I've kicked my difficult child out and it's killing me!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by CantQuitCrying, Aug 28, 2007.

  1. CantQuitCrying

    CantQuitCrying New Member

    I am not sure if there are other drugs involved (i think maybe there are), but he openly admits to smoking pot. He is 19 and was still at home. He graduated HS at the age of 18, moved out with a father and his three kids in a 'drug' and bug infested house. He stayed there almost a year. I couldn't reach him no matter what I did. He lost job after job (he and the father were the only ones working) the other three kids just sat around all day doing drugs. The kids don't even have driver licenses. Anywy, my difficult child saw the light and came home with an all new attitude. Admitting they were not his 'friends'. He's back with his so called 'friends' now after maybe 3 months. I made him leave yesterday. He didn't want to, but I can not allow him to do drugs and live at home. He had nowhere to go. I'm so very torn up. I can't quit crying. This is the third time for him to leave. I've talked till I'm blue in the face. He can't stay but now I'm missing him soooo much and wondering where he is. This is a no win situation. I wonder if I am doing wrong.?
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Nope, you did the right thing.

    He is a big boy. You have a house, and house rules. He has to follow them. If he can't, then there is the door.

    What you are doing is detaching, and it stinks. It is very difficult to do. But it is necessary. He will never get the help he needs until he hits his bottom, and he won't hit his bottom if he is allowed to get high while he is in your home.

    Talking till your blue in the face will get you nowhere except, well, blue in the face. These kids will not accept help until and unless they want it. All the talking and begging and pleading in the world will not change anything.

    You've made the first step, telling him to leave. Attending an Al-Anon meeting would be a great help for you too. You need to realize that there is nothing you can do to change him. He will change if and when he is ready. The serenity prayer is a good tool for that:

    Grant me the serenity
    To accept the things I cannot change
    The courage to change the things I can
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    We are glad you found us here on this board, but sorry that you had to. Welcome (((hugs)))
  3. CantQuitCrying

    CantQuitCrying New Member

    Oh THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSE!! This site is helping. My nerves are shot. I just pray he is safe and that he 'sees the light' again. I feel like a monster for making him leave. And it's true, I can't quit crying. I'm at work at the moment and can only think of him. He told me he hated me and that I would never see him again. He knows how crazy I am about him, so maybe he just said that to hurt me back.

    Again, thank you very much for talking with me, bbk, you have made me feel better. i printed your response out to show my husband.

    i wish you luck.

  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Absolutely, he is saying things to hurt you. And they are not even because he really wants to hurt you. They are his last ditched efforts to manipulate. He is going for the guilt trip. Don't fall for it. They are in every addict's bag of tricks.

    You post as often as you need to. Cry if you need to, as well. He will be in my prayers, as will you.
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Maybe it will help to hear my story.

    My difficult child (daughter) was a total easy child until she hit 13. Then the nightmare years began. The worst years were 17 - 19. She was drinking and smoking pot and I heard from the grapevine that she was using other drugs.

    She made our homelife hell. At 19, she left after an explosive exit and we would not let her back into our home. She lived in an apartment, got evicted, lived with a difficult child friend's family, slept in her car in our driveway when we wouldn't let her back home, and finally ended up in a rundown house with a bunch of difficult children for a while.

    At 20, she asked to come back home and said she wanted to "change." That included going back to college. We let her come home with rules and counseling. She started back to school and had a part time job. She soon dropped 3 out of the four classes (without telling us) and continued to work. Right before she turned 21, I found pot in her room and two empty alcohol bottles. That was it. We told her she had to leave and she did.

    Since then, she has successfully lived on her own. She has roommates (who actually have jobs), pays her own bills, and recently has started back to college full time. Best of all, she has made a concerted effort to build a relationship with us again.

    Living on her own forced her to grow up. She knows that coming back here to live is not an option. She turned 22 in May and I think that she is finally getting it.

    She's still self-centered and I think she still parties on weekends. But if she holds down a job, lives independently, and goes to college, I think that she is doing well.

    If we had let her continue to live here, I don't think she would have made that kind of progress. Sometimes you just have to kick the bird out of the nest.

    Oh, and we heard all of that stuff, too ~ she hated us, wouldn't ever talk to us again, that we would be sorry because we would never see our grandchildren, yada, yada, yada.

    All that is in the past. Now she hugs me whenever she sees me and regularly tells me that she loves me. I never thought that day would come.

  6. CantQuitCrying

    CantQuitCrying New Member

    OMG kathy! thank you so much for your story. gosh, everything is making me cry! your store was awsome!! you have give me sooo much hope now! i'm so glad i found this site. i just hope i quit crying. thank you thank you thank you!!

  7. CantQuitCrying

    CantQuitCrying New Member

    THANKS once again! i truly needed support and you have helped me feel ALOT better! i will keep you posted. HAVE A GREAT EVENING! c u tomorrow!!

  8. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Hi Janny, just wanted to add my support. Hope you continue to do better. I know it is so hard when you don't know where they are or who they're with.

    I had to kick my difficult child son out (more than once) too. Not easy and nothing I would wish on anyone.

    What the other parents here have said is true: By making them leave, they have to grow up. They make a lot more progress on their own than they ever would have if we'd allowed them to stay.

    You have a good night, too, and look forward to hearing from you tomorrow!

  9. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    This is a great place to come Janny so Welcome :smile:

    You might want to give yourself a day or two and let yourself cry and cry. If you can find an al anon group that would be great for you. You'd learn that you the only thing you can change is your reaction to them.

    Drug use changes our difficult child's. It makes them manipulative and it's so sad to see the once cute little kids they were turn into mean monsters.

    Because we love them is why we have to continue to do things that they may not like.

    Be good to yourself.
  10. Sammie

    Sammie New Member


    I can relate to the manipulation... Anytime my son gets upset with me or doesn't like my rules... He will say things to me like "you are the worst Mother in the world" "I am leaving and never want to see you again" He sends me emails and one day he hates me and the next day he loves me and wants to come home in his words "he misses his mommy"... Hang in there, I am so with you, and new to this site myself.. in fact I cry myself to sleep everynight.... It may sound strange but it is a relief to hear from you and others that are going through the same things.... Hang in there and cry when you need to, but don't break and stay strong.............
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I understand. We just asked our son to leave for the third time. He was in jail and we said he could not come back home. I told him to go into a rehab and sent him literature and everything I could - he would not. So he is living with a friend in a dumpy house. They have one car between them and no drivers license. They live out in the sticks. My son got a job at Pizza Inn. My husband took him to it today and we havae heard nothing since. Who knows. My son is 24. We have been through this over and over. We have tried everything from involuntary commitment to rehab to counselors to drugs classes to getting the police involved to church to everything nothing has worked. We did not have a choice. he could not live at home any longer and smoke pot and drink and take pills. I thought it was crazy to kick someone out when they needed help - but we tried the help we knew - I think they have to get the help on their own or it doesnt matter. I worry all the time but I go to Alanon and it helps me so much. I understand. :rolleyes:
  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    COUNT ME IN. I had my son leave home many a time and I hid under the covers asking God to forgive me for being a bad mom. my son would leave saying I would never see him, givnig me the finger, blah blah. he told everyone I was a monster. he lived in lots of horrid places. It is good for them to live in squallor so they can see what this life leads to. it is good for them to be uncomfortable so they can remember how cushy home truly was. your son is learning a good lesson. let it sink in. do not rescue.
  13. CantQuitCrying

    CantQuitCrying New Member

    DANG! Thank you PonyGirl (i'm happy things turned alright for you)!!! Thank you SunnyFlorida! You're so right, my son turns into someone else when he's doing that crap. And THANKS to you also, Sammie. Sammie, I soooo sorry for you. Please hang in there and I will do the same!! You guys are wonderful!!!!! I needed this so bad.

    I saw my son get online yesterday so I know he's alright. I've also heard through the grapvine he's starting work just down the street from me this morning. He broke into our house yesterday while we were at work. The only thing I can see that he took was a comforter and pillows. That makes me think he's sleeping in his car. His dad is going to have a chat with him and tell him if he breaks into the house again he will call the police. I'm not too sure of how I feel about that.
  14. CantQuitCrying

    CantQuitCrying New Member

    thank you guys also, standswithcourage and thank you ant'smom !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my heart goes out for you guys. it's amazing that i'm not alone. i had no idea there were so many mom's suffering. it's so very sad.
  15. Sammie

    Sammie New Member

    Wow all sounds so familiar... My son broke into my home too... He waited until a day when he had a therapy appointment.. He knew I would go, so he did not show up instead he took the opportunity to break into my house while I was gone... He had a friend drive hime and the friend covered his plate with a towel.. The one thing my son didn't count on was that my Mother was visiting.. She suprised him... I was in the therapists office waiting on his arrival when my cell phone rang.. My 10 yr old daughter was calling crying and terrified because my Mom was outside and my son was threatening her... I told her to call 911.. My son speed off.. without getting anything but terrified my family........ The police came and made another report.. 2 one in a week.... Anyway, I think that your husband is right... I think there are proper ways to get things without breaking in... I am sure if your son would have called or contacted you wanting a pillow and a blanket you would have given it to him... I think your husband should tell him that you will call the police if he does this again.... My prayers are with you... I am sorry that you are going through this.. My heart is breaking but I am trying to remain strong.
  16. amstrong

    amstrong New Member


    You did the right thing. I did this with my difficult child last year and like you I went nuts. It was a good thing for us both. He managed to get himself in some trouble, I refused to bail him out, he faced the music on his own and after 2 weeks begged to come home and follow the rules.

    He did come home, has moved out on his own twice in a fit of rage but came back each time and was told this is the last time he comes back if he does it again.

    2 months ago, he made a terrible decision to drink and drive, totalled his car and was charged with DUI. Thank goodness the car and insurance were in his name. License is suspended for 6 months, had to attend classes, and is on probation for a year. He has made arrangements to ride to work on a company truck and we get him home. We do not transport him anywhere else. He bailed himself out of jail. We did help him with his fine but he is paying us every payday to pay it back-he will have it paid back by the time license is restored. He is saving for a car too and we have agreed that when his license is restored, he has $$ for the SR22 for insurance and some $$ toward the car, we will loan him $1000 toward a car but we will be listed as lien holder on the title and he will continue to pay us each payday.

    He has done some growing up since we kicked him out a year ago and in the last 2 months since his stupid mess up, has done some growing up as well. He is towing the line around here and seems to be pretty grateful.

    Kicking him out may be just what he needs. You do know now that he is OK and it won't be long before you hear from him and I am betting dialog between you will be better.

    Hang in there and know you did a good thing for him and for you as well.

  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I was exactly where you were 2 years ago this past week. I know exactly how you feel, but I can also tell you that yesterday my difficult child was 11 months clean. He is a different person then the one I kicked out two years ago and if I hadn't done it, I don't think he would be where he is today. He is in a much better place :smile:

    Your son needs to find his way in life and cannot do that while living in your house.
  18. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree but how can my son better himself on his own with no drivers license, no one to take him to all his appointments he needs to go to - probation, drug classes, GED classes not to mention doctors, dentists - oh my gosh - it seems it always falls back on us - my husband and I both have full time jobs. I didnt always work - I stayed home with my children for 15 years and have just gone back to teaching. This is a nightmare.
  19. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    SWC - difficult child can ride a bike, take a bus, walk, hitchhike. difficult child can learn to schedule multiple appts in one day, learn to take a class online. difficult child can learn to multitask. difficult child can learn what happens if he doesn't have dental care, doctors care, doesn't go to probation. difficult child is 24 and not mentally deficient. difficult child has the ability to work, think, act, and face consequences. difficult child chooses to use and difficult child must choose not to use if difficult child wants assistance from family.

    Do to get. keep saying this, do to get, say it over and over along with the serenity prayer.
  20. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That sounds like advice for me too! Hang in there! I am too. :salute: