Its only getting kids will be homeless and in prison

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Dec 11, 2014.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Daughter is refusing to get up for school again, making excuses once again. Two classes is all and its still hell. All she wants to do is stay on the computer and be a hermit. She refuses to do her homework as well still issues with bathing. She has no interest anymore to get a job or her license in just over a year. She will get no where in live and will be homeless as an adult.

    Son also refusing to get ready, only been playing for an hr instead. Wont to his H.W. either the names the violence the threats just dont stop, he will have a roof over his head-IN PRISON.

    I have no faith in my kids anymore, they will never be able to function-I see this now. Im also dropping both kids from the schools and enrolling them to the Public school and letting them go to Juvenile courts. I know, their father will get custody of them because I cant get them to go to school. I REFUSE to go to Jail for anyone .. so me getting arrested for them not going to school- Ill take other options first.

    It makes me Ill how she hates me and tells me shutup, sons threats to kill, damage, bad names every single day..every single year. I told them they need help and I just cant seem to help them anymore. They are my life but they dont care. They dont. No remorse esp son. None. Its ALL about them, if its not - BOTH kids give hell until no return. I dont think daughter has remorse or cares either.

    They are both grounded but this never works matter how long or what I take away.

    I thought all these years I was being punished as were my kids because of anything I did from my first breathe of life.. then I lately thought.." Maybe just maybe I was put here as well as my kids to better help others and start programs and help sites etc... " But Im going back to my first thought....Because you see, its my kids, my exes, my so called family n friends.

    Son is playing daughter is asleep again..... its time to leave but they dont care.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    I'm not from the States, and our laws are a bit different (parents can't be jailed for not being able to force kids to go to school)

    But... my kids refuse to go to school. And it's for reasons husband and I really understand. For them, school IS torture. There is nothing in the school "system" that works for them. We've tried.

    One of them is doing on-line schooling. It's still a challenge, but that one might graduate. But even the curriculum works against these kinds of kids.

    I'm not so sure your kids "don't care". It's possible that school is the worst possible alternative.
  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I am so sorry Confused. I think about you often and gosh darnit, send them to go live with their father now. Give yourself a break for the love of God before it gets worse. If I had that option, I would have taken it years ago. Your relationship will improve with your children once you don't have to tolerate this. You're not a bad mom if you send them to go live with their dad.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • List
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with Insane C that online school is your best solution. My oldest daughter, who got into drugs, was yanked out of school by me and her dad and put in online school. It worked well. She did work as she wanted, finished early, got a diploma and eventually went on to college. It did not make her stop using drugs. She had to do that later. But it got her that important diploma.

    I still think you need to look into residential treatment for your son. Your daughter sounds classically autistic. They have narrow interests and you can't change's part of the disorder. Most of the time that circles around technology. And many kids on the spectrum don't understand why "typicals" care so much about hygiene. My son is twenty-one and still not th e best with hygiene. He is getting a little better. He understands now that others care if he stinks, but, hey, he's twenty one!
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  5. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to send big hugs your way. You are doing the absolute best you can right now and I really hope you find some solutions that work for you.
  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I just had, for the first time EVER, my therapist ask me who in the family my sociopath daughter reminded me of. When asked that question I had an immediate reaction of her behaving like my maternal grandmother. All those years I beat my head against the wall blaming myself and asking myself what I did wrong for her to turn out this way and in the end the answer is it's in her DNA. Just wanted to share so maybe you can begin to think outside the box (of it's me) and maybe that knowledge of who the children's actions reflect will allow yourself to dial down the self-blame. Once you let up on the self blame maybe you can distance yourself just enough to make better decisions of what best meets the needs of your children. If they need to leave the house and go into programs for more help than you can give, so be it. Just remember it can very well be nothing you did and everything to do with what DNA they were born with.
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry things continue to be so rough. Don't lose hope yet. If I had placed bets when my difficult child was your son's age I would have thought he would have ended up in prison as well. He is still a difficult child and always will be but he is doing so much better. Trust me my difficult child was a lot like your son. He would say the rudest things (still does to a point), was incredibly violent, threatened to kill me, damaged much of our house. We still have holes all over our house from when he was little. He once pushed me down a flight of stairs. In a manic state he tried to strangle my husband while he was driving (with a thin piece of string. He hid his feces and smeared it all over his bedroom furniture. He urinated on his Legos and in his bedroom.

    Over the years he was hospitalized 6 times. I really did think he had no kind of future. However, after years of therapy, medication trials, a good IEP, this place, and good teachers, consistency he is doing really well.

    Also, when my daughter was your daughter's age she also didn't want to get her driver's license. We finally had to force her. She went to school (under duress) but didn't do any homework. At 18 she told us she wasn't ready to be an adult. She is 21 now and finally going away to college.

    To get through all of this I needed to keep a warped sense of humor, come to this place a lot, exercised, and eventually I went to therapy for myself.

    I do know how hopeless you feel right now and I want to send some understanding hugs your way.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  8. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you everyone..Ill read when I calm down and quit crying. Again this morning this so called life of hell starts in repeat mode. Son throwing things wishing I wish dead, daughter yells leave me alone when I nicely try to get her up and yells" if you leave me alone Ill get up or I wont go to school" Well same line before and when we left her alone she still didnt get up. They wont bathe and smell and look homeless, wont do homework. Im just getting to a place what does it matter?

    Christmas is a joke no offense. But here its all about them gifts esp son even demanding stuff now and Christmas is only around the corner. If not, its a living nightmare...I thought of sending gifts back but frankly I dont feel like looking for receipts and running around town and dealing with online refunds.. I dont have the energy.Plus some there was no receipts and no returns. Im going to wrap their stuff leave it under the tree and stay in bed all morning. I wont be there to watch them open it because they just have no emotion( I know asperger part is thats her probable) but still.....son gets mad if he doesnt get a gift he wanted or exact type. So who cares to watch that?
  9. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Donate it all to charity and leave them a nice note telling them it has been donated in their name !
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Having two difficult child kids is hard. And often, what would be a good idea for one of them, is exactly what works against the other one. been there done that.

    For example, I might be inclined to use 2m2r's approach for your son, but not for your daughter. Probably Asperger's ... is as hard on her as it is on you. It isn't her fault she doesn't show emotion "normally".

    But of course, you can't take that kind of approach with just one kid. I really feel for your dilemma.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I feel for you.

    I would definitely taper off on the gifts. I keep all of my receipts in a folder. A red folder. I wrote "Christmas" on it in big black marker.

    Still, they will learn that it is a holiday of giving, whether they give to you or not.

    When my son yelled at me like that (and when he still does) he loses privileges. With him, since he loves his video games and phone, that's what goes first. Of course, he became violent and aggressive and grabbed my wrist and bruised my arm, but somehow we made it through. He learned quickly that I would follow through, even if it meant bruises. And yes, I have taken to my bed crying. But then I get up again and start all over.

    You've got to find what your kids think they need ... electronics, privacy ... does your daughter lock herself in her room? Take the door off the hinges. :)
  12. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    2much2recover.. good idea! I am trying to teach them abut those in need esp kids and how they can help.

    InsaneCdn..I know its not her fault or my sons.. but in a way being told its all my fault by several people.. doctors say its Probable and Rule in Rule Out.. It makes me feel its my fault they dont show emotion because theres no other official diagnose. I really felt and in a way that theres just something more with them... its not all me

    TerryJ2..., school day this Monday, Im clearing everything from his room except his bed and bulky furniture.Clothes too except one outfit. All his toys in the other room and outside ...away!!! When he plays with the kids on the block that will be his only " enjoyment". His is still outside his favorite but If I take that away Im punishing myself and family. Hard choice! Tell me about bruises, I got another from him when he pushed me on my shoulder. Im glad it worked w your son.Yes daughter stays in her room, if she had a bathroom and personal chef in her room, we'd NEVER see her :( Her punishment is no Electronics she panics and making her stay out here with us.
  13. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Insane, I know about the school issue but I read a article about Aspies not ever wanting to set foot in school again once they are out. Plus this school is specifically there to help them and work them.. they even have Occupational Therapist (OT), speech etc coming in for them. How will she function at a job or college if she cant handle two hours with kids like her and other issues. But.. Im going to consider it anyway.

    GuideMe, I know and even though I asked them if thats what they wanted ( they said no) I just dont feel they would be better off nor would I. Their father unless hes changed ( No alcohol, no violence, he says nothing wrong w my kids it my he believes in the belt etc) I dont see that as an option. Plus Im their mom, its my job and my love that has to get them through this..

    MidwestMom, glad it worked for her school wise. Your son , yeah like my daughter will always be an issues I guess? They dont see the dirt or oily hair, dirty teeth..doesnt bother them? I dont feel like a residential program would be right.. its like Im abandoning him or a bad mom? I stayed for just two weeks in one for refusal of school and it did nothing,( I know two weeks in nothing) sis stayed for few months violence, no school.. did nothing for her but resentment. I don't know. Maybe Im wrong.

    Californiablonde, thank you and hugs to you.. I hope all is well with you too, I need to catch up with everyone here on you all :)

    2much2recover,How do I stop blaming myself? I mean, yes I made some wrong choices that I feel bad about. But when most say its me, how do I not blame myself? I cry and wonder why everyone on my block and other places I know have almost no issues , the life they want, can do what they want, etc why not me? I say it that its DNA but again, DNA my fault!

    Wiped Out,your son almost sounds like mine..except for the urinating and smearing but son doesnt care when he has accidents in his pants he will sometimes stay all day in it. Im glad he and your daughter are doing better. I wish I could see ahead 10 years or so...
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you are susceptible to believing what people tell you, don't let them talk to you about your kids. Put a boundary up that you refuse to let them cross. They do not talk to you about yourself, the mistakes they have inside themselves that they project onto YOU and walk out of their homes or hang up the phone if they cross your boundary. Put them on "time outs" if they refuse to respect you. That means, no-contact for a day or so until they realize you are not going to tolerate their talk about how this is your fault.
    Sounds like this could be partly your ex's DNA too working here.
    At any rate, they can only make you doubt yourself if you listen to them and allow their words to be the truth. Do they have Ph.D's in psychology? If not, their advice is from cluelessness or the inability of them to admit that their taking up so much of your time and their own bad behavior is a huge part of your children's environment. I'd do all I could to refrain from conversing with the clueless blamers. Do the chores you feel you need to do in a quiet way and don't fuel the fire by adding to their criticism. Ignore it and move on.
    The boundary thing is awesome and works if you are consistent. If you are not, that is your own decision, but it does cut off the criticism.
  15. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I know but its hard when its my Grandpa .. I been going less to his house and walking out a little more when he this morning. Thank you hugs
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Or just ignore his babble. What does he know about your kids? He doesn't have the education to have a clue about them. And he isn't helping one bit. Tune him out. "La, la, la, I'm not listening" sing it in your head. I'm serious. And don't answer him at all so he has no fuel to continue. Don't defend yourself. Radio silence.

    You can do what I did with my 90 year old father too. I don't know if you are brave enough to do so, but nobody your age should have so much illness that is stress related. I'm 61 and don't have half of what you do and I think it's because I act on it when something is stressing me out.

    "Grandpa, I am glad to help care for you, but from now on, when I am in your house, you have to speak to me with respect and I will respect you too. If you don't, I'm sorry, but I will not stay there." Then be firm about it. At the first sign of abuse, leave. You have to be VERY diligent at first, but it does get easier as they learn the they have to accept your very reasonable and simple-to-follow boundary or find other help/company. It is not his right to make you doubt yourself. That makes it his choice to have your there or to not have you there. He can be respectful of you. There is nothing stopping him. And there is no reason to take abuse from anybody and I don't care how old he is or how sick he is. You are not cutting him off. You are giving him a reasonable option.

    You can't help your children if others are making you doubt yourself. Think of it has helping your children. This grandfather has to right to be mean to you. And you don't have to chose to listen.
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2014
  17. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Confused, just because it may be in you family shared DNA doesn't mean you have the difficult child DNA. Look around both within your family AND the father of your children. Most likely there you will find a clue.
    Also I strongly believe as the saying goes: When you know better, you do better. Perhaps there are times in raising difficult child that you may have done differently now than you did then. This just makes you HUMAN. I like to say that there is not one human that has both done something shameful AND should not be held to that act for the rest of their lives (most violent/repeat criminals excluded)
    Changing how you deal with a difficult child starts by beginning to forgive yourself and to ultimately get to the point where YOU STOP PUNISHING YOU. Forgive yourself and start to love yourself instead of beating yourself up with all the what ifs, comparisons to others, and wishing (denial) that it was different.
    Once you start loving yourself - then you will be able to find the help within both the medical and mental health community. My guess is, right now, when someone chooses to place blame on you, you just agree and then become shameful and the pattern repeats itself. Once you feel good about yourself and you get negative messages from the medical/psychiatric community, you will be able to blow off their false accusations and look for people who better understand your situation.
    If you get nothing else from what I am saying please understand that some very psychologically some very UN-sound people tend to go into "helping fields". These professions are increasingly being overwhelmed as well. So of course if you are dealing with a so called professional that has mommy issues she/he is going to blame you. Finding the right people to help you and your family isn't easy but it takes both courage and strength - sometimes even to stand up to some of these so-called professionals and say you don't agree with the evaluation. (Yes a psychiatric doctor can be an Ahole)

    Also I think you need to go to domestic violence groups - having such a young man say he is going to kill you is quite serious (maybe they have more knowledge of resources for you - even call the hotline or 211 the national hotline for social services). Maybe it is safer for you if they do go live with their father for a while. It is not that you would be giving up - just be giving you a break for a while. Fear is a big issue when giving your children to their other parent but know this, when you make "RIGHT" choices for both yourself and your children, you are not a bad mother at all. Neither are you a failure as a mom. You are just an overwhelmed, with little resources mom, who for obvious reasons is becoming more and more burnt out. Hard in any family but especially hard for a single mom.
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I agree you won't get an Aspie back in school, or at least, not "school"... sometimes they will take adult upgrading, where they don't have to be around teenagers.

    However... my drop-out difficult child is working. Full time. Has gone through a few jobs, for a number of reasons (some very valid). Is finding that jobs with a small number of employees, and no teenagers, seems to be working best. difficult child says "way less c.r.a.p. that way". difficult child also wishes there were a time machine available... to go back 100 or 200 years, because... back then, the way the world worked was far better for Aspies. And I'm not sure he's wrong.

    But it's harder for gals than guys, to not graduate...
  19. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you all :) Ya I know.. but either way I look at it, in the genes, still my fault! I know I shouldnt force my daughter to do things, esp school or hanging with someone ( in my new thread and not like I always force her just this day Ipray it goes that way she relaxes and agrees to go as planned). Like school she just has to go because if I try math.. ha, she will fail! She refuses a tutor thats just not an option.

    I know MidwestMom, and Im just done with it all. I just see me and my kids working on things which is what we need. I get blamed daily for simple things and I just cant take it anymore. Others say Im just dumb because what gpa tells them so ya, makes it worse.

    2much2recover-your right its exactly how I feel. And as I mentioned here I found an anger management group for kids and adults here but I was waiting for a diagnoses. But the heck with it maybe they can help me find someone who can help. Ill call them for sure.

    InsaneCdn,Im glad your difficult child is working and Im trying to understand the peer issues. But my daughter is slipping worse and worse not wanting to hardly go anywhere but a store once blue moon. ( plus math I cant help her) I just dont feel letting her stay in her room all the time will help her. Uggh I feel she needs anxiety medications, she refuses, what do I do?
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your daughter is still a minor, but you are slowly heading in the direction that those of us with grown kids are in.

    There is nothing you can do to cure your daughter if she is old enough to legally refuse medication and therapy. Each state has a different age for that. Ours is something insane like thirteen. Also, if she refuses help of all sorts, what are you supposed to do? Force help into her head? You would have to go to the courts for that and then she'd be in the juvenile justice system, hardly a place where she is likely to get help. However they CAN force her to, say, go to a residential treatment center.

    You may want to try emotionally stepping back from the kids a bit, like we do when our kids are of legal age. If the problems your kids have, and others in your life, are truly not things you have any control over, then it is healthy and smart to not take any of their words or deeds personally and try to heal yourself. You are not required to take on all of their emotions nor are you required to take what they say personally. Your son is very angry and has issues...his words don't really reflect your worth or anything about you. Your daughter also has issues. Her words say more about how she feels about herself, most likely, than you, yet she won't get help. So what are you supposed to do??? Detaching is good. Same with grandpa, dad and sister. You put too much on your plate to take any of their words to heart. Just because somebody says something about you does not mean it's true.

    The truth about you is you are kind, overly giving and put all your effort into others. If anyone says otherwise, they are not telling the truth, so who cares about a lie? Yes, lies can hurt, but you can choose to think of the lies in a different light, such as disturbed people just mouthing off and not thinking first.

    You are facing some problems that people with adult children have. If you are legally unable to force your daughter into treatment or to take her medication, then accept that she can not get better until she wants to do it. You can't do it for her. You can't do it for anybody except yourself. You can make things better for you, but not the adults in your life and not your daughter. I have no idea what I'd do about your son...maybe for him residential would be helpful. I'm not sure how you'd go about that. He'd get 24/7 care, school, and treatment and his abuse would be on them. Yes, young children can be abusive. They are certainly not as accountable as an adult, but some children can not safely live at home and for the sake of the others in the house and the child himself, out of home treatment may be best. That's within your power. Changing anybody who is totally unwilling to listen to you just will not work and it is not your fault.