Thank you everyone. It so helps to put this stuff on a page and then have others, who've lived in the fox hole along side of me, respond with a deep understanding, I so appreciate that.
Well Cedar, you've hit the nail right on the head. I think along those lines too. Is this the calm before the storm? I just don't know. Is this the step into living in her car, onto the streets, out of a real home, where it would be a matter of time before the cops (who now know her because of her arrest record about a year and a half ago) would find her and off to jail she would go for vagrancy. I have no idea how this will play out.
No she isn't a meth addict, she has always been thin and being gaunt and haggard looking goes along with her exhausting life choices. Everything is a drama. You just can't keep that up as she has..........and she will be 41 in December. She also smokes so that makes you have that kind of gray look sometimes. She is very pretty still, however, my belief is that she is just wearing out from her own life.
Cedar, you can ask me anything you like, I am usually thinking right along the same lines..........you and I are simpatico, we have daughter's about the same age who are forcing us to make some often devastating choices and yet at the same time, we are walking out of the snake pit, feeling mostly liberated.
But, there are still moments.............
After she left on my birthday eve, I thought about her a lot for about 24 hours. Should I pay for her battery which is leaking? That was really the only material thing I would give to her. After the 24 hours I started once again realizing that she manages to pay her cell phone and her car insurance each month..... and she just forked over $500 to her storage unit about a week or so ago. I have no idea how she is paying for any of it. But, she does have a lot of stuff she has collected and I know in the past she has sold jewelry and items with some worth. And she does have odd jobs. Who knows?
As a mom seeing her look so thin made me want to cook her a good meal, one of her favorites. But, I said nothing. I emailed her the name of the Social Worker from NAMI who said he could help her. I've done that quite a few times. She's never called him. I called a prayer line to pray for her for 30 days and I asked you guys to say a prayer or hold good thoughts. That's all I did. As you have Cedar, as many of us have, I've learned where my boundaries are. It is still sad though. It usually takes me about 24 hours to get myself back on an even keel. Still so much better then when my whole life or huge parts of my life were dictated by the moves she was making or not making.
I have worked on my own fears about 'what if she goes to jail?' what if she lives on the streets?' what if she prostitutes herself?' "what if she dies?' All pretty bad. But, if/when any of that happens, I'll, of course, have to show up and deal with it then. I feel like I had to face the worst case scenario at various points because it looked like a possible outcome. I don't dwell on that stuff though, otherwise I would just be stuck in the what if's and we all know how much that sucks.
But, for this moment? I'm okay. I don't know anything and I'm not asking either. At some point she'll surface. Months ago she told me she was evicted and I worried and worried and the next time I saw her she said, "Oh, no that didn't happen, I'm fine." That taught me yet again that I had wasted a part of my life worrying about something that never materialized. And in addition, she was out in the world, enjoying herself while I sat in all my fears.
It is what it is. She is who she is. I can't do a darn thing about it. I still hope I will get a phone call with her saying, "Mom I found a cool place to live." or "Mom, I got a really good job." or "Mom, I realized I need help and I've gone to a therapist who is really helping me." In the absence of any of that, what I do have is empty space to live my own life and a heart which so loves my daughter............but a mind that tells me that I am powerless to shift anything for her..............
My granddaughter? She actually learned detachment awhile ago. She was the one telling me to let go. She has somehow managed to be very disconnected from her mother. She has often said that I've been there for her, her whole life and now she considers my SO and I her 'parents' in almost every way. We feel that way too...... she is having a really great life right now...........a Senior.........she has a therapist she sees every other week who she loves and can talk to about teen stuff............she has 3 really good girl friends she hangs with a lot.......she is planning her college experience.............and we just decided to send her on her Senior trip in June which is to London, Paris, Munich and Zurich..........everyone says she is a well adjusted, healthy, bright kid with a great future. I am very proud of her. Thankfully, she is just fine.
I guess we all managed to get free of my daughter's life...........