jail visit!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well the first jail visit this time was just the same. Not much change inhim. He was not very humble at all. I looked him straight in the eye most of the time. He got my heart felt letter. He said why dont you bail me out then - the longer I sit in here the more time I will get?! He wants me to go to the pharmacy and get his last prescription of Xanax - he needs more money because the jail had taken out $32.00. He thinks he needs a paid lawyer because this one is not good enough. All this but I didnt see any remorse or desparation. It was sad to me. I did not cry but told him I was thankful for him and I would never give up but that he needed to help himself. He said something aabout getting bailed out and going to rehab - yea right - I told him to get him a bed somewhere and find it on his own. A friend of mine from Alanon went with me. Her son is a carbon copy of mine and even our husbands know each other! I was glad to have her support. The visit just let me down. I know I should not have expected more - he looked like he had just gotten out of bed - he did say he was doing ok and was glad when the officer locked him up - he told the mental health that he was addicted to opiates. We will see.
  2. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    {{{HUGS}}}} I can't imagine your pain. I have recently been experiencing the pain one feels by actions of another loved one (completely not related to my difficult child) but I have just been consumed. Almost like my every waking minute is thinking about it and trying to figure out what I can do to FIX it. I HAVE to fix it, act upon the information I was given. I get very agitated when I can't do that. Hang in there and know that now, these are his decisions. All humans falter at one time or another. We need to forgive. Does this mean the forgiveness makes it all go away? No. But it does mean we need to have some compassion. Hang in there!
  3. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Whew, Glad that you were not alone and even more glad that you stood your ground by putting it all back on his shoulders where it should be considering that he is the one that that put himself there. Good for you Mom!!!!! Let him take responsibility for his wrongdoing.
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I am SOOOOOOOO proud of you!!! You handled that like an old pro! It probably felt odd, and it must have hurt a bit. It gets easier and feels more natural.

    Way to go, warrior mom.

    You have a blessed Thanksgiving.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks. I feel like I said what I went to say. Some of the time I didnt say anything and just listened. When they say stuff that doesnt make any sense my first reaction is to sway them to what I think they should do - it has never worked. It is like a little child not minding there parents. Sometimes that is the way i feel. I know he is not a little child but I cannot bail him out and suffer for it. If something happened to him or any of us I would never forgive myself. I feel now I know better.
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    You've come a long way, baby! (Boy, do I love when a tag line fits so perfectly.) You really did do all the right things -- you let him know you loved him and you let him know it was up to him find his own solutions.

    You've given your son the tools to succeed. He can now use those tools to dig some stairs onto the side of the hole he has dug or he can use them to dig himself deeper into the hole. That choice is his.

    It would be nice if our kids really were little kids still and we could truly guide them to the right path. But they aren't. They are young adults who have to make their own choices.

    Good job! Now, go enjoy your Thanksgiving.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm so glad you had someone with you to support you. I know that had to be hard. But you did wonderfully! MB is right you've come a long way!


  8. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    NO, NO, NO stands. It was not just the same. It was entirely different.

    You did not fall prey to his manipulations. You did not give in and bail him out of jail. You expressed your love, your support, and your willingness to allow him to suffer his consequences. You empowered HIM by allowing him to figure his way out of his own mess.



    God is in control stands. Even when life looks horribly, miserably, painfully out of control.

    God bless your day today. Enjoy your other kids.

    Many hugs.
  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Way to go Stands. I am so proud of you. I know how hard it is to let natural consequences that over. The last time my difficult child was in jail we let him sit there for 23 days. I did not call or speak to him the entire time. When his grandfather passed away, I made one phone call to a DA who is an old friend. I explained to her that I could not bail him out because I would be going back on my word, but asked her to see if she could get him out on his own PR. He got out and hasn't been back again. He, I hope, finally saw that he needed to help himself. He saw that I was done. It took all my willpower to not give in, but in the end the peace of letting go and letting God saved my sanity. God bless you today. Have a great Turkey day.
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    GG, you hit the nail on the head.

    Susan, read her post again and again.

    I get what you were saying. It was the same from his standpoint. But YOU, dear lady, had on your warrior gear.

  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks so much all you warrior moms. Maybe I will get it sooner or later. It was just so weird. I didnt get anxious and just stood there and looked at him right in the eye. If and when he gets out - he cannot come home. I have had enough of that. If he wants to be bailed out by someone other than me - so be it if he has somewhere else to go besides home. God is in control. I will surrender to his will and ask him to shield me from the pain or give me the strength to go through what I have to. Everyone on this board have a wonderful Thanksgiving! :thanksgiving2: I love this turkey!!
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You've come a long way baby!!!!!

    I know the visit was difficult, but in a way it was good you went and saw for yourself that he's still not ready to do it for himself. Just more proof of what you can't do for him.

    Glad you were able to enjoy the day anyway.
  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I know - I just dont understand why I couldnt sense any kind of humbleness? If they send hiim to prison - I will pray but not worry - I dont know how he will come out - I am trying to concentrate on something else like everyone has said. It makes me feel good to know that everyone thinks I did good. I just couldnt feel anxious anymore about finding him a place to go if he doesnt care. :gingerbread:I love this gingerbread baby!
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    There are probably a couple of reasons for that. First, the reality that you aren't going to cave in and bail him out hasn't hit him yet. Second, he doesn't regret what he did.

    If you can follow through and let him take his lumps, maybe he'll do his part and figure out that he needs to change his life.
  15. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Stands, you have changed so much in such a short time!

    I am deeply happy for you. It will never feel good to interact with your son until he is well ~ but you have changed the dynamic of the relationship.

    Do you remember when you first came to us, and said you had chosen your name because that is who you hoped to become?


    You HAVE come a long way, baby! :smile:

    Back when I was going through this part?

    Someone told me I needed to put on my big girl panties, because it doesn't get any easier.

    That was so cute, and made me laugh.

    It was true, though.

    It doesn't get any easier.

    But now you know how to do it.

    That's just great, Stands!

  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    thanks to you and a lot of other posters! I really appreciate your encouragement but it seems still so hard for me. The fact that I still feel a loss hasnt gone away. I am trying for his sake and because I just cant do it anymmore. I cant try to find that fix that I seemed to be trying to find. All the time I felt it was up to me to keep him from going to prison because I didnt want him to go there or feel like he could survive it. Some days I still feel that way but going to see him and realizing he is an adult not a child but a different perspective on it. Sometimes I feel that he really didnt mean to probably get caught nor did he think about what he was doiing. I tried to tell him over and over. The temptation was too strong I guess from that kid that he couldnt resist. I went back and looked at p ictures with my daughter on Thanksgiving of our family when they were little. We talked about the fun times but didnt mention these days. I wonder what I could have done differently. Mothers are supposed to protect their children and keep them from harm - I know he is not a child anymore but his actions made me think he still was. Maybe that was the problem - I was treating himi like a child. Please keep praying for me. thanks :angel:
  17. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    No Stands, he did not mean to be caught.

    The temptation was not the other person involved ~ it was the addiction.

    Stands, you cannot protect or even, assist a child who will not listen to what you tell him.

    Our sons are caught in something we don't understand.

    To me, it seems that the most important thing is for us to keep ourselves intact and our families together.

    It is hard. What we are all living through is painful. But if you read Suz' post about gratitude, and about refusing to give in to the feelings (always so hard for me!), then you will have a goal, a feeling state to work toward.

    So many times, I know I am not where I need to be with everything. Suz is right, about listing the things we all still have to celebrate and to feel so blessed and fortunate to have.

    That is the one thing I have found that will counteract those feelings of hopelessness and worry.

    I don't know why I forget to use those techniques.

  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Add me to the long list of CD family members who are proud of your progress. I know how painful the process is and it truly is wonderful that you have a friend by your side. Hugs. DDD
  19. mary9461

    mary9461 trying to hang on

    You stood your ground(YEAH) :bravo:. I know it must of been very hard, but you did it. It was great that someone was with you so that you didn't have to face him alone. Sometimes knowing someone is right there should you need them gives you the strength you need.

    Keep being strong and when you don't think you can be strong, call on us for strength.

    You are in my prayers :smile:
  20. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks! I keep thinking toward the future and I know I shouldnt. I keep thinking how am I going to handle it if they send him to prison for 3 years? I am handling it one day at a time so far. I hate to think about the end result. My husband believes he will get time. He said a rehab is not going tohelp the charge he has against him. I am a little more letting go than I was. You get to a point that there is little you can do. It is like watching someone die of a disease you cannot do anything about. It has made me stronger because I have gotten through it up until now. I will need to keep posting, going to Alanon and talking to my counselor. Thanks for helping me to see what I do! Also I will keep praying for sure. I know God has a plan - sometimes it just hurts so much before you can see what the plan is. :its_all_good: