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Joint custody with felon pedophile
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 129592" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>My apologies for unwittingly being chauvinistic, in my attempts to clarify. We have had another couple join here, in the situation I described - sorry, thought it was you. Oops. Apologies to all.</p><p></p><p>If the two easy child's aren't Brett's, why is he given access? I can understand their consternation at his unexpected arrival.</p><p></p><p>When I mentioned flexibility, there are ways and there are ways. I'm not saying, "go along with it," especially if he would use it as a wedge to widen the cracks even more, to allow himself far too much latitude. More in line with making it clear each time when he does something wrong, that you've noted it and have reported it, asking him to not do it again - but to not punish difficult child, because the last thing you want is for her to see you as the ogres and Brett as the much-maligned good guy.</p><p></p><p>difficult child needs to see you as firm, consistent but also loving and flexible. This doesn't mean you need to be a pushover - but seriously consider concessions, if it will be in difficult child's interests, while making it clear that each time this IS a concession and should not be expected to be the norm.</p><p></p><p>Brett sounds like he's going to walk all over the rules anyway.</p><p></p><p>My concern for difficult child mainly is - if she only sees Brett as fun, and you as the party pooper, she will adopt his methods and hero-worship him. But if SHE can be inconvenienced by him when you have clearly bent over backwards to accommodate a special request such as this birthday party, then no matter how difficult child may rant at you over the unfairness of fate, she has more chance of knowing at some level that it wasn't your fault.</p><p></p><p>If you remember "Mrs Doubtfire" there is a point made very early in the movie, where the couple are arguing - the mother is claiming that because he breaks the rules and always does the fun stuff, while she has to clean up his mess, she is made to seem like the policeman to her kids, while he is always the fun-loving dad. You run the risk of being seen to be the prison warder. I strongly recommend some sort of counselling, if only to help you find ways in which to positively share good times with difficult child, so she can see you in other positive ways and not just as someone blocking her access to her father. If you are always reliable for her, if you do things like take her to play tennis or squash (substitute something more suitable if you need to) and you promise to do it at a certain time and YOU DO, then she will work it out for herself. Might take some time, but at least you would be sowing the seeds. </p><p></p><p>It's not easy being a step-dad, even with PCs. A difficult child just makes the job a great deal harder.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 129592, member: 1991"] My apologies for unwittingly being chauvinistic, in my attempts to clarify. We have had another couple join here, in the situation I described - sorry, thought it was you. Oops. Apologies to all. If the two easy child's aren't Brett's, why is he given access? I can understand their consternation at his unexpected arrival. When I mentioned flexibility, there are ways and there are ways. I'm not saying, "go along with it," especially if he would use it as a wedge to widen the cracks even more, to allow himself far too much latitude. More in line with making it clear each time when he does something wrong, that you've noted it and have reported it, asking him to not do it again - but to not punish difficult child, because the last thing you want is for her to see you as the ogres and Brett as the much-maligned good guy. difficult child needs to see you as firm, consistent but also loving and flexible. This doesn't mean you need to be a pushover - but seriously consider concessions, if it will be in difficult child's interests, while making it clear that each time this IS a concession and should not be expected to be the norm. Brett sounds like he's going to walk all over the rules anyway. My concern for difficult child mainly is - if she only sees Brett as fun, and you as the party pooper, she will adopt his methods and hero-worship him. But if SHE can be inconvenienced by him when you have clearly bent over backwards to accommodate a special request such as this birthday party, then no matter how difficult child may rant at you over the unfairness of fate, she has more chance of knowing at some level that it wasn't your fault. If you remember "Mrs Doubtfire" there is a point made very early in the movie, where the couple are arguing - the mother is claiming that because he breaks the rules and always does the fun stuff, while she has to clean up his mess, she is made to seem like the policeman to her kids, while he is always the fun-loving dad. You run the risk of being seen to be the prison warder. I strongly recommend some sort of counselling, if only to help you find ways in which to positively share good times with difficult child, so she can see you in other positive ways and not just as someone blocking her access to her father. If you are always reliable for her, if you do things like take her to play tennis or squash (substitute something more suitable if you need to) and you promise to do it at a certain time and YOU DO, then she will work it out for herself. Might take some time, but at least you would be sowing the seeds. It's not easy being a step-dad, even with PCs. A difficult child just makes the job a great deal harder. Marg [/QUOTE]
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