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Joint custody with felon pedophile
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 128991" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It's a bit late now, and you are probably concerned that if you seem to be flexible now, he will take that and run with it, abusing the flexibility and bending the rules to breaking point. You should be able to manage that, however, by being clear and specific. You COULD have said, "Although you didn't abide by the legally set out rules to give us x amount of notice and specific details in sufficient time, we will allow Sam to go; I don't want her or Riley penalised by your inefficiency. Please try to be more careful next time, to avoid any confusion or distress to the kids."</p><p></p><p>20:20 hindsight can tell us this. It's done now, and I think even you can see that it wasn't a great success. It makes you seem like the ogre to Sam, and if he says to the courts that you are being nitpickingly difficult, then you have given him ammunition to use against you (not a good thing). He can also use it to try to claim that the accusations of child abuse were your way of continually throwing a spanner in the works, and this would damage your credibility in the eyes of the courts. NOT a good thing at all.</p><p></p><p>At the same time - you want to keep her safe. I think you need to be doing what you can to get her into therapy, and also to arm her against any possible abuse. A serious pedophile uses silence, secrecy and threats to gain control over his victims. It is possible to arm a child against this, to protect him/her with a better understanding of what is appropriate and what they can do to stop any unwanted attentions.</p><p></p><p>For now - don't think legal, think practical. And think Sammy. You want her to feel safe, you want her needs met as a prime objective.</p><p></p><p>And for those who haven't got it - FTN is female, ex-wife of Brett (currently shacked up with the newest fiancee). FTN's partner is also female (described as a wonderful woman). All this tells me that there is no reason for FTN to be mean to Brett out of jealousy, or pettiness borne of rejection. FTN, you have moved on, well and truly. You are in a happy relationship (which has to be an improvement, from what you indicate!).</p><p></p><p>But some court judges may not see it that way - prejudices abound. You really do need to dot your i's and cross your t's when it comes to NOT being seen to be 'difficult' with Brett.</p><p></p><p>If you are still really concerned for the safety of your kids where Brett is concerned, then keep working to make them safer. Let them know they have been heard and believed, and there are ways for them to keep themselves safer. Empowering them could be most important for their healing.</p><p></p><p>And another thought - if you make yourself a bit more flexible with Brett over the access, don't kick against him, he may lose interest if he feels he's no longer getting at you, annoying you as much as he'd probably like to. Especially if the girls are empowered to feel safe, to know that if he puts a foot wrong he will be reported. If they are in counselling and have a rapport with the counsellor, he will not be able to make any 'secrets' with the girls that would be secret from the counsellor; not if the counsellor can arm them first.</p><p></p><p>It can be done.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 128991, member: 1991"] It's a bit late now, and you are probably concerned that if you seem to be flexible now, he will take that and run with it, abusing the flexibility and bending the rules to breaking point. You should be able to manage that, however, by being clear and specific. You COULD have said, "Although you didn't abide by the legally set out rules to give us x amount of notice and specific details in sufficient time, we will allow Sam to go; I don't want her or Riley penalised by your inefficiency. Please try to be more careful next time, to avoid any confusion or distress to the kids." 20:20 hindsight can tell us this. It's done now, and I think even you can see that it wasn't a great success. It makes you seem like the ogre to Sam, and if he says to the courts that you are being nitpickingly difficult, then you have given him ammunition to use against you (not a good thing). He can also use it to try to claim that the accusations of child abuse were your way of continually throwing a spanner in the works, and this would damage your credibility in the eyes of the courts. NOT a good thing at all. At the same time - you want to keep her safe. I think you need to be doing what you can to get her into therapy, and also to arm her against any possible abuse. A serious pedophile uses silence, secrecy and threats to gain control over his victims. It is possible to arm a child against this, to protect him/her with a better understanding of what is appropriate and what they can do to stop any unwanted attentions. For now - don't think legal, think practical. And think Sammy. You want her to feel safe, you want her needs met as a prime objective. And for those who haven't got it - FTN is female, ex-wife of Brett (currently shacked up with the newest fiancee). FTN's partner is also female (described as a wonderful woman). All this tells me that there is no reason for FTN to be mean to Brett out of jealousy, or pettiness borne of rejection. FTN, you have moved on, well and truly. You are in a happy relationship (which has to be an improvement, from what you indicate!). But some court judges may not see it that way - prejudices abound. You really do need to dot your i's and cross your t's when it comes to NOT being seen to be 'difficult' with Brett. If you are still really concerned for the safety of your kids where Brett is concerned, then keep working to make them safer. Let them know they have been heard and believed, and there are ways for them to keep themselves safer. Empowering them could be most important for their healing. And another thought - if you make yourself a bit more flexible with Brett over the access, don't kick against him, he may lose interest if he feels he's no longer getting at you, annoying you as much as he'd probably like to. Especially if the girls are empowered to feel safe, to know that if he puts a foot wrong he will be reported. If they are in counselling and have a rapport with the counsellor, he will not be able to make any 'secrets' with the girls that would be secret from the counsellor; not if the counsellor can arm them first. It can be done. Marg [/QUOTE]
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