J updafe...not good

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Abbey, Jan 11, 2007.

  1. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I should be a pychic. We got a call from J last night about 11:15pm. We knew it couldn't be good. He went back to his half-way house drunk. They gave him a test...yep...that was it.

    So, he called. He claims that his parole conditions did not include alcohol. That doesn't matter...his house DID. He was frantic that he was going to be kicked out. Yep...that is what happened.

    He DOESN'T get it. It's where you are at that matters. He has no 'free get out of jail card' to help him along.

    An average person can go out on a bender and hopefully have someone drive them home. He doesn't have that. He's not an average person.

    We called his place of residence today. They didn't want to give us any information regarding his situation because of privacy issues. I said to the woman...do you know we have been dealing with this for over 10 years? Give me a break. All she could say is that she was instructed to exit him from the program. Big sigh...but not unexpected.

    J calls not long ago. They are all screwed up, not me.

    So, his plan tonight is to find a homeless shelter, and we all start this again.

    I am not surprised, but husband is. It has hit him hard. Some things never change.

  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Oh Abbey. So many setbacks. It breaks a parent's heart. :frown:I'm so sorry.

  3. judi

    judi Active Member

    Abbey I'm sorry for you and husband. I know that even when you "expect" it, it still comes as a shock - at least for me. Please take care of yourself.
  4. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    It's difficult when your hope dies again and again. As my easy child says of her brother, "I have come to expect the worst and I'm seldom disappointed." Hardly comforting words for you, but just wanted to let you know there are those of us who understand your situation....thinking of you and once again hoping that J will finally "get it"....
  5. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I'm so sorry! It always hurts, if it's expected or not.
  6. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    The sinking feeling never goes away when that phone rings. I wish J learned to stay away from addictive substances. He hasn't gotten any smarter about why his life is in the toilet.
    The stumbling is the only way to get through to them. It's heartbreaking.
  7. kris

    kris New Member

    <font color="blue">.......and the wheels on the bus....

    abbey, my heart just breaks for you & husband.

    kris </font>
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    My son lives in a soberhouse also, and of course they cannot drink while living there. It doesn't matter what the conditions of his parole are, you are right, it's a house rule!!!
    I'm so sorry this has happened, as I know what it's like to be so hopeful that this is the place they need to be and will finally get it. The house my son is in right now seems good for him, but I know that can change at anytime because they are strict, and yes, you have to follow the rules or you are out. I'm not surprised they won't give you any information. The house my son is in right now told me if they ever have to kick him out they will call me to pick up his stuff within 24 hours. I was surprised when they told me that, because most won't even let you know they are out.
    I'm glad your son was looking for a homeless shelter and that his first idea was not to come home. Mine would do the same at this point, because he knows coming home is never an option, especially if he got kicked out of a soberhouse for using.

    Detatch and let him figure this out. They need to learn that there are rules and if you don't follow them, you need to suffer the consequences. Hopefully someday all of our difficult child's will get this, I just don't know if we will still be alive by then!!
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive hugs. It's a heck of a way to live for the whole family. You so want to hope for the best but the
    preparation for the worst at least softens the tumble.

    Thinking of you all. DDD
  10. Witzend_Away

    Witzend_Away New Member

    So sorry, Abbey. {{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}]

    While alcohol may not have been a condition of his parole, a residence was, right? I hope he will figure something out. Sorry husband is taking it hard...
  11. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Hi Abbey,

    I know your husband is always so hopeful about J, while you take a realistic approach. I'm sorry it's one more disappointment for the both of you.

  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Your husband loves J and has not given up hope, hence his disappointment in J. you have detached succesfully other than how husband's behavior affects you.

    so, when J got out all he could think about was getting drunk. he did now and will face the music. each time he learns from his actions. like your husband I do not give up on J.

    if his PO finds out he was drunk it may cause havoc for J.
    meanwhile J is not the first to get out of jail and get drunk. the spirit is willing but the body is weak.
  13. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    J did what he did. He knew the consequences. It cannot be undone, now.

    A homeless shelter is exactly where he should be right now.

    If he is forced to it, maybe he will stand up.

    If it were me in your shoes right now, I would be reviewing all the reasons why difficult child will be better off in the future if he suffers the consequences of his actions now.

    Is he going to ask to come home?

    What do you need to be doing now to prepare yourself, if it becomes necessary to turn him away?

    Or worse yet, if he needs to come home?

    It gets to be all about survival, doesn't it Abbey.

    Our own survival.

    And it's darn tough on our marriages, too.

    Sending strength, Abbey.

  14. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    He has not asked to come home...yet. I think he knows what the answer will be. And, if husband buckles and lets him, I hope they have a nice time in their own apartment. :wink: Seriously.

    He has stayed in homeless shelters MANY times in the past. They don't really phase him. He stays there long enough to hook up with his loser friends then goes underground for a year or two...then gets caught and winds up in prison again. That's the circle of life for J, sad to say.

  15. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family, Abbey.

    Maybe this time will be different.


  16. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Abbey, I've been following J's story for so many years, I feel like family, and I'm so sorry about what's happening with him. I think you've done an amazing job in detaching as much as you have; however, there is a limit and they remain our children. I feel for your husband -- it is so hard when hopes are raised, and then dashed. That's the story of our lives with our difficult children, we are disappointed, and then we raise our hopes, and are disappointed again, and so the circle goes on round and round.

    On a smaller and much less dramatic level, we have this with our difficult child. Every time we think we are making progress, he reverts to his crappy behavior again. He's still at home, but a day doesn't go past when I don't wish he was out of the home, and out of my life. Every day on a small level I give him another chance, and yet another chance. Sometimes I feel I am being destroyed.

    So, I just want to send you my love, and a good strong hug. You are not alone, and I send you strength and good wishes.

    Love, Esther
  17. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen


    Your post made me cry. I WISH so much I could give him a chance, but every bone in my body says NO. I guess I'm too stubborn. I just don't get it. It's the only life he knows, and is not willing to go beyond that life. I don't think enabling him will help. I could be wrong.

    Thanks for your reply.

  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    ((((((hugs))))))) It hurts, even when it becomes predictable.
  19. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Abbey, first of all, I apologise, I didn't mean to make you cry.

    I think what you are doing is absolutely the right thing for you. It is your way of protecting yourself and giving yourself a chance to get on with living your life, together with your husband and your children. Each and every one of us here has to somehow find the way to live their lives. It is so hard, so hard. I don't think that anyone who hasn't got a difficult child can come anywhere near to understanding how hard it is to keep our sanity, to live a normal life.

    It's interesting how all our difficult children somehow have to learn the hard way, to take the most difficult path, to make their own lives so tough.

    I wish I could detach. I can't. My circumstances just won't let me at the moment. So, he's living at home, and I keep out of his way as much as I can. My teeth are constantly on edge, and I pray my nerves will last out until he finally leaves home. I am at the opposite end of the path where you are, and sometimes I wish him at the other side of the world.

    I'm thinking about you, and wishing you well. You have been constantly in my thoughts the last few days.

    Love, Esther
  20. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    It is so devastating and frustrating when the one thing you count on "hope" keeps being destroyed.

    J is very stubborn. He's still got the "they can't tell me what to do" act going on. I'm really surprised too as he has been told what to do many, many times before. His spirit just won't bend. I betcha he thinks if he gives in then he's done for.

    I understand completely as difficult child 1 is pretty hard-headed.

    Sending some gentle {{{sunny hugs}}} for you and for hope.