I've been told it's time to take care of me....

[timer lady]

For all of you who have heard this before please raise your hands!

We say it here all the time to other warrior parents who are under a great deal of stress. I may have to rethink this before I "open" my mouth.

Big question: where do I start? What do I ignore. Let's see ~ bills must be paid. Medications must be filled & taken (kt & myself). Running my household daily. Hmmmmm, dog must be cared for ~ come to think of it I have a cat as well. kt is in crisis mode & I have 1 sometimes 2, heck there are days when 3 therapeutic staff show up here; kt has staff here 7 days a week ~ do I ignore their queries; skip "family therapy"?

I will soon have workmen in here to remodel my bathroom so I don't fall on my head getting out of that darned clawfoot bathtub I so loved when husband & I bought this house; after that's done I'm moving the laundry to the first floor for the same reason except going up & done basement stairs. I was informed this is a huge priority; safety issues. I need a new roof on my house. Probably shouldn't ignore those things as it makes my home functional & dry.

There are 7 voicemails waiting to be heard.....I plan on doing that today.

wm needs to see me more often - he feels abandoned. His staff is willing to transport him here....wait a minute, kt is here. Can I get kt out of the house? My question....who's going to get wm out of here once he gets here. He's too emotionally volatile. Foster mum & I both know that wm will refuse to leave. Hmmmmmm

I have in home nursing (2x a week) & PT (3x a week). That's becoming intrusive as well. Then I have counseling once a week plus all these doctors who ordered the in home but must see me one to two times a month. (Okay this is taking care of me but it's becoming to much & I cannot keep up.)

Oh, husband died & I'm supposed to grieve. Wait...I'm not to upset the tweedles. I can cry but I cannot be human; I must remain a "therapeutic" mom.

I was told by my neuro doctor this past Friday that something has to give or I'm going to end up in the stress/depression unit at the hospital. He's recommending a 30 day stay. I'll try to fit that in...sometime next May.

 

[house of cards]

I don't have any magic wand, I so wish I did. It is hard but all you can do is keep putting one limping foot in front of the other. I don't know why some people get so much dumped on their shoulders, after a few years of telling yourself it will get easier, even that starts to ring untrue, but I don't believe that. I believe it will get easier eventually, I just hope we both last that long. I would be crawling out of my skin with folks coming into my home 7 days a week, even if they are there to help.

 

[goldenguru]

Hi Linda -

You have so much on your plate - you really need a platter

Seriously, what does 'taking care of you' mean to you? Whatever it is, try to schedule a little time everyday for that. If it is quiet time to read, or sit on the porch, or sketch or take a nap. MAKE IT A PRIORITY every day.

And don't be afraid to ask for help. Sometimes we get the "superwoman" mentality. Ya know - I need to do it all because I'm the only one who can do it. If people offer, let them help by all means.

Hang in there!!

 

[Andy]

Are staff willing to pick you up to take you to wm? That stress of getting there and back on your own would be relieved.

Yes, it does sound overwhelming.

Taking care of you at this point may mean looking at those very few minutes between things and applying some relaxation techniques. Before you open the door to that next in-home, close your eyes, deep breath, and think a happy thought. In other words, keep bringing peaceful focus back onto you.

I wish I could help somehow.

 

[Wiped Out]

Linda,
I so wish you lived nearer to your family. I know they would be a huge help. In the mean time do what you can to find some peace. You have so much going on that I agree with the others about grabbing a bit of "me" time whenever you can. Wishing I could do more to help-where is my magic wand?

 

[Hound dog]

Linda

I agree, you're plate is full. You need a platter.

I know what you mean (somewhat) about all the stuff you have no choice about. But around that try to taken an hour to do something you enjoy doing...even if it's just reading a book or something. At the moment my schedule is almost as chaotic with running for mother in law and trying to get her house sold ect, on top of difficult child stuff and normal stuff. My hour a day is spent playing a computer game I love. Silly, but it does help.

((((hugs))))

 

[DammitJanet]

Linda....they kept saying that to me too but no one stepped in to actually allow me to do it. Take care of me? When? Oh...between taking Billy to and from work, attempting to cook dinner, wash clothes, keep the kitchen clean, go to all my doctor appts, clean the house...etc. I havent been able to do my "duties" much less take care of me.

And I didnt have anyone die on me. You have even more on your plate. You also have the tweedles to add more stress. I would be in a ball by now. You have my admiration for how you have handled this. You must be ready to bite someone's head off by now.

 

[Shari]

Linda, sometime back they told you to take 30 days off. Gosh, its probably been 2 years ago...and we all thought "holy cow! how?" But it worked then.

Is your neice still coming?

 

[KTMom91]

Linda, I don't even know what to say. I am completely in awe at your strength and determination. I think I'd be a puddle by now. I agree with Lisa on trying to find an hour somewhere in there that's just for you. And when the bathroom is finished, hop right into that new tub/shower and stay there till the hot water runs out!

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry things are so rough. Maybe some of the in-home people should be given housework to do and the dog to care for? Can the bills be set up on auto-pay to cut down the time that chore takes?

What about having kt stay in respite? It would give you a small break. Or have her in home people stay overnight while you go to a hotel and get a massage and relax for a couple of nights?

It sounds like it is NOT the time to have wm visit you at home. You are not physically strong enough to deal with the emotions and behaviors that would be involved in having him refuse to leave and be taken out forcefully. And you could get hurt.

Give the people making these demands on your time a copy of your schedule. Ask them where you can fit anything else in with-o going crazy. Ask them what THEY will do to support YOU so that you CAN do the things you need to do.

Maybe one of your SUPPORTIVE family members can come visit for a week or 2 and take some of the chores off your hands?

Are most of your medications ones you take every month on a long term basis? Can you work with a local pharmacy to deliver medications on a schedule? I know some pharmacies will autofill prescriptions and send them to you via delivery person or even the US Mail. They just fill them every month on the same day as long as there are refills. They also contact the doctor a week before the refill is due to get authorization for a new prescription.

Two local pharmacies here offer these services. They have just about cornered the assisted living facility medication market AND the busy 2 working parent family medication market also. It would save you time and energy once it is set up.

Have the in-home people let the dog out to potty. Mabye make a walk with the dog part of your therapy routine (even if it is just around the front yard). Have the in-homes or kt feed the cat. Cats will cuddle with you on their terms. So except for flea medications and other medications, they will care for themselves.

HIRE someone to clean the house if you don't have someone already!! Even if it is just for a month or two, have them come in on a weekly or 2 times a week basis to deal with stuff.

The in-homes have queries, etc.... Do they know their jobs? Do YOU know their jobs? Have someone pick up a 3 copy carbonless receipt pad for you. Have the in-homes write down their non-urgent questions on the pad. They leave the pad in a set place. When you have time to deal with the questions (all at once, or at 2 or 3 times in a day, say 8 am, noon and 7 pm?) you WRITE the answers down on the pad. Then YOU take a copy, the in-home gets their copy and one copy stays in the book for reference. It can stop them from asking the same ?? over and over - they can look it up. It is a way for you to keep track of the questions AND your answers.

It also stops them from interrupting you constantly as you try to cope with the enormous load you are carrying.

These are just things we did to cope at times. The notepad is something my mom did with us when I was in jr high and high school. She was dealing with the onset of a chronic illness, the onset of MY chronic illness, and a lot of other stuff, including my gfgbro and his antics. It really helped us a LOT.

The notebook is on the idea of he communication books we send to school with our kids to have the teacher answer questions, give progress reports, etc...

Whatever happens, PLEASE take care of yourself!! You are a very special lady who is under incredible burdens. I want you to see a happy, healthy kt achieve success in life and a career, a wm who makes good, safe choices, and all the wonderful things the future carries. I don't want to hear about your funeral or long term stay in a hospital and rehab center. I don't want you to have that kind of pain. You have more than enough pain already.

We all love you, Linda. So do many, many other people. PLEASE take care of yourself.

Gentle, gentle hugs,

Susie

 

[gcvmom]

I second what Shari said -- where's that lovely niece of yours? Can she get there a little SOONER?

If not, here's my magic wand (ceremoniously hands it over whilst wearing sunglasses to shield her eyes from the glittering brilliance of a bazillion encrusted gems). Use it judiciously, but use it!

You are getting more than enough done. Are you taking time to paint? Maybe the doctor just means for you to pencil in the "me" time along with all the other "to-do's"... Even if it's just a 1/2 hour a day. Sometimes if we don't plan for down time we never take it.

 

[ML]

I can't think of anything you wrote that you could let go and not do. At some point we have to find what our limitations are and accept our humaneness and ask God/Higher Power to step in and take over and trust that our kids will be ok and the world won't end if we don't get to everything on our list. Prioritze. Do first things first and don't be too proud to ask for help when you need it.

I don't know, a 30 day stay doesn't sound half bad to me about now lol.

Hugs,

ML

 

[Star*]

Put the claw footed bathtub for sale on your local Craigslist - even if it is worn - they have ways to resurface it.

Take the money you get - Minimum $350 -

And have one of the therapists for KT stay with her while you scoot out of the house for 2 or 3 hours -

Buy yourself a pedi/mani - stop and get a nice drink of latte or something and stop by Michaels and get some more paint or drawing stuff.

The rest ? Bank it.

(something like that)

 

[TerryJ2]

The stress/depression unit at the hospital is sounding pretty good to me right now, assuming they allow chocolates and magazines.
My husband's mom had that happen once. She collapsed on the floor (she was cleaning the steps at 3 a.m. after everyone went to bed) and was taken to the ER, where they put her in a bed for a wk, ran tests, and finally told her nothing was wrong with-her.
"I got lots of sleep, though," she said. "That was the best part."
No kidding.

 

[timer lady]

Sorry it's taken so long to respond ~ I've been a "tad" stressed.

Thank you, ladies. You're all a bigger support system than you can possibly realize.

The SW called again today & in a somewhat threatening manner "suggested" I voluntarily admit myself to the hospital. I kindly refused - not because I'm being difficult but because hospitalization for that length of time would cause more stress.

I told SW that if she felt my grieving was inappropriate or my coping skills weren't to their standards to please bring someone to my home & help me. Inpatient isn't helping. And I hinted that she didn't want to take me on ~ maybe the wrong thing to suggest but it's true.

I spoke with my therapist (whom I'm seeing weekly) & he was out of town on vacation but took the time to return my call. He suggested I preempt the call to my doctor asking for inpatient & call myself. He will also step in when he gets back to town (late tomorrow night) if necessary. He'll be calling me from the airport tomorrow morning. See, I can advocate for myself.

I don't meet the criteria for a 72 hour hold ~ I know that & so does SW; my therapist started laughing at the suggestion. I asked if SW would find me a nice beach in Bimini, take care of my animals, answer all the tweedle calls, find a place for kt I might take her up on that.

This is nonsense & another stresser I just do not need. I'm concentrating on rebuilding my physical & emotional well being. I'm parenting my children & managing all the day to day issues of running a household.

I'm sorry I went off on another vent. I just don't have patience for this unless I get in writing how everything I handle will be handled in my absense. A guarantee, if you will.

I'm tired, grieving ~ stress is just a way of life with difficult children. You all know that. We take our moments when we can & enjoy them.

I hope you are all cherishing your husband's & SO's. We may get angry, not agree, & argue, I don't feel I did enough & in the end I really miss husband. He contributed far more than I gave him credit for. For that I'm angry; for that I'm sad.

 

[tinamarie1]

First, I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. That alone must be a huge weight that you are carrying.
I thought I understood how "funny" it can be when people say "take time for yourself"
Until I read your posting here. You truly are pulled in a million directions. I wish I had some advice. I wish I could come over to your house and do whatever you need for help. AND...I will if you live in my neck of the woods (so pm me if you do!)
I just want to send big hugs your way, and thank you for opening up to us about all of this. I will be praying that things get a little easier for you.

 

[Star*]

Sounds like your social worker is ON a vacation - from REALITY -
ugh......

Seriously -who does she think she is to want to force you into the hospital? - I would summise from her lack of bedside manner that she missed compassion 101 in college along with, been there done that lab, and how to effectively communicate with people dealing with grief.

And she calls herself a counselor? Maybe she needs a dictionary?

Sorry Linda -
Sometimes when we personally are too close to the situation we refuse the help that is coming our way -which only further complicates our situation, but the fact that you can see NOW into the future about what this little 2 day break would do to YOUR future? I think that says a lot.

I guess all I have left are (staring daggers at this caseworker/and maybe an occasional voodoo doll jab) and hugs for you. She really lacks a tsp. of compassion. Maybe you should tell her I said that too - I'll even send her a measuring spoon so that when she GETS it 1/2 full we can celebrate her victory.
Putz....

Hugs
Star

 

[susiestar]

Who Does that SW Think SHE is? WTH does she think threatening you will accomplish??

Does she not SEE all the people you have successfully taken on to get the help your kids need? Why does she tihnk you will not take HER on? Ask for a new SW!! Complain BIG TIME about this idiot's lack of professionalism and realism!

Of all the idiotic things, to think she knows enough about your situation to force you into ANYTHING????

Let us know if the CS POSSE needs to roll up there and deal with her. I HATE idiots.

Gentle hugs, and continue to take care of yourself! I think a pre-emptive call to the doctor would be excellent. I know at one point I had to do that - and it was teh doctor's NURSE that I was preempting!! The nurse said I needed inpatient psychiatric treatment because I have fibro and needed a refill of my pain medications every month! The doctor ended up firing her over it.

So I know how obnoxious this kind of thing is!

Gentle hugs and support to you!

 

[Shari]

Nothing more to add except kudos to your therapist. Apparently, HE gets it. Glad he'll be back tomorrow. Maybe he can go to bat with this SW for you so that at least won't be a series of phone calls you have to make.

 

[DammitJanet]

Ugh...stupid SW! Never have liked them. How is more stress supposed to help you have less stress?

I dont think most people need psychiatric hospitals...we need nice hotels with massage therapists and free drinks!