Janna? Did you go on vacation?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PiperThree, Jan 31, 2007.

  1. PiperThree

    PiperThree New Member

    Hey lady - just seeing how you and the family are doing...haven't seen you post in a while and hope all is okay. Let us know how you're doing when you have a sec...

    Piper
     
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I received a brief email, she been busy but will try to pop in today.
     
  3. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I am sorry, Piper. I just don't have the time to log in lately. I appreciate you thinking of me, I really do. I'll try to update here as briefly as possible. I'm at work, so, if the post is blotchy, it's because I keep getting interrupted. This is almost so depressing to talk about, it's easier for me to stay away from here and ignore it, rather than coming and posting. I'm sure I'll be in tears by the end of typing this up.

    difficult child 2 is insistent he wants to move home. Why, you ask? Because he doesn't like the foster mother's boyfriend's kid. If you can keep up with that, alone, you're on the right track.

    He is working, supposedly, at McDonalds. Although, he still never has any money, and when I ask him what nights he's working, he never seems to know. Isn't that just, well, interesting?

    He is still getting in trouble at school. He's been in the school 30 +/- a couple of days, and has had 3 in school suspensions and an out of school. Threatening other kids. Defiance. Foul language, etc.

    He started his visits, which are every other weekend, Sat to Sun, and they are okay. Not great. Not wonderful. Okay. He's managing, but it is very apparent he would struggle if he lived with us. He does NOT get along with Dylan. This is a huge problem. It's not even sibling rivalry. It's mentally abusive words. It's inappropriate hands (i.e. strangling him). It's bad. All bad.

    The biggest problem we are facing now is (deep breath) - the Children and Youth caseworker called a meeting at the school. An IEP meeting. I was not invited. I have full educational rights. At the previous school, difficult child 2 was in mainstream all classes except math. He was to go to Pre-Algebra this semester (January '07). They moved him, changed his IEP, put him in Emotional Support 80-90% of his day, and did NOT get my signature, and did NOT tell me they were changing the IEP. This means his IEP is not valid. I cannot express to you here in words how I feel. I am so angry, bitter, angry and angrier I could spit. Everyone involved has completely and ILLEGALLY blocked me out. I cannot wait to get in front of the judge. They are going to hold an IEP meeting immediately, but that does not discount what they have already done. I wish I could shove their a*ses in jail. Honestly.

    That's all I can say right now about him. I'll try to post more later.

    Regarding my other two, they are great. Interesting, Dylan's psychiatrist and I were discussing ODD Wednesday. You know what he said to me? (And I'll quote) "ODD is kinda a BS diagnosis...." - won't get into the rest. Ha. Whatdya know? From a board certified MD psychiatrist. Interesting.

    Dylan's ODD is completely gone. He is happy and doing well. His Emotional Support teacher is out for surgery for 2 weeks. So you know what the aide does? Sends home all this homework that I've been begging for since the first day of school. You know what Dylan does? HE DOES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, Lordy be. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Homework WILL continue, and he WILL catch up, and he WILL get out of that stupid E.S. classroom.

    easy child is on Adderall now. 5 mg. The teacher doesn't see him so zombified, which means she's not happy, and she can bite me. I don't care. He is doing fine. He is happy. Dylan is happy. Things are good at home.

    The psychiatrist told me Wednesday that I am one of his best mothers. I challenge my children, make sure they get what they need, and do not coddle over them because of little things. That was the best feeling in the whole world. I really felt like a great mom, even if it was for that 20 minutes in his office.

    Thanks again.

    Janna
     
  4. houseofcards

    houseofcards New Member


    Janna, in reading your posts I have always thought of you as a great mother with a lot to deal with. I hope things can improve with difficult child 2, we can pray. You have done everything you could and you should be able to know that and find some peace there. I'm glad Dylan and easy child are doing good. My husband recently gave me a card I'll describe to you. It has a straining baby on the cover and asks if life is poopy, inside it says "don't worry, you are due for a change" I hope you get a nice change soon.
     
  5. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Oh Janna!!
    I am so sorry for all this stuff going on!! The more you talk the more (and you have said this many times) difficult child 2 sounds like Andre.... The innaproprate behavior towards Dylan is just unacceptable..
    are you considering bringing him home?? or is this just one of his "pipe dreams" ??
    If I were in your shoes, I would be more than angry about being left out of the loop on his IEP..
    Anything done illegally cannot stand a chance.... I hope all goes well when you go to court!! man!! let them have a piece of your mind... THIS NEEDS TO STOP!!!!...
    What is his psychiatrist saying/doing???? seems difficult child 2 is getting very volatile and that most have lost complete control of him!!! he doesn't have any self control.. of course we have known this for a LONG time!!
    I am so sorry and I am sending gentle hugs!!

    As far as the other two you get 5 stars for how well they are doing!! You are such a great mom to all 3 of your kids and you have survived so much adversity............. you should be realy proud of yourself!!!
    It just goes to show that sometimes, even the best of parenting, ends up in disaster because of the wrong choices our children make!!
    Big hugs and cudos !!
    Paula :bravo:
     
  6. PiperThree

    PiperThree New Member

    dang girl, you do have a lot on your plate. I was reading your post and kept thinking how much you do and have done for your kids and how dare CYS keeps you out of the loop for one second! I am furious too and know all too well what you are feeling. Oooh, what i would do to be a fly on the wall when you get in front of a judge. Don't hold back anything - he/she needs to hear all the inconsistencies and wrongdoings CYS has been doing from the get go. Alot does come down to your difficult child 2 though - he is sabotaging and alientating the people around him and if he can't get it together with Dylan when he's at your house for 2 days a week, what will happen if he comes home permanently? What does your SO think of him coming home? Its got to be so hard to go through all this stuff daily over and over again...you're a strong chica and can get through it. You're a wonderful mom and an all around great person. Don't ever let anyone get you down to the point where you start questioning your parenting or your being as a person. I wish there was a magic wand we could use to help our difficult children become mentally healthy overnight but since there isn't (as far as I know) we just have to keep plugging away and doing what we can as best we can.

    I know your mommy heart is breaking and being pulled in 10986 directions all at once. You have to make sure whatever your decision you make is the best one for everyone in your house and even if it means not allowing difficult child 2 to come home, the reasons why need to be ones you can live with. I'm so sorry for all the crap you have been through lately and will wish on all the shooting stars I see that your family comes to a peaceful and safe decision. ((BIG HUGS))

    Piper
     
  7. Janna

    Janna New Member

    No, at this point, I don't believe difficult child 2 is going to come home, Piper. He is not mentally or emotionally ready to come home. Additionally, there has been no work on reunification at all (i.e. counseling, family therapy, etc).

    He wants to come home because it's an easy out from the current situation. He was firm and adamant he did NOT want to come home when he was living in the previous foster care. He even stood in court and told the judge he did not want to come home. So, why now?

    I have no clue what I'm going to do. I am between a rock and a hard place. I can either A) allow him to come home and suffer the consequences of that (and my children will suffer those consequences as well), B) make him stay in his current placement (which, in turn, is saying I don't want him to come home right now, which is not what he wants to hear) or C) place him in residential, which is really where he does NOT want to be at all.

    Those are the 3 options. They all suck.

    Janna
     
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janna,
    I'm sorry things are so bad right now with difficult child 2. Glad to hear Dylan and easy child are doing well. Sending you some gentle hugs.
     
  9. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I'm so sorry it's so hard right now. I hope it gets better soon. You are a wonderful mother who has to struggle a lot because of difficult children choices. I hope something gives soon. You deserve better than you get.
     
  10. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Honestly, I know residential isn't where he wants to be but it sounds like a better option. Just doesn't seem like foster care is helping to fix the family issues or his behavior.

    Glad to hear your other kids are doing well.
    You are a good mom.
    :warrior:
    Steph
     
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janna...if his behavior is spiraling this badly and he is manipulating everyone this way then I think he needs to be someplace like a group home or a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). These foster homes just feed into his ability to keep everyone in an uproar.

    He doesnt like someones child? Well whoopie! He needs to learn to deal and it sounds like he needs someone to hold him accountable.
     
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Janna sorry you are going through more rough times... I was hoping you would have said you were on a wonderful relaxing vacation- stressfree... maybe close your eyes for a moment and imagine,,, ahhh.
    hang in there... we're all pulling for you.
     
  13. kris

    kris New Member

    <font color="blue">janna, you have to stop thinking in terms of what he wants or doesn't want. it seems to me, from what you've been telling us for a long time now, home is not a good option....or even a viable one. foster care is not helping. if it were going to it would have by now. if residential is where you think he will benefit most then i don't see that you have a choice.

    who would determing best placement? the state, the current agency (i hate how foster care has be privatized!! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif)? would you have input? have you researched the best placement for him as yet?

    it's time to put your armor on.

    kris </font>
     
  14. Janna

    Janna New Member

    No, Kris, I haven't studied the best placement for him yet. I don't know where to send him.

    He was in an all boys Residential Treatment Center (RTC) type school setting for a year. They have openings. They would take him. But it's not long term. From my understanding, the other long term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) options require that the child be a threat to himself, a threat to others, or suicidal, which he is not any of.

    Again, from what I'm understanding (only from my attorney) is the judge is supposed to hear the case and make a decision. Now, this judge has not been at the last two hearings. He has had replacements filling in for him. He also, probably, has no idea what's going on with my son at all until the moment we're all standing there. Then, of course, the CYS side is bogus, my side is truth, he cannot differentiate between fact and fiction, and a trial of sorts (whatever that's called) will be conducted to find the truths and weed out the lies.

    You're right, home is not the best option. Foster care isn't working. I mean, in all honesty, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go with him. And the CYS worker is against him going to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). So is the foster care social worker. They do not think he is "severe" enough for that. Will the judge listen to me over them? No idea.

    If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

    Janna
     
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Janna, you said, "other long term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) options require that the child be a threat to himself, a threat to others, or suicidal" - what about putting his hands round Dylan's throat? I mean, how bad does it have to be before he's declared to be a danger to others?

    Hang in there, Janna. I'd be furious at the IEP fiasco too. And I know you told them, repeatedly, that you have educational rights. Are they getting the opposite story from the authorities? If so, can you request to view your file under Freedom of Information legislation? It doesn't take much (just some wrong assumptions made by some work-experience idiot at some stage, who then makes notes on your file) to get the "official" picture diverging from the truth.

    I'm glad the doctor told you you're one of his best mothers. You needed that affirmation from an independent expert. Will he say that in court for you?

    Your caring nature and high level of perception of your kids' needs is clearly obvious to those of us who post here. Keep strong. And while considering what difficult child 2 wants, do keep in mind how well your other kids (and you) are doing. The whole picture.

    Marg
     
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