Job Fair today - fingers crossed!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Jul 14, 2014.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Though I'd start new thread, as a lot of the problems I was having in the first one seem to have resolved. He's out, bathing, doing chores, etc...only problem (at the moment) is the job.

    Son called and was getting in the shower and then to go get his friend to go to a job fair held at a local book publishing company. There are customer service, production and warehouse positions, temp, seasonal, part-time and full. According to his friend, who's mom works there, they take applications and drug test all at once. He thinks he'll pass. I think I’m more nervous than he is.

    I’m worried he won’t pass the drug test – but by the same token better he fail now before he’s hired than later and get fired for it and then have to put that on an application down the road. And he'd have concrete proof that it has more negative effects than ticking off his parents.

    I’m worried he will get the job and not be able to handle it. What does he know about factory work? Nothing. Warehouse work is hard work with a lot of heavy lifting. I’d be shocked if my kid (who’s 6’ and about 130 lbs) could lift 70 lbs. Customer service? Well he has computer skills…but no people skills.

    I’m worried he won’t get hired which will lead to a melt-down. He has no experience and God only knows how many people will show up for this or how many openings the company has. At least they are going early. It’s from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. and he is getting in the shower at 8:30. He told me yesterday that when he worked at McDonalds he put in one on-line application, they called him and hired him. Bing, bang, boom. Only job he even applied for. I think he thinks finding a job is supposed to be that easy – which is why he gets so upset when it isn't.

    I sat down with him last night and told him that, even if the job fair goes well, chances are they won’t hire today but will call later and to put in some more applications.

    He, of course, responded by asking me for money. He makes me crazy! I told him yesterday that I’m just tired of money, money, money. He can live without money. I know he’s bored and wants to go hang out or buy something or whatever…but it’s tiresome! I told him I didn’t see it happening. He asked why and I said, “At this point mostly because I’ve said we weren’t giving you any more money. Learn to take no for an answer.” And I went to bed.

    My God this kid needs a job just so I don’t have to keep saying, “No.” and he’ll have his own money!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lil...you are treating him like a little boy again.

    Every eighteen year old who does not go to college and gets a job learns the job. If your son can't, then he has cognitive problems, which are not in your description. They train everyone the same. Are you so sure your son can't even do a simple job (these are not brain busting jobs) that you are worried he can't do it? Or are you worried he WON'T do it? I'm 100 lbs. I can lift 70 lbs. if I have to and I'm sixty years old. Your son is strong enough for that.

    Stop worrying and cross your fingers and we will join you :)
     
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I know...I know...

    At least I haven't said that aloud to anyone. In fact, I keep telling him he can do anything he puts his mind to. :/ So I guess I'm more thinking of him that way than treating him that way. I just want this to go well and for him to be happy and ...grown up!

    No...no cognitive problems...he's too darn smart for his own good. This is a kid who could have ace'd school...he just wouldn't put in the effort. He is kind of awkward, physically and socially and comes across as very unsure of himself.

    Of course, maybe that's just to us and he's different when I'm not around.
     
  4. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    They're all a bit like this, even the easy child ones.

    Maybe you're mothering him a bit too much, but that's understandable, you just want him to step up and move on. No job = no money though. That's the reality of life. I would stop all the money and see what happens. He may surprise you. Let's hope so! My 24 year old thought he could come back from university, sit on his arse and play computer games. Yeah right. He soon found a job and a place to live and he's thriving now. Amazing the motivation they find when they realise that they're grown-ups and on their own as far as grown-up things, like money, go.
     
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Lil, good advice from MWM and Lucy. Stop the flow of money. And they KNOW how hard it is for us to keep on saying No and No and No and No, and they will keep on pushing because we have taught them that eventually, we will break down and Say Yes.

    It has taken me literally years to undo that knowledge in my son. I TAUGHT HIM THAT. So I have to UNTEACH HIM THAT.

    He would just wear me out, and I thought it was just easier to give in. If only I knew then what I know now.

    Lil, my mother used to tell me this: Worry is a fast getaway on a wooden horse.

    You know why? I used to be the BIGGEST worrywart. I would worry about everything. I worried because I wanted to control everything and I subconsciously thought that by worrying, I could get out ahead of it. I could think out ahead of all of the possibilities and in that way be prepared and head them all off at the pass.

    Doesn't work, Lil. And we just drive ourselves NUTS.

    How to stop, though? In time. In time, stopping the obsessive thinking in ourselves is a part of our recovery. As we work on us, and learn how to change ourselves, we learn how to stop worrying, and respect other people, and give other people a chance to do something on their own, however messy it is and looks to us, to give other people dignity, the dignity of making their own mistakes, and struggling, which makes the end worthwhile, and the lessons some that they will remember. We learn how to TURN and walk in a new direction, with warm hugs for our precious adult children, and that new direction is a focus on us and our own lives.

    Lil, it will take years to do this. So start now. Start assembling that toolbox, and start giving your own sweet, smart, loving and caring self the attention you deserve.

    difficult child sounds like he is doing okay, really. He needs to get a job, so make it clear (hold your ground, Lil) that he must and can do this within the allotted time frame. No excuses. No bs.

    Lil, one story: When easy child was 16 or 17, it was one summer and he needed a summer job. Now he had start working part-time when he was 15 so he knew the drill. He was majorly dragging his feet and halfheartedly putting in applications and spending most of the day sleeping and playing video games. Nothing was happening. So one day we had a "come to Jesus" meeting---difficult child, his dad (we were still married at the time) and myself. His dad told him (one of his dad's proudest moments, I believe): easy child, tomorrow morning you will get up at 8 a.m. You will get dressed and you will leave this house. You will not come back until you have a job. Period.

    Guess what? He did it, and by the time 3 p.m. rolled around, he had a job. He got a job as a cook at Steak and Shake.

    Lil, difficult child can do it. He can do anything he sets his mind to, just like you said.

    He has to know that you and husband are playing for keeps. This is serious business, Lil, and you have a real chance here to help him chart a new course. Stay tough. Stay strong. This is the best of love, Lil, that we hold their feet to the fire, and we expect better of them.

    I know it's hard. But it's worth the good fight.
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm convinced that no difficult child will change one bit or grow up until the money is cut off. Completely. I don't care why the adult child has no job. I don't care if he/she is bored. I don't care if he/she screams at us or threatens us. I feel it is an act of kindness to cut off the bank as soon as they are old enough to get a job, if they have refused to go or have flunked or dropped out of college.An eighteen year old who has no college aspirations and no job is like a toddler...they also don't go to school and don't work and we pay their bills. And they throw tantrums too when we won't buy them candy. But I truly feel that the money issue is what holds so many difficult children back to acting like children. I also think many pretend they can't get jobs when they just don't want them.

    Keep the bank closed, Lil. We're here with you, holding your hand. If your son doesn't get a job, tell him, "I'm sorry, but you need to keep trying, like everyone else. This not negotiable. You'll have to try again tomorrow and I'd like to see where you applied." There are job rehabilitation centers too that help people get jobs. There is no reason not to try. Since he has no job experience and no education, he has to try harder than those who do, which, by the way, is his own fault. So even a janitor job is worthwhile for your son. Or flipping burgers full time. They are an honest day's work and he will be maturing. Trust me, he understands the computer applications way more than you do. Do NOT let him have a few days off to see if anyone calls him for the jobs from the fair. Make him continue to act like a grown up. Or he won't. JMO.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2014
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Tried to respond here - wouldn't take for some reason - so started a new thread. Hope no one minds.
     
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