue. Believe it or not, when the right man comes along, weight and looks won't matter, either. You're not old unless I'm elderly, and I'm surely not elderly, at least not all of me. (parts of me are well on the way)

    And who knows, an older gentleman might turn out to be your soulmate. Don't limit yourself. Your cis female and are attracted to men, so we know your soulmate is likely to be male, but other than that, work on growing yourself into the best self you can be, and don't limit yourself. Stay away from the online relationships for a bit as you tend to get in deeper than you're ready to be.

    First, learn about yourself. You can't have a soul-to-soul friendship with anyone else until you have that relationship with yourself, and hon, you ain't there yet.
     
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  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry. Cheating is a deal breaker for me also. At least you found out about his lack of character before you moved to be with him.

    Give yourself time to heal. A REAL man, one who will be true, will come along when you least expect it. I met my husband at a time when I did not want or need love. I had NO intentions of going out with him, in fact disliked him on sight. We just had our 25th anniversary, so it could happen to you too.

    Cheating is cheating, and your definition is very valid. I actually think emotional cheating is the worst kind, which this sounds like. An old friend went through this. She was done with men for good too. I totally understand how you feel and I hope you will go easy on yourself as you grieve the relationship and for his lack of character and moral fortitude (to borrow an expression from one of my grandma's, lol!)

    I am sorry that you have had such a hard time lately. At least your son is not sick any longer, and it wasn't cancer! I think I forgot to post how grateful and thrilled I was that he got the all clear from his doctor!
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Gone North speaks wisely. I was complete by myself and that is one thing my hubby loved about me - I didn't need him or need to cling to him. Not saying you cling, but until you are okay with who you are, and okay in your own skin, you won't attract the right man. Not even if a friend sets you up and manipulates you as much as my friend manipulated me. (long story for another time!)

    (((((hugs)))))
     
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  7. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Susie brings up a valid point: I thought my husband, who was my soulmate for 26 years, was an insufferable jerk the entire time I worked as a stagehand on a show he was star of. Helluva singing voice, sexy as all get out, and man, could he dance, but he had an ego as big as all outdoors. Ugh.

    And then I walked out on the terrace of a big house on Lake Michigan at the cast party when that show finished its run, and found him leaning on the retaining wall...in tears and shaking, because he couldn't handle the people grabbing at him to get him to sing "just one more song"

    any longer, and didn't know how to tell them to leave him be...

    And I realized, hell...he's just a frightened kid. And I talked him down, and then we talked some more, most of the evening...and the rest, as they say...is history.

    That's how it usually happens. Totally unexpected. A friend of mine met her soulmate at the gym, in the free-weight room. She dropped a 20 lb barbell on his foot!

    Fact is, you just never know.

    And I agree again with Susie, the cheating is a deal breaker. It's breaking trust, or the rules by which you've agreed to conduct your relationship. I also agree that emotional cheating is MUCH worse than physical cheating.

    Take care of yourself first, CB. Learn to love yourself. And once you do, you'll be ready for the right person to love you, and you'll be able to love them in the right way. Hugs! GN
     
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  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    The other ladies are correct - you never know what will happen.

    After two marriages ended in divorce, I was also done. I bought a house for me and my daughter (5 at the time) and went along my way, until I found a note on my car one evening after work. It said, "If your name is Mary, call me." And there was a phone number. Intrigued, I called. It turned out to be a friend from high school, who was too nervous to ask me out at that time, but somehow remembered my personalized license plate.

    We dated about four months and got married, and attended our 20th high school reunion as husband and wife. And he still won't dance with me!

    They show up when you're not looking. I was NEVER going to get married again. NEVER. It's been 16 years.
     
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry.
    I agree with KT. "They show up when you're not looking."
    I was seriously considering breaking up with someone. I was in another city for a temporary job and my mother was there and was very sick and it worked out well.
    Anyway, I remember saying a quiet little prayer outlining the type of person I wished to eventually marry.
    I made the decision to break up with the person I was dating when I got back to that other city.
    I also honestyly and sincerely made the decision that no matter how long it took I was willing to wait for teh proper person.
    Through a series of insane circumstances, I was introduced to my husband by an elderly person I worked with. She insisted we go out. Too long of a story to go into. BUT, when I tell the details of the story, people just stare with their mouths open because it is a WHOPPER. Neither one of us intended for us to ever go out again. We were trying to appease an elderly person.
    We were perfect for each other. I flew back to see my boyfriend and broke up with him.
    Me and this other person were married six months later. We've been married over thirty five years now.
    It's had ups and downs and big challenges due to life stuff...difficult child stuff has been taxing.
    But, he fit the description I said in my prayer exactly and is a blessing. I am most grateful.
    But, in my humble opinion, it was simply when I told my Higher Power and sincerely meant it that I was willing to wait, that the earth moved.
     
  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It is o.k. to not be in a relationship. I think that he was more of a distraction from what you were dealing with in real life. You could make him into anything you wanted him to be. It felt good. It was time you could escape from the bad feelings of anxiety and depression. It wasn't real. You do not miss him. You miss the dream of who he could be.

    Focus on you. Take the same amount of time you spent on him and invest it in yourself and your kids. Until we are happy with ourselves people will let us down. Other people cannot make us happy.
     
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  11. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I know I can do without a man because I did without a man for years after the kids' dad and I broke up and I was actually a lot happier then than I am now. It's just hard when you get used to talking to a certain person every single day for a long time, then that person suddenly isn't there anymore. Especially when he was the only person who could really talk me out of a panic attack. For the past few days I have almost accidentally messaged him during an anxiety attack to tell him about it. Then I suddenly remembered he is no longer there anymore. It will take me awhile to adjust. Thank you all for your kind words.
     
  12. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    CB. That's just what I'm talking about. The ONLY person who can properly get you through a panic attack is YOU. Using something outside of you, be it medication (oh don't I know about this), or a person (and this) is a lead in to addictive behavior.

    You can't depend on anything outside of you to manage panic attacks. PLEASE, PLEASE get into counseling for the panic disorder. You have to learn the tools to "talk yourself through" the attacks.

    I made the mistake of depending on my husband to carry a lot of the weight of my mental health problems. When he died, the wheels plain effin' came off, and i became very ill, and came very close to committing suicide.

    14 years later, I am still not fully healthy. I am still rebuilding some type of complete GN that can stand on her own and use her own coping tools.

    I don't want you to have to go through what I went through over and over again, each time a relationship ends.

    I can get through panic attacks. (I can also kill my own centipedes, which is a BIG deal as I'm phobic. I sweat. I shake. I get nauseous. But, I still kill the buggers.) I can mostly get through my anxiety, but I'm on medication and my bipolar is mostly under control, which is a big deal. I don't feel that yours is yet.
     
  13. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I am currently in therapy and so far it's not helping.
     
  14. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Then you need a different therapist, and perhaps more belief that the right therapy can help.
     
  15. mcb1964

    mcb1964 New Member

    Eh, don't give up. Just learn from the experience. I learned young the more flowers, the more gifts (especially jewelry), the more cheating the male. I do not trust gifts until the person giving them has earned my trust.

    Owning a jewelry store has reinforced this. A couple of years back, we bought an entire collection of Tiffany pieces from a woman getting divorced. Turned out, every time he cheated, he went to Tiffany's and bought her something and she wanted rid of it.

    I don't think you need therapy. You need time to heal and you can do that. Stay busy with what you like to do. Don't know what that is? Start doing stuff that sounds interesting to you. You'll meet people who are turned on by the same things you are and one may end up being the love of your life and one may not, but by that point, it doesn't much matter because you've taken the situation into your own hands and built something that doesn't depend on just one person to make it complete.

    Time heals all is trite. But it's true. Hang in.
     
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Something else that's trite but true is, "It happens when you aren't looking."

    My ex was ... terrible. He had good points. He'd give the shirt off his back to a friend. Unfortunately, he expected me to pay for that shirt, and everything else, but have no car, no friends, no life of my own outside of him and my office...while he laid around the house, drank a 12 pack a night, and cheated on me.

    After my divorce, I never wanted to date again. It was 2 years before I had any type of dates and almost 4 before I met Jabber. And I fought meeting him tooth and nail. I didn't want to go out with him or anyone. I was fine and happy just living alone, working, and raising my son. A mutual friend actually had to plan the entire date and just say, "This is what you're doing Sunday night. Be ready and meet him at my house at 6, I'll babysit." After the date, I said goodnight, quite formally shook his hand, collected my kid and went home; my friend called and asked if she could give him my number - I hadn't even done that! He called the next night and we never spent another weekend apart until after we'd been married a few years!

    Every decent, long-term relationship I ever had happened when I wasn't looking for a man in my life. I think that maybe the contentment you have when you're just good with how things are, maybe is something that attracts other people.
     
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