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Joint custody with felon pedophile
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 129881" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Oh, what a mess! Folks, I do think we need to go easy on SO, she really is stuck in a hard place. As others have pointed out, if the court system says he's not guilty, SO cannot LEGALLY block is access and if she tries to, risks handing custody right to the man she wants out of the picture.</p><p></p><p>If calling the cops every time he breaks the rules will help, then do it. But I would be doing the utmost to show difficult child that you and SO are following the rules in the spirit as well as in the letter, and not being nitpicky in any way (ie don't give her any edge to argue from).</p><p></p><p>I'm glad the PCs have no contact with him. They are old enough anyway, to have their own say. But they need to feel empowered, not threatened by him. Their negative experience with him needs to be turned into strength, not ongoing fear.</p><p></p><p>A bloke who molests is far more likely to molest step-children, than his own flesh and blood. difficult child is maybe safer than the PCs were. I would still be watching her like a hawk, however, and helping her know what is inappropriate, and that there are no such things as secrets you can't tell your counsellor or doctor.</p><p></p><p>All this of course would me making my husband nervous in the extreme, if he were in your shoes. He's often expressed concern that it is so easy for a man to be accused, especially if a child works out that the accusation can give them power, that he bends over backwards to avoid ever being in a situation where such an accusation could be made. In other words, he was reluctant to change our kids' nappies if there was nobody else around as witness, he would send me to bathe the girls once they were past infancy, he has always encouraged modesty in the kids (fat lot of good it has done with easy child 2/difficult child 2!).</p><p></p><p>On the topic of a mother putting her child in danger - sometimes you have no choice, when the courts order it. We all SAY, "I would never send my child to him, no matter what the courts tell me," but a mother who takes her kids and runs WILL lose the kids to him, when they are found. And you don't even have to run - if he can successfully claim you have fabricated the accusations and are putting the kids up to it, you can lose custody to him.</p><p>Two friends of mine have been in this situation. One knew her husband was a sex offender, he had been on a rape charge when she met him. At that time he had told her that he was innocent, and she went to court with him as a character witness. He was acquitted. He later told her he had done it. She suspected he might be abusing their daughter but there was nothing concrete. The visitation stopped when the kids themselves told their father they would refuse to go. Every time the daughter came back from a visit, she had a migraine. </p><p>Years later, the son told his mother of inappropriate touching from his father. But at that time the mother felt she had no choice. She had no proof, only suspicions. She had been a battered wife, was still cowed by her ex who was living with another woman and said that if she made any fuss or got "difficult" she would lose the kids permanently to him and his new partner.</p><p>The son went back as an adult to visit his father (and lay some ghosts). He came home after what he described as a friendly visit, but all the more convinced that the abuse was not merely a distorted memory. Little things, words exchanged, his father's obvious interest (unhealthy) in the son's anatomy - but at least as a man himself, the son felt safe and in control, he was able to deflect the interest and cope for the short time he was visiting.</p><p></p><p>Another friend - her second husband had been molesting her daughter (from her first marriage) and told the daughter that her mother knew and was OK with it. With hindsight, the man had married to get access to the child. Once the child said it had to stop, and told her mother, the marriage was over from HIS point of view. He actually 'turned cold' some months before the daughter actually told her mother.</p><p>I was describing this case (no names of course) to my brother and two sisters over the weekend (we were talking child abuse in general) and my brother was insistent - "any woman whose child is being molested - she HAS to know about it, how could she not?" He was very black-and-white about it. But I knew all parties involved, I understood not only how she didn't know, but how the ******* had made sure his secrets were being kept. People involved get manipulated.</p><p></p><p>That's why I've really been pressuring you, to do your utmost to get difficult child into counselling - with you and SO, if necessary, to help build YOU all up as your own strong family unit. If my friend had done this with herself and her daughter, the child would have been empowered much sooner to stop the abuse. Of course, she didn't see the need at the time because everything seemed rosy. And once he was gone - it took a while for her to realise that they needed counselling, because she felt that with him gone, the problem was gone too. But the fallout was not gone.</p><p></p><p>difficult child may be perfectly safe from her father. But it never hurts to 'pedophile-proof' your kids. She may not be so safe from his friends.</p><p></p><p>And if by chance at some later stage someone accuses YOU, then you can point to the fact that you organised for her to have counselling, you would not have done that if you were molesting the child, you would have done your utmost to keep it all secret. Openness and honesty is sometimes the best defence.</p><p></p><p>Give SO and your kids a hug, a big one every day. And make sure you get a good hug too. You all need it.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 129881, member: 1991"] Oh, what a mess! Folks, I do think we need to go easy on SO, she really is stuck in a hard place. As others have pointed out, if the court system says he's not guilty, SO cannot LEGALLY block is access and if she tries to, risks handing custody right to the man she wants out of the picture. If calling the cops every time he breaks the rules will help, then do it. But I would be doing the utmost to show difficult child that you and SO are following the rules in the spirit as well as in the letter, and not being nitpicky in any way (ie don't give her any edge to argue from). I'm glad the PCs have no contact with him. They are old enough anyway, to have their own say. But they need to feel empowered, not threatened by him. Their negative experience with him needs to be turned into strength, not ongoing fear. A bloke who molests is far more likely to molest step-children, than his own flesh and blood. difficult child is maybe safer than the PCs were. I would still be watching her like a hawk, however, and helping her know what is inappropriate, and that there are no such things as secrets you can't tell your counsellor or doctor. All this of course would me making my husband nervous in the extreme, if he were in your shoes. He's often expressed concern that it is so easy for a man to be accused, especially if a child works out that the accusation can give them power, that he bends over backwards to avoid ever being in a situation where such an accusation could be made. In other words, he was reluctant to change our kids' nappies if there was nobody else around as witness, he would send me to bathe the girls once they were past infancy, he has always encouraged modesty in the kids (fat lot of good it has done with easy child 2/difficult child 2!). On the topic of a mother putting her child in danger - sometimes you have no choice, when the courts order it. We all SAY, "I would never send my child to him, no matter what the courts tell me," but a mother who takes her kids and runs WILL lose the kids to him, when they are found. And you don't even have to run - if he can successfully claim you have fabricated the accusations and are putting the kids up to it, you can lose custody to him. Two friends of mine have been in this situation. One knew her husband was a sex offender, he had been on a rape charge when she met him. At that time he had told her that he was innocent, and she went to court with him as a character witness. He was acquitted. He later told her he had done it. She suspected he might be abusing their daughter but there was nothing concrete. The visitation stopped when the kids themselves told their father they would refuse to go. Every time the daughter came back from a visit, she had a migraine. Years later, the son told his mother of inappropriate touching from his father. But at that time the mother felt she had no choice. She had no proof, only suspicions. She had been a battered wife, was still cowed by her ex who was living with another woman and said that if she made any fuss or got "difficult" she would lose the kids permanently to him and his new partner. The son went back as an adult to visit his father (and lay some ghosts). He came home after what he described as a friendly visit, but all the more convinced that the abuse was not merely a distorted memory. Little things, words exchanged, his father's obvious interest (unhealthy) in the son's anatomy - but at least as a man himself, the son felt safe and in control, he was able to deflect the interest and cope for the short time he was visiting. Another friend - her second husband had been molesting her daughter (from her first marriage) and told the daughter that her mother knew and was OK with it. With hindsight, the man had married to get access to the child. Once the child said it had to stop, and told her mother, the marriage was over from HIS point of view. He actually 'turned cold' some months before the daughter actually told her mother. I was describing this case (no names of course) to my brother and two sisters over the weekend (we were talking child abuse in general) and my brother was insistent - "any woman whose child is being molested - she HAS to know about it, how could she not?" He was very black-and-white about it. But I knew all parties involved, I understood not only how she didn't know, but how the ******* had made sure his secrets were being kept. People involved get manipulated. That's why I've really been pressuring you, to do your utmost to get difficult child into counselling - with you and SO, if necessary, to help build YOU all up as your own strong family unit. If my friend had done this with herself and her daughter, the child would have been empowered much sooner to stop the abuse. Of course, she didn't see the need at the time because everything seemed rosy. And once he was gone - it took a while for her to realise that they needed counselling, because she felt that with him gone, the problem was gone too. But the fallout was not gone. difficult child may be perfectly safe from her father. But it never hurts to 'pedophile-proof' your kids. She may not be so safe from his friends. And if by chance at some later stage someone accuses YOU, then you can point to the fact that you organised for her to have counselling, you would not have done that if you were molesting the child, you would have done your utmost to keep it all secret. Openness and honesty is sometimes the best defence. Give SO and your kids a hug, a big one every day. And make sure you get a good hug too. You all need it. Marg [/QUOTE]
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