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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 656733" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I don't know that I felt punished so much as inept. I felt stupid somehow, not to have known and prevented my childrens' suffering. I had been so careful, so responsibly a good mother. I wondered whether I had done terrible things to them and blocked it out. That is why I kept going back and back into therapy, even after that first therapist.</p><p></p><p>I had to know.</p><p></p><p>I wondered if I were evil; if my mother had been correct in her assessment; if that is why she did what she did. Or maybe, I had been a really bad mom and was too ??? to see it?</p><p></p><p>There were questions, questions like that everywhere and not an answer and not a friend and not a person in sight but D H. And I was too ashamed, at first, to tell D H what was happening to me.</p><p></p><p>I did not tell him. Not for years and years.</p><p></p><p>A fraud, right to the core of me; someone whose mother regretted the birth and the child, both. Especially after what happened with that first therapist. I had gone there already broken and broken. My child was in such danger. Even to think back on it ~ man, the intensity of emotion, everything falling apart, right through my fingers, like sand.</p><p></p><p>So then, he broke whatever was left of me, and I had nothing at all.</p><p></p><p>Turns out I didn't need any of that stuff I thought I knew. And here I am today, determined to have the rest of it, once and for all. Note to self: Kick that therapist in the pants. Turns out he was very wrong to do what he did.</p><p></p><p>But that did not stop me, did not end me, either.</p><p></p><p>No longer a question of legitimacy. I <em>am</em> here. Like Maya, I am here, on purpose.</p><p></p><p>Now, where was I going with this, Copa?</p><p></p><p>I went back and read the remainder of the threads. I must be done with this post.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Wishing you vision and strength and joy and kindness to yourself today, Copa. <em>That is where you will find these same things to give to your son. In your own heart; in how you see yourself and in who you know yourself to be.</em></p><p></p><p>Heh.</p><p></p><p>I knew I wasn't quite done.</p><p></p><p>That was a pretty good ending.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 656733, member: 17461"] I don't know that I felt punished so much as inept. I felt stupid somehow, not to have known and prevented my childrens' suffering. I had been so careful, so responsibly a good mother. I wondered whether I had done terrible things to them and blocked it out. That is why I kept going back and back into therapy, even after that first therapist. I had to know. I wondered if I were evil; if my mother had been correct in her assessment; if that is why she did what she did. Or maybe, I had been a really bad mom and was too ??? to see it? There were questions, questions like that everywhere and not an answer and not a friend and not a person in sight but D H. And I was too ashamed, at first, to tell D H what was happening to me. I did not tell him. Not for years and years. A fraud, right to the core of me; someone whose mother regretted the birth and the child, both. Especially after what happened with that first therapist. I had gone there already broken and broken. My child was in such danger. Even to think back on it ~ man, the intensity of emotion, everything falling apart, right through my fingers, like sand. So then, he broke whatever was left of me, and I had nothing at all. Turns out I didn't need any of that stuff I thought I knew. And here I am today, determined to have the rest of it, once and for all. Note to self: Kick that therapist in the pants. Turns out he was very wrong to do what he did. But that did not stop me, did not end me, either. No longer a question of legitimacy. I [I]am[/I] here. Like Maya, I am here, on purpose. Now, where was I going with this, Copa? I went back and read the remainder of the threads. I must be done with this post. :O) Wishing you vision and strength and joy and kindness to yourself today, Copa. [I]That is where you will find these same things to give to your son. In your own heart; in how you see yourself and in who you know yourself to be.[/I] Heh. I knew I wasn't quite done. That was a pretty good ending. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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